475. Awake

It’s almost 2 am and I’m wide awake. Nauseous, puking, shivering and miserable.

I have a drawer full of diazepam and oh boy am I craving them, lots of them!!! Not to die or anything but just to zone out and sleep

I won’t touch them…….

Tomorrow I’ll call my gp begging for antiemetics oh and a 3rd round of antibiotics. I have had a friggin UTI the whole pregnancy and it just won’t F off!!!! 😦

Loopy x

474. Early Grey’s

So much better than later Grey’s. I’m back binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. I do this every year or two, usually when my moods erratic. It’s like comfort food and since I can’t enjoy any actual food at the minute, I thought feck it, bring out McDreamy!

Maybe he could re-wire my nausea medullary centres, and no that’s not a euphemism. I’m soooooooo sick of feeling….and being sick…..

Loopy x

473. I’m absent anyway.

My boys love me, but they don’t need me. The heartiest of laughs is usually heard when I’m not in the room, but listening from afar. OH does the dressing, feeding, bathing etc 90% of the time anyway. I don’t contribute fairly. I’m useless.

It’s funny how a few fleeting thoughts can become an obsession. What drugs do I have? How much do I need? When should I take them? It plays over and over and over relentlessly.

My head is a frigging wreck.

Loopy x

470. Opening the flood gates.

I’m crying a lot. Everything is upsetting me and I can feel my bouts of rage returning. I’ve been tapering off my meds. I’m afraid they’ll harm bump, but I’m now starting to worry that I might harm bump and me…..I’m very low tonight.

On a positive note though, I’m also laughing again. I’d kind off lost that ability over the past few years. Mood stabilisers don’t just dull the lows, they also rob you off joy. I used to be a proper belly laugher, finding comedies and comedians hilarious, but the drugs slowly robbed me of that. So even though the lows are coming back, so are the belly laughs.

Right Loopy go and find a comedy to watch!

Loopy x

469. Morning sickness

And lunchtime, and dinner time and evening sickness.

It’s a good sign for my little bump, but oh god I feel horrid and I know there’s worse to come.

I don’t want to feel sick anymore, except I kind off also do. It means hormone levels are rising, it’s a good thing Loopy!

My cousin who is just a little younger than me had a miscarriage this week. I know how that feels, and I know she’s devastated.

Don’t complain about the nausea Loopy, be thankful

In other news our family social worker has left her post and didn’t even bother telling us. I think that’s pretty shitty to be honest. She has moved on to greater things, I’ve been told. Some people are truly excellent in these types of roles (I know I’ve met some outstanding individuals over the years) but others really should piss off and do something else.

Loopy x

467. Praying for nausea.

I’m feeling kind off weird. This pregnancy doesn’t feel “real” I’m waiting on it to end terribly. I can’t stop.thinking I’m going to miscarry.

I’m literally praying for nausea. I’ve been pregnant 4 times, 3 ending in miscarriage. I wasn’t sick at all with the miscarriage pregnancies I was terribly sick with Little man.

Lots of women don’t get any nausea, but for me I think it shows my bodies working, that HCG is rising, that everything will work out.

So there you have it, I want to feel nauseous. Off course if it does strike, I’ll be wishing it away, but right now; “come on nausea, let’s be having you”

Loopy

466. A bit emotional

I feel like I could burst into tears. I don’t know how to feel.

I’m in shock, I’m scared and a little annoyed at myself for not feeling happier.

3 tests done now, and they’re all positive. I think I need a good cry to be honest.

1. What if I miscarry again? I couldn’t handle that!

2 What if I don’t miscarry, and actually have another baby? I couldn’t handle that!

3 What if my bad habits have already done irreparable damage? What if my meds are causing abnormalities right as I’m writing this? I couldn’t handle that?

4. What about a birth? Oh my god, not doing that again!!!! No no no NO NO!

5. What if this is all just too much? 

Breathe Loopy !

Loopy x

Loopy x

463. Breeding like……..

Guinea pigs!!! Betty’s a boy, oh and a bad boy he is too!

We’ve gone from owning 3 guinea pigs to 9!! Thelma and Louise are doing well though, happy mums.

There must be something in the air. Myself and OH have had some relationship difficulties over the years, difficulties that have knocked both his and my self confidence. I even purchased little blue pills to see if that would help. We’ve never tried them.

This last few weeks though, oh boy!!! Think Greys Anatomy on call rooms, think Bridgerton, think back to the very very beginning off a relationship when you simply can’t keep your hands off each other.

It’s doing wonders for my self esteem!! He’s cut out evening junk food, favouring a coffee instead but apart from that, who knows. We’re not sure what exactly has changed, but we’ve definitely reconnected.

Loopy x

463. Live again.

My site was down and I had no idea. I was wondering why I’d been having no views. Was just about to quit writing, but it’s now sorted.

I don’t really blog for others, it’s a personal mental space for me to express my thoughts safely and anonymously. But not having readers, felt disappointing. I don’t know why. I guess you lot are my sounding board and it only works if I feel I’m being heard. It doesn’t matter who, just someone.

So now fixed, I shall continue.

Biggest thought today, is that I need to increase my Saxenda dose. I’ve started walking, but it’s not enough. I’m fat and need to fix it.

I’m also in a constant state of really wanting to end my life. But I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I’m out walking, I think go on Loopy, jump in front off a car. At least that might look like an accident. When I get home again, I think off the driver, the potential impact that could have, but if my family thought I died from an accident, would it be any easier on them?

Jumping in front off cars is no easy feat, I bottle it every time. Drug overdoses are easier, but not guaranteed. Hanging is really affective, but again I bottle it. Does that mean I don’t want to die? What the hell does all this mean?

I’m tired now, i’m always tired.

Loopy x