On days like this, I want to stay in bed. I want to avoid the world and be alone. I blog on bad days.
Here’s the thing though. I’ve had more good days lately, than bad. I should be writing about those.
This past week I’ve been reducing my zopiclone and diazepam usage. I’ve been playing with and loving little man. I’ve been productive work wise, and have even 99% landed an external examiner post. I’ve been on my bike, I’ve been cuddling with OH. I’ve been having argument free chats with dearest sister. I’ve been puking less and no self harm. I’ve been doing well.
The reality here is that, to some extent COVID lockdown is giving me breathing space, a chance to bond, a chance to reset.
Today was a bad day, but the week has been good.
Focus on the good!!!
Loopy x
Category: social anxiety
403. Getting the boot.
I’ll be flung out tomorrow
I suspect. All the nurses hate me I’m difficult and I keep trying to ligature to stop my thoughts and to end it all.
In their eyes I’m putting us all at risk off corona virus.
The staff find me, Rip the ligature off and the bolt. I’m not even asked if I’m ok, but I have now had 3 bollockings for it.
I can’t help it. All I want is to die and allow my boys to.continue their happy lives without me.
I don’t want to be albino and visually umosired anymore. I don’t want to fail at work. I don’t want to get fat. I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror and continue to hate the image staring back.
I’m a horrible, selfish person, which this world
could do without.
No one can help me and apparently “your not trying hard wbough”
I am though but I’m done
Loopy x
383. I must
I must appreciate my son more.
I must love him, cherish him and protect him.
I must stop dreading our time together.
I must try harder.
I must create a summer studentship project.
I must create new module content.
I must create a scholarly research project.
I must publish.
I must try harder.
I must stop buying pills.
I must stop abusing zopicline.
I must stop purging.
I must drink more water.
I must stop self harming.
I must try harder.
I must call my best friend more.
I must arrange to see her.
I must make more of an effort with OH and our families
I must try harder.
I must stop procrastinating.
I must be more productive.
I must set goals and achieve them.
I must try harder.
I must appreciate my life more.
I must stop dwelling on the negatives.
I must stop being a pessimist.
I must stop hating myself.
I must try harder.
I must accept my crappy eyesight, and ignore the constant stares from strangers
I must accept my life.
I must stop feeling overwhelmed.
I must stop planning my suicide.
I must lose weight.
I must stop wanting to quit it all.
I must get my shit together!!!!!!!
I can’t………………..
Loopy x
371. A brainwave.
I have a PhD but I’m clearly not very smart. I’ve been lecturing now for around 6 years, and in those years my poor eyesight has induced high levels of stress and sleepless nights.
I teach biomedical science, which by it’s very nature is reliant on many complicated diagrams depicting complex pathways and molecular processes. The poor eyesight has been an issue, because I often can’t see the diagram I’m explaining. Lecture theatre screens just aren’t that big!! (You may disagree)
I have therefore spent hours memorizing the orientation and specific location of items on the diagram so that I could confidently explain it.
Yesterday a light bulb went off in my head. Lecture capture and screen capture technology has been around for years now.
Loopy, you dumbass!!!, just make a recording of your explanations of the diagram in your office, with your large screen and huge notes. Then embed it into your PowerPoint.
It’ll save you hours of stress and will actually help your students with their revision.
Flashback Pro 5, you are the best £60 I’ve spent in quite some time….
Loopy x
365. Nothing to say.
I used to find blogging cathartic but at the moment I just can’t be bothered.
It’s a familiar feeling. The stats indicate that no one is reading it anyway.
Posts would be treading over old ground. The cyclical feelings of worthlessness, ugliness and increasing hoplesness. What the hell is wrong with me?
On a side note, I’ve ordered pills. It sounded dodgy from the start. Indian voices on a crackled line have kinda prepped me for identity theft, a bank account clear out, and a package that will never arrive. If it does arrive, god knows what’s in them!! I don’t really remember placing the order, or consuming the choclate bar, whose wrapper I found on my bedside locker this morning. Life’s becoming a little hazy.
