333. Fake it……..

until you make it!!! I’m experiencing imposter syndrome. How the heck did I walk into my current job. I’m coming up on two weeks, and I’m waiting. Any day now they’ll realise I’m not up to it and they’ll kick me out.

I was doing some serious foot tapping today. It’s a sign that my mind is struggling. Anxiety and self doubts are creeping in. Left unchecked they could quickly sabotage my prospects.

Come on Loopy, you can do this!! Plan a treat for yourself, you deserve it.

Loopy x

331. A little sad tonight.

I have no idea where this feeling has come from, but tonight I wish I was back on the female ward in the hospital with the clock.

Tonight I’m thinking off all the support workers and nurses and I’m wishing that for just one night, I could talk with them, have a cuppa with them and get some support from them.

I’ve got this feeling of sadness, and overwhelm that just snook up on me, and I need more help than I’ve been getting since moving home.

I wish I could call C again. I really miss her.

Loopy x

328. A show of love.

I’m harsh on my parents if truth be told. They never did ’emotions”. I blame my upbringing to some degree for my current emotional instability, but I do know that they loved us.

They would show this love, not through hugs and kisses, not through hours of play or help with homework, or encouraging pats on the back, but oh my word at Christmas!! We were spoiled at Christmas, ruined in fact. Our living room floor would mimic a toy store. My parents were never rich. They worked long hours for minimum pay, and would have to scrimp and borrow, but at Christmas, myself and my sister would have all the must have toys, gizmos and gadgets. I can recall that one year, Santa even brought a horse!!

And to this day, that’s how love is shown. Tonight my mum secretly handed me a wad of cash. A thick wad, that I know she can’t afford.

I took it though (albeit uncomfortably) because I now know what it stands for. She’s proud of my new job, of my latest achievement and in her own unique way, she loves me.

I only wish she could just say those words.

Loopy x

327. Rage!!!!

Unjustified, innapropriate rage!! I can’t control it. I hate myself for it. The simplest and most insignificant of things can ignite me, and I blow!!

Little man only wanted to go outside to play. He only wanted to do, what he’s always allowed to do. The weather is fierce though and I insisted no.

He ignored my insistence . He pushed and pushed and pushed me. Look! I’m blamng him!, but its not him, its me. For god sake Loopy he’s only 2!

I wanted to shove him through the wall. I wanted to plunge a knife into my gut!! I wanted to explode!!!

I did none of these things, but I don’t trust my self control. What the hell is wrong with me?

Loopy x

325. Back in the game!

I’ve just read my last post, and it’s hard to imagine that’s how I felt just days ago. Switching from utter despair to my present uplifted buoyancy is exhausting, but the good days keep me afloat.

Yesterday was a good day, a great day in fact. I went to meet my new boss, and I had a tour of where I’ll be working. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming. It was really really nice to feel that sense of professional loopy again.

I finished off last night with an endorphin boosting gym session.

I’ve not yet been cleared to start by Occi Health but I’m a little more hopeful.

Loopy x

323. Anxious!!

My anxiety levels are through the roof. I’ve been offered my dream job, but I fear it shall be snatched away from me.

The medical questionnaire was very in depth. If I lied too much, I could be easily caught out. I fear I’ve spilled too much. I fear the prejudices and stigma around mental health will come to the fore and rob me off my future.

I can’t bear it. Best case scenario I’m pulled into Occi Health for an assessment. Worse case……..well…………….

If I lose it now, I’ll be more than crushed.

I should have lied!!!

Loopy x

322. Clingy…

This time last year, I genuinely feared that my son hated me. One year on and I have a total anaconda on my hands!

Teeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!; I hear bellowing relentlessly around the house. I hope he always calls me Tee.

He clutches to my leg and wraps himself around me, he demands that only I take him for his pee pees and ony I will do at bedtime. There is no doubt that he loves me, no doubt that he sees me as his protector and play mate, but oh my word; it’s exhausting!!!!

I assume this clingy phase will pass.

Loopy x