Category: work

449. Diazepam is safe.

I know myself well enough now, to know that it’s not good when my head goes to these places. Diazepam is safe, frustratingly safe. I know this, because I’ve been searching. Frantically trawling for the LD50’s (a dose that would be lethal for 50% of the people who take it).

I’ve been searching as my get out plan. I’ve been searching because I have tonnes of the stuff in my drawer. I’ve been searching because I feel odd. I feel incapable of ever ditching my zopiclone dependence. The
Temapezam is giving me night terrors and awful headaches. Tomorrow I will be begging to have my zopiclone back.

Work is getting done, but very slowly and I can feel the pressure squeezing in on me. I’m forgetting loads. My head is just not retaining stuff. Names that I should know, escape me. Tasks that I should do, get forgotten. Meetings that i should attend pop up in reminders 3 days after the event. “Oh crap, I’ve missed another one!!

Little man is doing well, but that’s in spite off me, not because of any good parenting on my part. Take him away OH, just take him away.

So yeah, Diazepam is safe. Huge amounts can leave no serious ill effects, if caught. Diazepam is safe

Unless you combine it with alcohol………………..

Loopy x

446. Face to face again.

I’m a lecturer in case you’ve not been a long time follower. I’m a socially anxious, highly self conscious, paranoid being, but I took up this profession when my confidence was high. It’s odd really, walking into the room, I’ll feel a thousand eyes on me, my body will be trembling, and then I’ll do my little routine. Log in to the pc, take a sip off water as I stroll around my “stage” all non chalant. I’ll gaze at the crowd as if I’m counting them, but I’m not really.

Then boom; “ok folks we’ll make a start” it’s my usual opener, and something odd happens. My work persona kicks in and I act my ass off. I act confident and knowledgeable, I act professional and calm. I’ll field questions with a smile and speak happily with those odd few who always stay behind to probe further. I’ll get through it, and once done, I’ll take a huge breath and steady myself, for real this time. A cup of tea will be needed.

Tomorrow’s a short module intro talk, but I’ve not been in front off a crowd like this since March. Tonight I’m feeling grotesquely fat, ugly all over, and paranoid they’ll quickly realise I’m a mess. Time to hit the gym hard again. Time to up my Orlistat.

Thank goodness most of my teaching this year is remote. Just get through tomorrow loopy.

Let’s get some sleep, 15mg tonight I think, you’ve an early star

Loopy x

433. Muddy madness.

I’m building again. I’d been looking at mud kitchens for little man before.

Today, I’ve gone ahead and built one.. It’s not quite finished, but he seems to like it.

Now loopy, focus on your actual job for a few days. No more excuses!!

Loopy x

428. A 100 Km…480 to go….

I’ve just passed the 100km mark [104.64 km to be exact] on the cycle challenge, I set at work. It’s me vs Dr. E. She’s as competitive as I am, which is great. It’s keeping me motivated.

I’m proud of myself, and I’ll keep going. 480km to go!!!

Loopy x

416. On bad days.

On days like this, I want to stay in bed.  I want to avoid the world and be alone.  I blog on bad days.
Here’s the thing though. I’ve had more good days lately, than bad.  I should be writing about those.

This past week I’ve been reducing my zopiclone and diazepam usage. I’ve been playing with and loving little man.  I’ve been productive work wise, and have even 99% landed an external examiner post.  I’ve been on my bike, I’ve been cuddling with OH.  I’ve been having argument free chats with dearest sister.  I’ve been puking less and no self harm.  I’ve been doing well.

The reality here is that, to some extent COVID lockdown is giving me breathing space, a chance to bond, a chance to reset.

Today was a bad day, but the week has been good.

Focus on the good!!!
Loopy x

414.Work probation.

I’ve only gone and done it!! I’ve passed my probation period at work and have been confirmed in post despite my recent absence.