Loopy x
363. Secondary services.
Today my GP insisted on a referral to secondary services The services that I’m already under the care off. It was a little bizarre, but an hour later I was called by my CPN.
The service here is rather crap. I used to have weekly appointments, a very kind ear on the phone and someone with whom I felt comfortable confiding in. God I miss C! (and L for that matter). I’d give anything to hear their reassuring voices again. They really cared, or at least it felt like they did.
Now I’m in a system that doesn’t seem to care I’m struggling, but I don’t think I’ll get much help here.
Back to work on Monday and I’m dreading it, but maybe it will help.
Loopy x
351. In the bus station.
Talking about your zopiclone addiction with a GP is never easy. Trying to do it over the phone in a busy bus station, certainly made it tougher. I wish they’d called me earlier.
So this week my CPN called my GP to discuss my reliance on sleeping pills. He promptly suggested 7.5mg for 1 week and then 3.75mg for a week, then stop. She agreed, not knowing my current usage. She agreed, having no real clue, what’s going on with me. I pretty promptly had to call them direct.
Hence the akward phonecall. A lovely GP called me, and we agreed a more realustuc plan. But she insisted I come in, whuch has been arranged for next week, with a not so lovely GP. I’m dreading it.
For now, Im getting 7.5mg and 3.75ng daily, dispensed every 2 days.
The change in regulations, governing online pharmacies in the UK is a good thing. But my addicted brain, is screaming at me to find a drug dealer. I’m not ready to taper off. I’m not ready to give them up.
Loopy x
344 A week of ups and downs.
I work at a fairly prestigious uni, and as course co-ordinator I must be able to sell! That is, sell the subject to prospective students and win over anxious parents. On Wednesday night at a road show I oozed friendlyness and bravado. I beckoned guests to our stand, and honestly wooed them. Its like i step out of myself and become someone else. A confident assured person who can chat to anyone, except it’s all front, hiding the terror within me.
But tonight I’ve had 11mg of zopiclone, I’ve thrown up as much of my dinner as I could, and I’m craving self harm.
I had a bad start today, jumping on the wrong bus and thus turning a 2 hour commute into a 4 hour one. When I finally arrived at work, I couldn’t get into my office. Yep I’d left my keys at home. Thankfully the boss had a master key.
Tonight im quite tired but my head is beginning to self destruct. Shut up thoughts, please shut up.
Loopy x
343. Where has my confidence gone?……
and why is my head so foggy?
I gave a lecture today. I was nervous, and it showed. I fumbled my way through bullet points, searched my mind for factual recall that just wouldn’t come to me, and overall it was uncomfortable for me.
I could hear my own voice relayed around the lecture theatre and I hated it. My head is foggy though, forgetful and muddled. It’s very frustrating.
I don’t know if it’s my meds, or if this is just the new me now? Have my breakdowns done this to me?
On a side note, I now need to upload further supplementary resources for the students, to compensate for my incompetence.
Swagger, If you’re out there, look me up. I need you back.
Loopy x
335. You can’t grow…….
“You can’t grow confidence in your comfort zone”
I read this somewhere, and by chance tested the theory today. Those of you following will know I’m in a new job. Senior Lecturer at a pretty good university. Teaching our undergrads began this week.
I’m not too bad at presentations. I’m visually impaired so often I can’t actually see all the points I’m talking about. The benefit is that I never just read off slides. The downside is that I need a little more time to prep.
Today however, I had 2 hours to throw together a presentation on “How to give a presentation” to final year biomedical science students. It was dumped on me completely out of the blue and last minute.
This was definetly out off my comfort zone. I must admit though that my current cocktail of meds curtailed successfully any anxiety or fear that unmedicated me would normally feel.
This was my first solo presentation in my new role, to 100 final years, and you know what? It went absolutely fine.
It was indeed a confidence booster.
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 