381. I want to….

I want to call a helpline,
but I don’t know what to say.
I need someone to talk to, to get me through this day. 
My son is shouting, Mammy!.. Shut up, shut up shut up!!!!!
Daddy please take him away………

I’m staring at my zopiclone, a hundred pills could stop this grey.

I NEED to call a helpline, but I just can’t find the way.

Loopy x

380 the lighter I get…..

The fatter I feel.  I look down on my grotesque lump of a mid rift and I shudder.  The number on the scale is going down excrutiatingly slowly, but I dont believe it anyway.

I’m fat, outta shape and ugly., and let’s be honest, I’m a drug addict. 

I’m getting no help over here, and I have no one to talk too

I’m struggling to keep afloat.  Today i purged at work, AT WORK and again after dinner at home. I then hit the gym already exhausted but the usuál mantra of run fatty run overode all my senses, so I ran.

!The crash is coming. I’m losing control. My chest is tight and I’m often oddly breathless.

I need help

Loopy x

378. Still nauseous.

A few days ago, I blamed this on drug withdrawal, but I was wrong. I’ve since recieved my correct meds, but the nausea has persisted.

My little jaunt to the gym today hasn’t helped   I’ve not worked out in days, it was worrying me.  So today, I pushed through the feelings of sickness, lightheadedness, and utter fatigue

JUST 10 MORE Kcal LOOPY, COME ON FATTTY; 10 MORE!!!! So 10 became 100, and then 150, and then 300.  I was in no fit state for this, but in the war between my body, and my mind….my mind won out.

Now home, I’m wondering is it just a mundane bug that will run it’s course soon, or is it much more serious.  I’m catastrophising, but I’m on a heck off a lot of pills; some prescribed, and some not  Are my liver, pancreas or my kidneys crying out for help.

The scales, by the way have finally dipped below 57kg.  56.9 to be precise, but is this actually a win, or is my body slowly giving up.

Loopy x

376. Structuraly sound

Today I had a long overdue check up at the dentist. I’ve been worried about the effects of purging on my teeth.

I’ve always hated my teeth, often masking them with a closed lip smile or hand over my face.

I’ll be honest folks, I have what Americans might call “British teeth” They’re all a bit wonky, and many shades away from pearlescent white, but for now at least they are structuraly sound.

No damage, no signs of decay and not much tartar. “You’re teeth are fine Loopy” Colgate pro sensitive will apparently sort out the sensitivity I have on my lower right incisors, but apart from that, just keep doing what you’re doing.

I have been mindful of my teeth with every purge. I’ve made sure not to brush them for a while after, and I always rinse my mouth immediately with water (sometimes even alkaline soap). I’ll also sometimes rub in toothpaste on my teeth and gums, to boost flouride and I always use an electric toothbrush, which is. oh my god, honestly, far superior to manual brushing.

It’s a little weight off my shoulders for now, but I really must stay on top of this, as my little dance with bullimia has many steps to go.

Loopy x

375. The wrong meds.

At my last psych review I half heartedly agreed to change meds.  I’d slowly reduce the venlafaxine and start sertraline (keeping the quietiapine and mirtazapine).

I’d had some success with sertraline during my uni days, but then with a little time to reflect; I remembered the weight gain!!! I frantically called my CPN.  “N we can’t change the meds, I won’t take them!”

Our pharmacy, who to be honest, have been struggling to keep track of my meds off late, have now dispensed the wrong ones.  So tonight I have no quietiapine or mirtazapine.  I’m freaking out, stupidly, freaking out!!!! How will I sleep???? What will I do???

As readers you may guess the answer to that one.  I’m a wreck, and no one’s really noticed.

Loopy x

374. Nissan Jukes

Everytime I see one, I think of L. L was my first ever CPN, and the arrival of her juke onto my driveway always brought just a little light into those darkest days.

I will never forget the day she offered to watch little man, so I could have a shower.  I was a wreck, a mess, and probably stunk.  Even though I refused, I felt cared for, I felt that I mattered to someone. She often, made me feel better 

I miss her terribly, more than anyone else that was involved with my care.  I’ve been thinking about her all day.  I have so much to tell my new CPN, but I can’t.  I’d give anything to talk to L.

The crisis team stole her from me about a yeat ago, but she’d talked about re-trainong as a counsellor or therapist.  I wonder where she’s working now?  I wonder how she’s doing?  i wonder does she still drive a juke?

I wonder would she consider relocating, to be my CPN again??????

God I miss her……..

Loopy x

373. Ringing in my ears.

The thing is, I don’t know if it’s real, or imagined. Is there actually a little high pitched tone emanating from something in the room, or is it all in my head?

It’s troubling my right ear.  It’s unsettling. I’ve had this sensation before, but tonight it feels a little louder than usual.

Loopy x