300. Weepy!

I can’t stop crying…

Today we emptied our house and shipped all our stuff home before we follow on Thursday.

Right now I can’t stop crying. I’m crying because I’m still depressed. I’m crying because I’m having really strong suicidal urges and I’m crying because it doesn’t matter where we move to… my head will follow us.

I feel absolutely hopeless.

Loopy x

298. Stand offs.

We’re in the throws of the terrible two’s. Little man has my temper, coupled with OH’s stubberness. This makes for an explosive cocktail!

We’ve been good so far on the united parenting front. When we say no, we mean no!!! Little man is certainly testing the boundaries; throwing himself on the floor, squealing and shrieking like something possessed and ultimately testing my patience to it’s limits.

We’ve been good though, no raised voices or shouting. We just calmly stand our grand, which is a huge departure from how I was raised. A quick slap was the tool of choice during my upbringing. Not excessively by any means but used nonetheless.

Psychology has helped myself and OH to map out our own path on the family front, not conforming to our own parents ideals. Its not as easy as it sounds.

Loopy x

292. Po Pees!!!

It’s day 2 on our potty training adventure. Here’s what I’ve learned so far;

1. You must watch your child like a hawk!!! Literally the second your back is turned, they will pee.

2. You must fill up your child with juice. You need litres of pee pees to give them ample opportunities to practice.

3. The first successful pee pee on the potty is the best feeling in the world, for both of you. Better than any anti depressant I’m on.

4. Little boys love to show off their accomplishment to daddy!!! Don’t clean out the potty too quickly.

5. There’s no need for treats or bribes. Ample praise and high fives is all that’s needed. His little face is a treasure to behold, when he’s showing off his pee pee in the potty.

6. Keep floot wipes at the ready and guard soft furnishings relentlessly.

7. Prepare to sound silly as you adopt your little ones phrasing. In our case it’s “Po pees!!!!”

Loopy x

291. Potty training!!!

My little man asked to go Pee pee at the weekend. He’s been following Granda alot and has become interested.

Today we’ve set up his potty, stripped his bottom bare and now we’re running after him with paper towels at the ready.

We’ve had several puddles on the floor, but he definitely does like his new potty (the built in flush sound is a hit)

Watch this space. I’ll post what I’ve learned from the experience if this go is successful. We really haven’t a clue what we’re doing. I’ve only ever trained puppies. Little people are a whole other prospect.

Loopy x

285. I’m phoning Dad.

My father has always been the more affectionate of my parents. He has tried to shower us with kisses and hugs and warmth at times, and I’ve always awkwardly recieved them, often pulling away from him.

That is how my mum reacts and that is how I’ve learned to react. It seems a little cruel to me now, that I’ve essentially shot him down so many times, despite wishing my mum would act more like him.

Psychology has helped me to realise that my father really loves me, and that I give love, much like he does. I will no longer shoot him down. I will hug him with all my might, I will phone him more, and I will end every call, with ;”I love you too Dad”.

I’ve already started, and you know what; it’s awesome…

I love you Dad!!!

Loopy x

281. A safeguarding issue.

I’ve been holding back for months. I’ve been terrified of the consequences. How can anyone ever have those thoughts?

I’ve also been terrified that on impulse, or in the depths of despair, I may react, in unimaginable ways.

Today, for the safety of my beautiful little boy, I finally shared some of my most distressing thoughts. I fear that I may hurt him. I know that on occasion I have felt the need to die, and escape this cruel existence. But my little man can’t grow up without a mum. He can’t grow up in a cruel world either, and I’ve been told over and over that when a parent dies by suicide, it has a life long impact. Should I therefore take him too?… No, No,NO, a million times NO, but I’m still fearful.

I know this is disordered irrational thinking. I know these thoughts are wrong. But I also know that I’m not always capable of rationally challenging the emotional side of my brain.

Child services will be in touch soon. What have I done???

Loopy x

275. I’m getting out.

Today we discussed my liberation from this place. I’ll be discharged on Monday provided weekend leave goes well.

I’m not quite as terrified as the last time I was released from a hospital, but the jitters have hit a little. All off a sudden life has coming hurtling towards me once again. I’ve had a couple of really effective psychology sessions in here though. I’ll miss him.

For the first time ever, someone has properly unpicked me and more importantly enabled to to gain an understanding of why I think and behave the way I do. Since my last overdose we’ve been reintroducing all my meds. Today I told them to halt at the lower doses. I think I feel better at these levels.

Loopy you are enough!!! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

Loopy x