addiction – What really happens in somones head?

499. A truck load

I’ve not really been sleeping and it was starting to reach crisis point. My psych consultant offered sleeping pills. I was shocked!

Long term followers will know that I previously battled a zopiclone addiction. I was buying it online, consuming 4,5,6,7………. pills at a time.

I was longing for addiction help, but it never came. I did it on my own. I quit. Stopped searching for them stopped buying them and to some extent stopped craving them.

The truth is you never really get completely over an addiction. You battle with it. Want to turn to it when you’re down, angry, lost and tired.

My psych offered me zopiclone. I said no. How about zolpidem? I reluctantly said yes.

The pills sat untouched on my dresser for a few nights. I was scared to take them………..then I did

I love that feeling, need that feeling, want more of that feeling! Now I’m scared for when the prescription will end.

I’m looking online, I’m craving them. I want to take a box full. I want to buy a truck load!!!

I need them!!!!!

Damn it loopy!!!!

Damn it psych!!!!!

Loopy x

452. Am I finally off it?

It’s been about 4 weeks now since I last gulped-down a zopiclone tab.

This is huge!!!! I’m still struggling with sleep, still trying to find the right dose of Prazosin, but oh my god, I’m rather proud of myself!!

Keep going Loopy!!

448. Withdrawel.

It turns out that my latest key worker/care coordinator is pretty good. I like her. She’s the first I’ve really like since moving home.

Anyway, she arranged a psych/meds review. I was asked the usual question. What would help you, what do you want to get out of this?

The drugs!!! I blurted out. I need to sort the drugs. So I’ve been switched from zopiclone to temazepam at night.

It’s only been 4 nights, but please please PLEASE, I need my zopiclone back. The temazepam gives me jitters, headaches and is no good for sleep.

The 10mg in comparison with the 18.75 of zopiclone, is just not cutting the mustard. I’m all tense, and anxious and jittery during the day. I’m regretting asking for the change

Plus swapping a z drug for a benzo isn’t exactly progress really, is it

In other news, I’ve found a lump. Off to the breast clinic this week. The Joy’s 😦

Loopy x

441. Getting desperate!!

I’m frantically searching uk websites for pills. I’m-desperately trying to find a legit pharmacy that’s flouting the rules. I need to feed my habit.

India is calling, but I can’t go there again. Don’t do it loopy.

DON’T DO IT. I need help……..

Loopy x

427. Psychology!!!!!!!!

I’m in shock. I thought it would never come but almost a year now, living back home and finally, I’ve received a psychology assessment appointment. July 8th over the phone.

Is it weird that I was almost excited, reading the letter.

Let’s hope this is the start of something that will ultimately be positive. I do worry a little that I’ll feel worse first.

Loopy x

Last night, for the first time in about 2 years, I slept without any zopiclone. It was a huge achievement, one that I wanted to continue tonight…. but no, I’m a dumbass and I’ve taken 7.5mg. In truth I want 15!

It was OH’s birthday today and his folks held a little party, cocktail sausages and all

It’s been the most social interaction we’ve had, and I felt very uncomfortable. This evening I feel tense and stressed and annoyed at myself for feeling uncomfortable. We also ate alot of junk and I’m feeling fat, fat FAT!!!

I don’t want lockdown to end, but it will, and I’ll have to face people again, and busy places, and gauping eyes and aaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!

I want to hide away forever…. 😦

Loopy x

415. A better place.

I don’t precisely know why, but I’m feeling better. I think my combo of meds is working. I think the good weather is uplifting and I think I’m gaining confidence with little man.
I need now to wean off my zopiclone and diazepam but I’ve been doing it slowly since coming home from hospital. I’ve not self harmed in ages, and I’ve not been purging anywhere near as much as usual.

I’m just in a better place, and it feels good. I hope I can sustain this and have more good days

Now if I could only sort out my sleep. The meds combo is working during the day, but oh my word I’m having night terrors! and incredibly scratchy painful dry eyes.

One day at a time Loopy. You’ll read this saying alot as it is my new mantra.

Loopy x

391. Night time feasts.

Last night after meds, I shovelled choclate and crisps into my gob. Previous meals, dinner and a supper scone had been purged, but damn it, I couldn’t throw up after meds as I wouldn’t sleep.

I feel utterly disgusted with myself and I’m desperate to burn.

I keep doing this; the nightime feasts. I wake up with wrappers on my bedside table, some of which I remember and some that I don’t.

Disgusting!!

Loopy x

389. Back on a ward.

I met with the crisis team yesterday, and it all escalated very quickly. I’ve been hospitalised, and I’m feeling rather pathetic. I’m worried about losing my job,losing control, losing my family, losing it all.

There’s not much to say really. this is my 3rd stint. The ward is small, mixed and I guess comfortable enough.

The staff seem very nice, but it will take me time to settle. I don’t want to be here long.

I can’t believe I’m back here again.

Loopy x

385. Another change.

I’d just told N on the phone the other day; “I’m just getting used to you”
N is my current CPN/care co-ordinator and now she’s preggers!!

I had a bit of a meltdown today and she was brilliant. It takes me a while to get used to people, to open up, and I was just finally getting comfortable with N.

In fairness, she’ll be a fabulous mum, but sigh…..I don’t want another change.

Today at my psych review I was offered more pills….more frigging pills!! I shall now have additional quietiapine (25mg) to take as needed during the day. It feels like a futile gesture. The psychiatrist just didn’t know what to do with me. He had to offer something I guess.

So now my daily regimen will be;
Quietiapine 300 mg, venlafaxine 75 mg, mirtazapine 30 mg, quietiapine 25 mg when I feel I need it, zopiclone 22.5 mg and hmmmm, orlistat 120 mg any time I’m feeling fat and guilty over eating (so quite regular).

What an absolute mess!!!

On a slightly different note, I’m considering going to a depression support group. It’s about the only thing I can access outside work hours.

They want to keep people in work, living normal lives, but all the care operates 9-5. Very VERY annoying.

Loopy x