If my mood today was a class exam grades profile, it would be the perfect bell curve. It’s weird how you can be so low, and then up, and then low again in the same day. There was a little trigger I guess that started this afternoons low. A staff member commented on how I’m burning myself. So that means that the nurse I confided in told them all. I’m mad at her for doing so but also astute enough to know that it’s her job and in my best interests really.
I’m now feeling rather paranoid though, like everyone has been talking about me. Also the staff member on the two’s (the more regular checks) is taking the job rather seriously so I feel like I’m being stalked. I’m not off course, but all I want to do right now is burn, and its proving rather tricky to find the breaks amongst the stalking. I really do need to develop better coping strategies, when I’m low.
Also my hair is a frigging mess and I’m too nervous to ask to use the hair straighteners.
I’ve just had a gym session. You have no idea how much better I feel after the gym. The problem is getting the motivation to go. Because I complained a little about the lack of facilities, a lady now comes over from time to time to allow me to use our gym and that at the moment is enough motivation to make me go. I’m not particularly fit by any means but when I wasn’t in this hospital I walked about 1.5 hours every day (part of work commute) and would cycle 45 mins in the evenings (2-3 a week) when OH was at home to mind little man.
So going from that to nothing was a bit hellish in here. That’s were Wilson became my saviour, and now the gym has just boosted things a little.
Out of 10; right now my mood is about 5. The highest it’s been in the past few days.
For anyone following, first of all thank you. 50 posts now but I’m still on my journey to find that elusive satisfaction with life, that will stop me wanting to end it. Just to be clear, I don’t want material things, I just want to stop hating myself.
I am now on Queitipine twice a day on top of my usual mirtazapine and twice daily diazepam. The Quieitipine should be a mood stabilizer and I am finding that yes it does indeed stabilize ones mood. The problem is that it appears to have done so at my lowest end of the spectrum. I’m feeling very low today. Missed breakfast and only just got up in time for lunch being served. I tried on like 3 T-shirts when I got up, but they were too tight. The ugly person staring back at me in the mirror, discouraged me from eating much.
I also sat in my room for a bit before leaving it for lunch breathing into a Maoam sweets plastic bag to see if I could pass out, well not quite pass out but start to feel hypoxic. I couldn’t get a tight enough seal around my face. I need a bigger bag.
I barely slept last night, maybe that’s why I’m being odd today.
I think I mentioned this in a previous post but I have shared the address for this blog with one of our excellent nurses. Since sharing it, I’d been feeling really awkward around her and I managed to tell her that today. She was lovely, and I needn’t have feared anything. Though I’m still not sure if she has read any of this or not.
We had quite a nice conversation and I managed to tell her how suicidal I am really feeling, and the method I’ve been using to burn.. l think I might pluck up the courage to talk to her more. Once she left I took out my frustration on Wilson and smacked him of the wall for about an hour I reckon.
The frustration by the way stemmed from a PTSD trigger in a relaxation session that was a little unexpected. Telling me to imagine calmly drifting out to sea, brought up some stuff, but the poor staff member wasn’t to know.
Tonight I’m both mentally and psychically tired. Hopefully I will sleep sound.
Self harming is an odd behaviour, lets be honest, although having said that people do it all the time. Smoking, drinking alcohol, eating processed foods, using sun beds, living in cities full of smog and exhaust fumes; the list goes on. Yet those behaviours are accepted by society. For me I struggle to understand why I burn myself. There are a couple of obvious reasons; it calms me down when I’m feeling suicidal, it makes me feel better when I can’t cry, it feels good when there’s pain and it feels good both picking at and taking care of the wounds after. Weird right?
It can also make me feel like a failure when I can’t do it right. if the heat is not held on until I no longer feel the pain then I feel like a failure. if it doesn’t blister properly or char the skin then it’s not adequate. I’m struggling without my usual means. I’ve burned today, several times; little burns in the same spot, but it’s not quite producing the calming endorphins that it usually would. I’m not stupid. This is not healthy.
Again I’m feeling odd today. Totally apathetic towards life.
I’ve mentioned in previous posts that some of my “temporary friends” have now been discharged. The beds they vacated have off course been immediately filled. But I’m starting to realise there is a real problem in the system as many of the new ladies are familiar faces to each other or the staff from previous admissions to various hospitals. They seem to wear these episodes like badges of honour. I listen to them bragging to each other about what they did and how they got sectioned for the 4th time. I spoke about this very topic with my friend yesterday. She works in mental health as a solicitor, and agreed with me that the system is broken. There are truly tragic stories of genuinely ill patients that end up dead due to a lack of resources in and overstretched system.
I hate to say this because it sounds cruel but some patients are here for the attention. That does not in anyway make you less in need of treatment, I would argue that itself is an illness but it puts a huge strain on the system. It also worries me that everyone I’ve chatted with has been in somewhere before. Is that going to be my future? Surely there could be better community support? I wonder if we had to pay for our NHS care (even small amounts) would there be less Munchausen’s syndrome type behaviours in the mental health system.
I’m ashamed of being in here. I shouldn’t be. I know that mental illness is as real as anything physical, but still my up bringing, and family perceptions of mental ill health leaves me with a sense of shame.
Once I’m out, I never intend to come back.
Today had been terrible. Proper black hole terrible. This evening however I had a visit from a friend. One of the inner circle ones who know a little bit about my struggles. I guess you really know who your true friends are when they are willing to come to see you in this place. It probably helps that’s she works in mental health law and is therefore not phased by anything but her visit this evening lifted my mood beyond words and provided me with some hope for the future.
We chatted babies, men, inquests, the trouble with in laws and basically 2 hours where my head was filled with her encouraging voice and not my usual inner demons. She has no idea how much I needed that today. The hug she gave me when she left was sincere and actually made me realise that when I get out of here, I do have a local friend, who is awesome!!!