503. I want to quit.

I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want the therapy. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I want to quit counselling.

She’s lovely, but I want to run. I want to hide and I want to stay silent. I can’t do it JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I’m too pathetic. Can we just stop. I need to stop!!

It feels too raw, too uncomfortable, too hard.

I’ve never really felt like this in therapy before. Is it just too much now, whilst being a new mum. Am I already spinning too many plates or am I just scared? Scared of failure at it, scared of being silently judged, scared off saying too much……or too little.

Loopy x

488 Facebook stalking.

We all do it, don’t we?? I read somewhere once that if you creep on peoples Facebook pages, you’ll pop up in their friend suggestions. I don’t know if that’s true or not. If it is I’ll be popping up in a couple soon.

I’m feeling a little bit down and emotional tonight, and I don’t know why, as I had a good day. Sometimes when I’m feeling down I think about people who have helped me in the past. It’s partly because I’d like to know how they’re doing and partly because I’d just love the chance to be able to talk to them again.

I’m not creeping or stalking, more reminiscing, and just wanting to see those friendly faces. So if I do pop up in someone’s friend suggestion, I promise, it only means that you were very very important to me and helped me immensely when I needed it most. I miss you (and this is a plural you). It takes many awesome teams to put a person back together.

Loopy x

486. A night off meds.

I’m home, I’m coping (outwardly anyway) and my little man has completely showered me with hugs and kisses and spontaneous outburst of; “my love you mammy”. Little man has been frigging wonderful, a true tonic for my sadness and doubts. His bond is real, and strong and full of love. I must be doing something right after all…

Baba though, oh you little bugger!! I have to say the growing bump, the regular scans and the family excitement is finally bringing me a little joy. Some hope, some excitement and dare I say it, some confidence.

The sickness though, jeez will it ever go away.? O.k it has lessened but last night I projectile vomited just before bed. Unfortunately that included my nighttime meds. Wow what a massive impact that had! I couldn’t sleep and when I did dose I’d immediately wake up with terrors. Very random, very scary dreams. Even OH confirmed I’d been swearing. As for my mood, it plummeted, and has stayed very low all day. I’ve been in bed, I’ve been crying and for the first time since leaving hospital, I’ve felt suicidal.

How scary is that? How can one missed dose of nighttime meds have such a devastating impact or was it just coincidence? Whatever, I’m glad this day is done.

To end on a positive note, I had a frigging excellent psychologist in hospital and his work has stuck with me, more than any other. I can hear him (not I) challenging my negative thoughts or at least prompting me to. To be honest I kinda wish I had recorded him :), but anyway….

Loopy be proud, you got up today, dressed and fed little man, showered him with love and walked him to school. You really really wanted to self harm, but you fought it and resisted, and finally you rang a friend to check how she keeping (even though she didn’t answer), and you know you’ll ring again.

Little steps Loopy, little steps…..

Loopy x

455. Tastelife session 2.

I’m back at the eating disorder course this week. Posting now at the interval.

We just watched a video of someone’s story. I felt really bad for the girl but then she talked about hearing Jesus and finding faith. It has turned me right off the course. I don’t mean to offend anyone, and if that’s truely her story fine, but why oh why do all these courses bring up *faith* in some guise or another.

She did finish with 3 top tips.

1. Have a friend. A friend with full honesty. Someone you can talk too.

2. Fill life with other things.

3. Learn to look after yourself. Be kind to yourself.

These are good tips in fairness. On point 1 I’ve failed. Far far too ashamed to share this wi;th anyone remotely close. On point 2 I’m not great either. When I bring in other things it’s gets obsessive and often detrimental. 3, oh how many times in community and hospital settings have I heard those words. I wish it were so simple.

Now feeling awkward and uneasy I’m scoffing down a caramel tartlet. How can I write off these calories?

Loopy x

448. Withdrawel.

It turns out that my latest key worker/care coordinator is pretty good. I like her. She’s the first I’ve really like since moving home.

Anyway, she arranged a psych/meds review. I was asked the usual question. What would help you, what do you want to get out of this?

The drugs!!! I blurted out. I need to sort the drugs. So I’ve been switched from zopiclone to temazepam at night.

It’s only been 4 nights, but please please PLEASE, I need my zopiclone back. The temazepam gives me jitters, headaches and is no good for sleep.

The 10mg in comparison with the 18.75 of zopiclone, is just not cutting the mustard. I’m all tense, and anxious and jittery during the day. I’m regretting asking for the change

Plus swapping a z drug for a benzo isn’t exactly progress really, is it

In other news, I’ve found a lump. Off to the breast clinic this week. The Joy’s 😦

Loopy x

447. Counselling.

I’m back in counselling. 6 sessions I’ll get and then will just stay on the waiting list for proper psychology. I like her, which is good. I instantly liked her, but she’s set me some homework.

1.Practice mindfulness when you’re not stressed. Practice everyday!!

2. Notice what anxiety feels like in your own body. What does it do to you?

I’ve failed on point 1 today, I’ve not practised. On point two, my mouth dries like the Sahara, my mind bounces from thought to thought irrationally, my chest and jaw tighten and I twitch. Lots of little involuntary muscle spasms.

Loopy x