483. Shutters up

I’m still in hospital, I’m still quite low, I’m still a bit of a mess.

They asked me this week, “do you write things down?”. I guess I’ve stopped lately and I’m not sure why. I think I was maybe scared of being boring.

I feel sad, I feel alone, blah blah blah. I think I’m getting sick of even listening to myself. I’m very pathetic.

At this time, I want to run away. I don’t want to see, or talk to, or be around anyone, and I mean ANYONE.

I’m ignoring family calls, cutting conversations with little man short, ending text conversations abruptly and delaying booking visits for OH.

I’m ignoring bump. Trying to pretend it’s not happening,. Trying to block it out.

I want to be alone. I don’t want to have reasons to fight anymore, but I do. Its really hard because I want to die alone……

I’ve put the shutters up, I don’t ever want to take them down.

Loopy x

480. 1 to 1

I was admitted to hospital on Wednesday. I’m on a 1 to 1. I’m also in isolation until I get 2 negative Covid swabs. I’m feeling pretty crappy.

Not much else to say really. Might not get for my scan next week now. Not sure how I feel about that. I want to see if bump is dead or alive I guess. I have this horrible feeling it’s dead.

I wish they’d let me self harm. Just a little.

Loopy

479. Crisis resolution and home treatment team

I met with the crisis team today. I’ll be honest I favoured the possibility of a hospital admission. It was an option, but instead we opted for home treatment.

I now have a 24hr number that I can call, I’ll get a phone call in the morning and an appointment tomorrow.

All I have to do is keep myself safe until that call tomorrow, or ring them if I’m struggling.

Just get through the night loopy…

Loopy x

478. Can’t keep myself safe

I’m really struggling. It’s been a tear filled Saturday and all I can think about, is just ending it all.

I can’t think straight, I can’t cope, i don’t know what to do.

What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

I need time off work I think. I need a break. I need help.

My head is frantic, the suicidal thoughts won’t shut up. Please shut up!

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!

Loopy x

476. I don’t want to talk

I bailed half way through a counselling appointment last week. I told her I wanted to end the session. I have psychology coming up, being fast tracked due to the whole pregnancy thing, but I’m dreading it. At the moment I don’t want to talk. The counselling is a self referral stop gap. You get 6 sessions and then you have to re refer. I really friggin liked her, but even with her, I started to clam up.

At the moment I’m doing a lot of crying, a lot of self appraisal and a lot of failing.

I’m so ashamed of how I’m feeling. I thought I’d pop on here and spill with ease but nope, I can’t even write down how I’m feeling.

I’m a horrible horrible person.

I wish the counsellor would contact me, but it’s not her job to do that. She left the door open, but I can’t quite walk through it. I need her to pull me through it.

Loopy x

473. I’m absent anyway.

My boys love me, but they don’t need me. The heartiest of laughs is usually heard when I’m not in the room, but listening from afar. OH does the dressing, feeding, bathing etc 90% of the time anyway. I don’t contribute fairly. I’m useless.

It’s funny how a few fleeting thoughts can become an obsession. What drugs do I have? How much do I need? When should I take them? It plays over and over and over relentlessly.

My head is a frigging wreck.

Loopy x

472. Scary thoughts

I’m done with this pregnancy. It’s a horrible thing to say, but I don’t think I want another child. I won’t cope with 2. I’m already terrible looking after 1.

I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t think I could ever harm an unborn child though. I’m feeling trapped, and scared…..and alone.

Loopy x

463. Live again.

My site was down and I had no idea. I was wondering why I’d been having no views. Was just about to quit writing, but it’s now sorted.

I don’t really blog for others, it’s a personal mental space for me to express my thoughts safely and anonymously. But not having readers, felt disappointing. I don’t know why. I guess you lot are my sounding board and it only works if I feel I’m being heard. It doesn’t matter who, just someone.

So now fixed, I shall continue.

Biggest thought today, is that I need to increase my Saxenda dose. I’ve started walking, but it’s not enough. I’m fat and need to fix it.

I’m also in a constant state of really wanting to end my life. But I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I’m out walking, I think go on Loopy, jump in front off a car. At least that might look like an accident. When I get home again, I think off the driver, the potential impact that could have, but if my family thought I died from an accident, would it be any easier on them?

Jumping in front off cars is no easy feat, I bottle it every time. Drug overdoses are easier, but not guaranteed. Hanging is really affective, but again I bottle it. Does that mean I don’t want to die? What the hell does all this mean?

I’m tired now, i’m always tired.

Loopy x

449. Diazepam is safe.

I know myself well enough now, to know that it’s not good when my head goes to these places. Diazepam is safe, frustratingly safe. I know this, because I’ve been searching. Frantically trawling for the LD50’s (a dose that would be lethal for 50% of the people who take it).

I’ve been searching as my get out plan. I’ve been searching because I have tonnes of the stuff in my drawer. I’ve been searching because I feel odd. I feel incapable of ever ditching my zopiclone dependence. The
Temapezam is giving me night terrors and awful headaches. Tomorrow I will be begging to have my zopiclone back.

Work is getting done, but very slowly and I can feel the pressure squeezing in on me. I’m forgetting loads. My head is just not retaining stuff. Names that I should know, escape me. Tasks that I should do, get forgotten. Meetings that i should attend pop up in reminders 3 days after the event. “Oh crap, I’ve missed another one!!

Little man is doing well, but that’s in spite off me, not because of any good parenting on my part. Take him away OH, just take him away.

So yeah, Diazepam is safe. Huge amounts can leave no serious ill effects, if caught. Diazepam is safe

Unless you combine it with alcohol………………..

Loopy x

445. Mortality

I’m going to die young.

Regular self burning , will one day give me skin cancer. The repeated damage and neglectful care, don’t help. With skin cancer though, I guess you have a fighting chance.

Then there’s my drug use, prescribed (although I’m forgetful with it) and the non prescribed. Taking higher doses of zopiclone nightly and now using my built up stash of Valium to manage stress {work mostly] and sometimes to help stay calm with little man

The problem with all these drugs, is they are processed by our livers and our kidneys. The liver may at least fight back a little being our only organ that can regenerate itself. Let’s face it though I’m on a path to cirrhosis and renal failure. The other problem with all these meds, is their longer term effects on the nervous system. Gradual decline in nerve function, memory loss and neurodegeneratiin await.

Did I mention the Orlistat? (now that’s my pancreas gone}, and the purging. It’s sooo harsh on my guts, my oesophagus and throat. Oesophageal and colon damage, and disordered eating won’t help my nutrition state. I just crave carbs!!

To sum up, I’m always tired and am full off aches and pains, and the colour off my pee is concerning. I’m muddling along with all those things but they will kill me……..

I’m comfortable with dying young. That’s the saddest thing off all.

Loopy x

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