I’ve just logged into my personal email account for the first time in a couple of weeks and glaring back at me was the banner; “10% off your next order”.
Using the seemingly charming celebrity Dr. Christian Jessen as their poster boy! (surely he can’t really be affiliated with this high risk venture); Dear loopy, for being such a loyal customer we would like to offer you 10% off your next suicide attempt.
Oddly I was only chatting about the unregulated online pharmacy market earlier, and it’s dangers.
The last thing I need right now is such tempatations…………… I’m feeling a little vulnerable…………………
(Now added to my To Do list; Contact Dr. Jessen directly about this…)
I’m getting out of here on Wed and I’m not ready. The reason I’m not ready has hit me like a ton of bricks. My relationship is broken. I can’t go back to my life the way it was before. I shoulder all the responsabilities in our lives, I pay all the bills, do everything of importance with little man, do all the worrying about rent, and utilities and Christmas gifts and family phonecalls and trips out and nights in and basically every little thing in our lives is managed by me, and I can’t do it anymore. I have a stressful job, I can’t drive which only adds to my daily stress. I commute with a screaming toddler on rush hour trains and I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE.
When I pass off some of the tasks they don’t get done. 19 months I’ve been hassling OH to sort out childcare vouchers and the deadline is Oct 4th and he still hasn’t done it!!. Over two years I’ve been bugging OH to make a GP appointment because he is always tired and esentially absent from our lives and HE STILL HASN’T DONE IT. I’m so lonely at times….
I don’t want to go back. Tonight the ill side of my brain is telling me to try and hang myself so that they’ll keep me here longer. How messed up is that!!!!!! I’m feeling suicidal because the thought of facing all the problems that are on the outside terrifes me. There is too much stress in my life, too much respoonsability, too much hardship trying to cope with everything with a visual impairment, too much self loathing of how I look which OH has contributed to through is absence in our relationship, and I’m petrified that little man may have ASD. I can’t drive him to appointments or to creche or to where ever he needs to go. So I’ll have to walk in pouring rain and gusting winds, brave public transport and basically just muddle through like I always do. I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE…………………………
What the hell do I do now????
Today has been somewhat sureal. I had my usual psych review this morning and he ripped the carpet from beneath my feet! “Take overnight leave tonight and we can discharge you tomorrow”
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm no! We then agreed I would aim for discharge on Monday. I nodded and agreed to it all but in reality it terrified me. I was caught sobbing by one of the nurses. We had a good chat and agreed a more palitable plan. Being discharged will also mean that my psychology sessions with the one person I am totally comfortable talking to will cease.
I was terrified of today, because today I was going to see my son for the first time in around 4 weeks. I’m currently processing it all, and feeling a little overwhelmed. The visit went as well as I could have reasonably expected; indeed he surpassed my expectataions and showered me with affection. Basically my little man climbed all over me, rubbed choclate covered hands all over my clothes, dribbled half eaten chips down my chest, spilt cranberry juice down my face as he tried to feed me, smiled at me, blew kisses to me and hugged me. Those hugs were better than any medication on this earth and reminded me of what I’m fighting for.
I was terrified I would feel no affection towards him, but I did. I was however feeling agitated when he started to become tired and grumpy. Although it went well, I’m petrified of leaving this place. You know you’ve become institutionalised to some degree when walking back onto the ward is like coming up for air. Outside roads seem busier than before, sounds seem louder, the house feels unsafe, the tasks on my to do list feel MASSIVE and although I am ready to be discharged (i.e I have no intention right now to end my life) I’m terrified beacuse all the problems that led me to this place still exist.
I’m still visually impaired, I still hate how I look, I still think my son deserves a better mother, I still worry about my work and commuting and all our finances. We still have no close family support, I still see the “blue face” when I’m overthinking, I still have a partner who could do much better in supporting me with stuff, and to top it all off I have the worry that my son has ASD.
My head is racing and I want to burn. I won’t tonight though. I’ve set that challenge for myselft to resist the urge.
One step at a time loopy!!! Go speak to someone in here whilst you have the chance.
Today only one thing is occupying my thoughts; My little man. I’m going to see him tomorrow for the first time in around 4 weeks and I should be feeling excited but my heart is filled with dread.
What kind of mother fears seeing her own child? I’m worried that he won’t come to me, that he’ll have forgotten me or worst still that I won’t be able to tolerate his company. This is the first time seeing him, since my family reaffirmed my ASD suspicions. My mother had his hair cut in a style I do not like and he has changed so much since I last saw him.
He’s a proper little heart breaker though; blond hair, chubby cheeks and a cheeky little face. How do I stop myself looking for symptoms and just enjoy the company of my beatiful little boy?
How will I cope if he has one of those tantrums that he often threw on our commute to work?
I’m consumed with guilt for abandoning him this past few weeks and for not missing him this past few days.
Tomorrow is a big day.
I had hoped this milestone of a post would be inspiring and hopeful; and perhaps would even gleefully document my liberation from this place. Sadly that was not to be. This evening has taken somewhat of a downward turn. I’ve been growing increasingly anxious as darkness set in, and this anxiety has led me to binge eat.
Binge eating is an old foe of mine. I did it occasionally before coming to this place. I off course feel disguising afterwards and in an attempt to control this disgust; I have purged. Now let’s be clear, I do not have an eating disorder. I know the long term implications of such behaviours, but in that moment of disgust, it’s hard to think clearly. Is it better than burning?; I don’t know.
I can’t bare to look at myself in the mirror these days. I did go to the gym earlier but the 30 minutes or so that I’m granted will do little to combat the medication induced weight gain.
This is a problem.
I spend a lot of my time complaining that this ward is a difficult place to be, but every now and again one of the characters makes me smile.
E; “Why did George Michael have chocolate on his face??………………………………..”
“Because he was careless with his Wispa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”…………………….
I needed to smile today. Thank you E.
So I did get to the gym today and it did boost my mood. It’s amazing how well that works for me at times. The problem I guess is that it’s not sustained for more than a couple of hours. I’ve noticed that my mood rhythm has switched and now I tend to crash more in the evenings (it used to be the morning).
It’s been an odd afternoon in here but I brought smiles to some of the other ladies by bringing out my laptop and taking song requests. They even danced in the garden which was nice to see, particularly after the stressful few days we’ve had on this ward.
It’s now nearly midnight though and my head is racing. It’s flooded with thoughts of little man, and work, and what to do for the best. I’m going to see little man for the first time in weeks on Thursday and instead of being excited, I’m nervous. I’m worried that all those thoughts of resentment and frustration towards him will come flooding back. I do miss him now, but I’ve missed him before and when he came to visit, I couldn’t stand more than 45 minutes with him. That sounds absolutely horrid doesn’t it. I’m also worried that his little idiosyncrasies will be all that I can focus on, and that seeing him will upset me.
I also now stink of smoke from standing out with the other ladies. I can’t stand the stench of cigarette smoke, and my clothes are now drenched in it.
I hope sleep finds me tonight.