212. A post from my work desk.

Today was huge!!!! gut wrenching, nausea inducing huge. After 6 months of absence, I made a lunch, adorned my lanyard, swallowed some PRN (lirazepam) and went back to work.

I’m currently sitting in my old office, albeit slightly rearranged. I asked my boss if I could have it back; and he said he’d think about it, but within 20 minutes following our meeting I was informed that its current occupant has been turfed out, giving me my space back. My office space is something that is important to me. I’m on the 3rd floor of the building which means that I’m not subjected to same levels of student traffic as the main teaching rooms are on the floors below. Being “hidden away ” in this manner means less ad hoc student drop ins, less ad hoc concerns, complaints or general chat, which can quickly eat away at time preserved for tasks. I’ll still get the occasional knock but with less frequency than staff on the lower floors.

Coming back to work has been very emotional for me and I’m still feeling a little shaky and overwhelmed. Colleagues have been lovely, with hugs and offers of coffee and no prying questions. I’ve just eaten lunch with a few but i really didn’t participate much in the conversion. I’ve lost that side off myself, lost all my confidence but it will hopefully come back.

A nice little work related task just appeared in my inbox this morning, not from my manager but from one of my previous students, who is applying for PhD’s. I was his undergraduate project supervisor and he wishes to use me as a reference. I am delighted to do that for him, and even more so because his email helped to ground me this morning. His email was my first interaction with any students albeit electronically., but it also provided me with an icebreaker manageable task to get my fingers typing and my mindset back to work. It was exactly what I needed. It also helps that he was a great student, and his reference will reflect that.

I’m now emotionally and physically drained, and really just need to go home. I shall leave soon.

Loopy x.

210. Clothes shopping.

As I trecked through outlets I could sense the feeling rise. That knot in my gut that comes with, just kill me now. I’ve always hated shopping. There are some practical reasons (can’t easily read labels, don’t like crowds, always feel like I’m being stared at) why I hate it, but it’s more than that.

I’m going back to work however, and the trainers and hoodies that have become my mainstay, don’t exactly ooze professionalism.

Firstly, i’ve never understood the lighting in dressing rooms. Can we have 10,000 lumens please, but not above your head. Oh no; these should form a strip along each mirror edge so that your necessary squinting masks how groteques you look in that ensamble.

What if you’re in the hunt for something a little sexy. Satin maybe that’s sleek and contours every curve, something for your hubbies eyes only.

This lighting just won’t do. I need those tea candles and a bottle of merlot, that give even Jabba the hut come hither eyes and a sultry demure.

NOPE full beams please, so that you look like your morbidly obese gran, who has a grimace indicating that she may have just pooped herself, and her skin a little ragged, because they didn’t have fancy creams in her day. They used wire wool to exfoliate!!

And what’s with sizes anyway??? They should just rip off all the labels and have rows of super skinny, kinda skinny but could lose a few lbs, a little excess baggage and finally; sorry love,we’re going to need more material!!!!

I pulled on a pair of size 10 trousers, too big; “oh my,! well I have been working out

Size 8 winning!!!!, but oh dear you”re obviously a few inches shy of 6 ft 4 glamoererous. Let’s try it in a short, shall we? They were clearly expecting dwarfism. Outlets nowadays have to be so careful, politically correct and inclusive

They cater for all body types, but only if you arrive at the crack of dawn just as shelves are being stocked to scoop up that 1 solidary item thats in your size.

“Oh store assistant, can I have these all in a regular 8 please (they can be tailired later)” I mean come on, I’m gorgeous, I’m glamerous, I’m positively glowing……….

10 minutes later, I’d pulled of some moves that Beth Tweddle and Michelle Kwan would be proud off. “Oh store assistant, I’m…………….I’m STUCK!!!!!!!….and I fear only a large tub of petroleum jelly shall set me free!!

I shall have to delve deep into the reccesses of my wardrobe, as I left the stores defeated, deflated and with just a little less self esteem than I’d arrived with.

And to think, people actually do this for fun????

Loopy x

203. Head Fog

I’ve noticed lately that thoughts are becoming more and more muddled. I have frequent memory lapses and today at lunch with a friend, I couldn’t flipping string sentences together.

OH has noticed slurred speech at times, though usually after my night time sleep aid indulgence. However I’ve also noticed difficulties during the day. My mouth is often Sahara dessert dry, which could be a factor, but I am a little worried.

Loopy x

202. Occupational Health Review.

Well it’s official, I’m going back to work. It took some lies and half truths, but the doc eventually agreed it will be good for me.

I’ve read his report;;” I recommend that Dr. Loopy is completely supernumarery for the first couple off weeks” This makes me feel a bit pathetic. I can return but not be entrusted with anything. I can return but treat me delicately or I might crack.

I’m at the stage where I do need to go back. Financially we can’t struggle on any longer and I need another reason to get up in the morning.

I’m scared though; absolutely petrified that I’ll crumble again. I’ve not recovered to quite the extend I would have hoped for by now.

I guess I’ll never truly know how I’ll cope until I try. So tomorrow I shall phone my boss and set the wheels in motion.

Loopy x

190. Another loss.

My CPN is leaving and I’m gutted once again. In my last psychology session with K, we chatted about the security and continuity of having my wonderful CPN.

I can’t imagine anyone else being as good or kind. I can’t imagine building up the same rapport or trust with someone new. I’m feeling this loss as heavily as losing K.

In therapy, you’d call it “a last minute bomb”. She dropped the news near the end off our appointment today. I guess its hard on both sides.

Loopy x

183. 1 Beer

Tonight I saw old friends and we laughed and joked like old times. I was nervous, but thankfully they had sickened themselves with a few nights binge drinking before I got home, so there was much less pressure to drink. I nursed a Bud and stopped at 1.

We had fun playing board games and generally ripping the piss out of each other. One off my closest allies growing up will be off to Australia again in a few days, and it will likely be a few years before he’s home again.

I’m glad I came home. I’m glad I could enjoy the company off my friends and right now lying in bed, I’m glad that gale force winds and lashing rain are battering my bedroom window.

This is what home is meant to be like.

Loopy x

180. Too many pills.

I need them, (to see me through the Christmas period) but now I find myself with too many pills. I’m googling OD effects, LD50’s and suicide successes. I’m thinking, now’s the time to consume them all!!!!

My thoughts are swaying to and fro; life or death. A shit life, or decades of decay in cold moist soil. A shit life, or broken families and a damaged child.

But then I’m damaging him. If I stay I’ll break him. If I go I’ll break him.

Can someone please fix me.

Loopy x