89. Anxiety

Sweaty palms, a racing heart and a real sense of unease. These are feelings I get regularly but never talk about. I’m always forgotten in here.  I’m always one of the last to be seen to.  I’m not loud, I don’t bang on the nurses office door constantly throughout the day.  I don’t pester the staff (though there are one or two I’m more comfortable with).  But I do have needs.  These don’t get met because I’m too nervous to ask a staff member for somehting.  I walk past the nurses office 10 times before I actually knock on the door.  If they look busy it will be at least an hour before I re-attempt.

I’m a lecturer who can stand up in front of 200+ students and deliver a lecture, but when I go back to my builiding, I’m shy asking the office staff to photocopy something.  I can’t ask for help if it involves interupting an adult conversation.  I can’t ask for help if there are several staff in the office joking and laughing.  My heart pounds, my hands become clammy and more often than not, I just walk by.

I need to somehow bring this up.

Loopy x.

81. Social anxiety

I’ve just come back from being out with OH.  We went into town.  It was productive I guess in that I got my lashes and brows tinted (although I feel a bit panda eyed) but I’m so relieved to be back in the sanctuary of this ward.  How bizarre is that.  The people, the stares, the slow walkers in front of me (I get pavement rage); was all a bit too much.

My social anxiety is an issue at the moment. Small talk with OH is also draining and feels forced. Everything just feels all a bit awkward.

Loopy x.