What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
I’m really struggling. It’s been a tear filled Saturday and all I can think about, is just ending it all.
I can’t think straight, I can’t cope, i don’t know what to do.
What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?
I need time off work I think. I need a break. I need help.
My head is frantic, the suicidal thoughts won’t shut up. Please shut up!
Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!
Loopy x
I’ve been in hospital.now for just over 5 weeks, and I feel no better now than the day I came in.
I’ve made no progress, learned nothing new about myself and I have no hope that I will ever live content.
COVID 19 hasn’t helped. No visitors, no occupational therapy, no on ward activities..nothing…
The ward sister has called me ridiculous very loudly and with venum in her tone on the few occasions that I’ve ligatured, and not once has she asked if I’m ok.
The nurses generally are nice, but limited in what they can do.
I do occasionally play with an old battered wilson (see pic), but the yard is tiny and the nurses don’t endure the noise for very long.
This stay isn’t like the others The levels of empathy and encourgment are much lower than my last two stays.
I’m lost, and I need out.
Loopy x 
I’ve caused so much stress and fear and worry. I had no idea, I still had followers from my previous location.
At about 5am thus morning, OH rolled me over and whispered softly; “loopy there’s a police man here to talk to you” My instant thought was oh crap, I’m being arrested for possession!!
But no, he was here to check on my wellbeing.. He was here because someone identified a risk, and they acted on it. He was here because someone cares.
You know who you are. (I wish I did too, so that I could call or email you, thank you, and reassure you that I’m ok.). I wish you were still involved with my care.
I’m not really ok, but this whole episode has prompted OH into action, it has prompted me to be more aware of the impacts of my actions. I spoke last night to teary parents, and a cousin that the police had traced in efforts to find me. I awoke to a phone inundated with missed calls and messages.
I’m going to demand more help. I’m going to check out private care. I’m going to somehow get through the next few days.
Whoever you are, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
Loopy x
I have a work thing after work on Monday. I’m staying in a hotel after.
I think it’s time now, time to put an end to all this. I think, I’m just broken and I can’t be fixed.
I’m pale and ugly and useless. I’m out off control. I’m a drug addict. I’m stressed, I’m lonely, I’m horrible to live with, I’m done.
I know OH and little man love me. I know I have friends and family who care. I know this is selfish, and devastating and cruel……….but I can’t go on like this. I need it all to stop. I need to take control…. I love them too, and god I hope they’ll be ok.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,
Monday……..
Loopy x
I must appreciate my son more.
I must love him, cherish him and protect him.
I must stop dreading our time together.
I must try harder.
I must create a summer studentship project.
I must create new module content.
I must create a scholarly research project.
I must publish.
I must try harder.
I must stop buying pills.
I must stop abusing zopicline.
I must stop purging.
I must drink more water.
I must stop self harming.
I must try harder.
I must call my best friend more.
I must arrange to see her.
I must make more of an effort with OH and our families
I must try harder.
I must stop procrastinating.
I must be more productive.
I must set goals and achieve them.
I must try harder.
I must appreciate my life more.
I must stop dwelling on the negatives.
I must stop being a pessimist.
I must stop hating myself.
I must try harder.
I must accept my crappy eyesight, and ignore the constant stares from strangers
I must accept my life.
I must stop feeling overwhelmed.
I must stop planning my suicide.
I must lose weight.
I must stop wanting to quit it all.
I must get my shit together!!!!!!!
I can’t………………..
Loopy x
It’s gone and I’m devastated. I rang voicemail this evening in the hope of hearing C. Those of you following will know that C, was my 2nd CPN. I had 2, when I lived away from home; L and C.
They were quite different in approach, but equally excellent. Some days days I miss L and some days I miss C
Today, I would give anything to hear; “hey loopy, it’s C.” She started every voicemail in the same manner, and tone. It was a clearly practiced and unwavering greeting, and when I heard it on my voicemail, I knew the cavalry had arrived. I knew someone had my back.
She was logical and caring, and honest. If C said she was going to do something, then she would do it.
I can’t believe her voicemail has been deleted. I should have saved it. I’m gutted.
It possibly sounds a little creepy, but I’m sure we can all recognise our brains ability to associate emotions with memories, experiences and sounds. C’s voice brings control, calm, support, empathy snd humour. God I wish I’d saved the voicemail!!!!
I’m absolutely falling apart. My whole journey home today was filled with thoughts of jumping in front of a car, hanging myself over the back of my office door, swallowing mounds of zopiclone….. Anything, Anything to make it stop!! I just need a moment, I need it all to just stops!!!..
I’m sick of the broken promises over here. “We’ll get you help for your eating disorder”.. “We’ve referred you to addiction services” ,”I’ll ring you back””
It’s all bullshit!! I’ve been “home” since last July. The disparity in care is shocking. We have probably the highest suicide rates in the UK, and I’m not surprised. There is no help here. There is no route to recovery, and I can’t wait any longer.
I need to talk to C……I need help. Someone, anyone, please help me
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 