I’m in shock, I’m thankful and oh my god, I’m so relieved. Apparently I’ve proven I can do the job, and I’ve hit all my probation objectives.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My boss knows of my llness (depression) and gave the green light anyway. I could seriously hug him!

Be proud today loopy, and you know what, go on buy that new bike you want.

Loopy x

385. Another change.

I’d just told N on the phone the other day; “I’m just getting used to you”
N is my current CPN/care co-ordinator and now she’s preggers!!

I had a bit of a meltdown today and she was brilliant.  It takes me a while to get used to people, to open up, and I was just finally getting comfortable with N. 

In fairness, she’ll be a fabulous mum, but sigh…..I don’t want another change.

Today at my psych review I was offered more pills….more frigging pills!! I shall now have additional quietiapine (25mg) to take as needed during the day.  It feels like a futile gesture.  The psychiatrist just didn’t know what to do with me.  He had to offer something I guess.

So now my daily regimen will be;
Quietiapine 300 mg, venlafaxine 75 mg, mirtazapine 30 mg, quietiapine 25 mg when I feel I need it, zopiclone 22.5 mg and hmmmm, orlistat 120 mg any time I’m feeling fat and guilty over eating (so quite regular).

What an absolute mess!!!

On a slightly different note, I’m considering going to a depression support group. It’s about the only thing I can access outside work hours.

They want to keep people in work, living normal lives, but all the care operates 9-5. Very VERY annoying.

Loopy x

383. I must

I must appreciate my son more.
I must love him, cherish him and protect him.
I must stop dreading our time together.
I must try harder.

I must create a summer studentship project.
I must create new module content.
I must create a scholarly research project.
I must publish.
I must try harder.

I must stop buying pills.

I must stop abusing zopicline.

I must stop purging.
I must drink more water.
I must stop self harming.
I must try harder.

I must call my best friend more. 
I must arrange to see her.
I must make more of an effort with OH and our families
I must try harder.

I must stop procrastinating.
I must be more productive.
I must set goals and achieve them.
I must try harder.

I must appreciate my life more.
I must stop dwelling on the negatives.
I must stop being a pessimist.
I must stop hating myself.
I must try harder.

I must accept my crappy eyesight, and ignore the constant stares from strangers
I must accept my life.
I must stop feeling overwhelmed.
I must stop planning my suicide.
I must lose weight.

I must stop wanting to quit it all.
I must get my shit together!!!!!!!

I can’t………………..

Loopy x

371. A brainwave.

I have a PhD but I’m clearly not very smart. I’ve been lecturing now for around 6 years, and in those years my poor eyesight has induced high levels of stress and sleepless nights.

I teach biomedical science, which by it’s very nature is reliant on many complicated diagrams depicting complex pathways and molecular processes.  The poor eyesight has been an issue, because I often can’t see the diagram I’m explaining.  Lecture theatre screens just aren’t that big!! (You may disagree)

I have therefore spent hours memorizing the orientation and specific location of items on the diagram so that I could confidently explain it.

Yesterday a light bulb went off in my head.  Lecture capture and screen capture technology has been around for years now. 

Loopy, you dumbass!!!, just make a recording of your explanations of the diagram in your office, with your large screen and huge notes.  Then embed it into your PowerPoint.

It’ll save you hours of stress and will actually help your students with their revision.

Flashback Pro 5, you are the best £60 I’ve spent in quite some time….

Loopy x

366. My teeth hurt

They’ve definitely yellowed, and look bad. I’m afraid to smile now. I’m so ashamed. Then add to this my new found general achiness and sensitivity.

Come on Loopy, start wising up!!you are ruining your teeth

Irregardless the urges to purge keep coming. They now sneak up on me at work, an escalation of the severity of things. It’s hard to hide the stench of puke at work.

Eating now makes my tummy bloated and sore. There’s one quick cure for that, and it works. It does reduce the discomfort and the expulsion of the calories soothes my head a little…..that is until the food cravings come again with gusto.

OH is oblivious to this particular struggle. I’m too ashamed to tell him

Loopy x