426. Social anxiety.

So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.

I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.

As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.

Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.

I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.

I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?

Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!

I feel an explosion coming

Loopy x

425. Malin head to Mizen head.

I’ve not had the motivation to cycle lately.  I’ve been lazy, lethargic and just blah  

Work wise we are operating through MS teams and I know some of my colleagues like to cycle so I’ve set us a challenge. 

How fast can we as a group cover the length of beautiful ireland.  I’d kind off forgotten we’re all in academia, which means that we’re quite a competitive bunch. 

The race is on to do the 581 km, not just as a group, but Individually!!!

Hell yeah, I’m competitive!! It’s just what I needed to get me pedalling again.  16km down, only 565 to go!!

Loopy x

424. A happy childhood memory.

I don’t really remember much from my childhood, and the memories I do have are always negative.

Left alone at a young age with my sister. Lists of chores that had to be completed or else!!! Cooking, cleaning, lighting fires, and sibling rows that would rival Ali’s rumble in the jungle.. We were alone, and I was beat up regularly, and shit scared to ever tell.

But I’ve remembered something good. I give myself a hard time, because with my crappy sight, I struggle to read bedtime stories for little man. It’s hard to find good books with insanely large text. So I’ve changed tactic, and have started making up stories, that see him as a big strong robot getting into all kinds off adventures, fighting sharks and dinosaurs, rescuing friends from fires, racing cars and well basically anything that I can bring to mind ad hoc.

By doing this, it suddenly dawned on me, that my sister used to do the same for me. Our parents never read us bed time stories, and my sister’s sight is worse than mine, but frequently she’d make up tales about Lego men and their crazy adventures, and you know what; I’m thankful for that.

As I’ve said, I have very few good childhood memories but this one has made me feel all warm and fuzzy

I’ll continue telling tales for little man.

Loopy x

423. Why do I do it to myself.

I’ve been struggling. In truth I’m stressed with work,and when I’m stressed, I quickly lose my ability to cope.

OH is working a long day, so it’s just been me and little man. I found it hard to cope. I shoved my eyepad before his eye as much as I could. I avoided him, I grew frustrated with him, and in turn he grew whiney, and clingy.

Its not his fault, it’s mine. So this evening I’ve given in to temptation, I’ve done what I needed to do, to get me through today.

It hurts now. Why do I do this to myself.

Loopy x

422. Damn it Loopy!!

Last night, for the first time in about 2 years, I slept without any zopiclone.  It was a huge achievement, one that I wanted to continue tonight…. but no, I’m a dumbass and I’ve taken 7.5mg.  In truth I want 15!

It was OH’s birthday today and his folks held a little party, cocktail sausages and all 

It’s been the most social interaction we’ve had, and I felt very uncomfortable.  This evening I feel tense and stressed and annoyed at myself for feeling uncomfortable.  We also ate alot of junk and I’m feeling fat, fat FAT!!!

I don’t want lockdown to end, but it will, and I’ll have to face people again, and busy places, and gauping eyes and aaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!

I want to hide away forever…. 😦

Loopy x

421. A lung buster!!

I’m back on the roads, pumping pedals as hard as I can and sweating buckets!!!
I did probably 18 miles today in scorching heat.

I got stuck behind two ladies kitted in lycra and obviously road bike fanatics, and I must admit I felt a little smug being able to keep up with them.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m competitive, often to my own detriment, so let’s face it I wasn’t going to let them get out of sight!! But nonetheless it boosted my endorphins.

I know this routine by now, June, July I’ll be energised, I’ll cycle, I’ll cope and I’ll improve and then come August BLAM!!! I’ll start to crash. 

It’s a pattern, one that  I’ve never really discussed but one that is ingrained by now.

So while this lasts I’ll enjoy the little mood boosts, and continue to cycle harder and faster.

Oh by the way, I’m nearly off the zopiclone.  I’ve gone it alone (I had to!!, there’s no help here!!) and Im coping.  3.75mg / night.  This is the lowest dose I’ve been on in nearly 2 years. 

Oddly, lockdown is suiting me, I’m liking hiding away, not seeing ppl, not showering (gross I know) and lounging in football tops. I’m scared of coming out of it

Come on Loopy, keep your head up!!

Loopy x

420 My love you….

“My love you too Mammy”…………. On days like today, little man, just melts my heart.  He’s Mammys boy through and through. 

The sun is scorching, our paddling pool is out, and little man is full of laughter and joy.  He had a little naked protest earlier.  How does one explain to a 3 year old that no one wants to see his bear bum or willy???

The other day we went to a garden centre and as strangers approached, little man stomped one foot out in front of himself, flung his two arms in the direction of the strangers, palms out and declared, at the top of his vouce; “stand back!!!” 

It was pretty hilarious but it got me thinking about the effects of COVID on our little people.

Lots of things from my childhood and beyond affected my emotional development.  I do wonder will COVID’s rein of terror live beyond the life cycle of the virus, in the form of children afraid to be near, afraid to hug, afraid to love one another……….

I know it’s necessary right now, but when strangers cross the street or hide in alleys or whatever in an attempt to stay 2 metres from me, it makes me feel somehow defective, something to be feared.

Its not nice, and it’s certainly not a culture I want to in still in little people.

Loopy x

419. Red in the face..Literally!!

What happens when you mix glorious sunshine, with quietiapine and albinism??
Lobster Loopy, that’s what   I went for a bike ride today, but stupidly forgot to apply my factor 50.  I’m growing redder by the minute.

The worst part is scorching the backs of my hands as any movement at all stretches and pulls at the skin.

34 odd years with albinism and a few years on quietiapine, you think I’d know better.

On a side note, I’m really really really missing C and L today. I had my first phone contact with my new care coordinator this afternoon.  They prefer the term key workers over here.  I think it’s because the title of care co-ordinator could be taken up with trading standards!!! They coordinate f$%k all. 

To quote directly I was told” it’s not like I’ll be ringing you every week, I’ll review you in a month”

Can please please PLEASE have L or C again……

Loopy x

418. The black dog.

He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.

I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.

Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.

Just go to bed!!

Loopy x

417. Black Beauty.

After passing probation and being confirmed in my job, I treated myself. 
My last bike was good, but this one??? Oh baby!!!!
When I can muster the motivation to actually drag my arse out the door and go, cycling clears my head, fills me with joy and boosts my mood.

I love it!  Now it’s time to shift all those pounds I’ve been gaining during lockdown.

Loopy x