318. Wide awake

It’s a horrible feeling, when you crawl into bed after a looooong day, and BAM! your head hits the pillow and you’re wide awake.

My mind starts over analysing the events of the day, it worries incessantly about possible future outcomes, and tick tock, tick tock, I begin counting the minutes until I must get up again….

It’s the reason I’m craving zopiclone as I type this. I’m trying to cut back… just 3.5mg tonight…

I wish I had some help. I wish I had support. I wish I had L or C again but no, I’m alone with this. My new CMHT have pretty much abandoned me.

It’s going to be a late one 😦

Loopy x

314. I can’t talk to you.

Would it be rude to say this to my new CPN? Would it be nasty to say it to OH?

I’m self distructing again. I know I’m losing control. I know I’m developing bad habits and dangerous behaviours. I know my mind is broken.

I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t even call any helplines as there are always people within earshot. I don’t know what to do?

Loopy x

312. A phone reminder.

I’d forgotten, but months ago I’d set a reminder on my phone. It was a message that said; “contact L for coffee”. It would possibly have been inappropriate, but I’d have tried anyway, had I still lived in England.

Regular followers will know that L was my CPN during my first hospital admission and subsequent discharge. She was someone who excelled at her job, and someone who I truely relied on. She was awesome! Her move to a new job, hit me a little hard and took some time to adjust to. In all honesty she pops into my head from time to time, and I catch myself asking; “what would L say?”

I’d set this reminder in the hope that by the time it popped up, I’d be aceing life, I’d have found the right balance between work and family and be happily able to regail her with tails of how I’d turned my life around (whether she was actually interested or not).

Indeed I’ve made huge life changes, though their fruitfullness is yet to be realised. I’m not aceing life, and once again I’m hiding things from OH.

It’s day 3 of orlistat usage, and yesterday I discussed addiction help with my latest CPN, due to my current reliance on zopiclone. I’m also not happy with my new CMHT. Discussions are rushed, the nurse doesn’t take any notes and I keep having to repeat myself. They don’t ring when they say they will, and I’m left chasing support, with no sign of it ever coming. They honestly don’t seem to care.

I’d give anything to have L back right now. I want to message her on Facebook, but I’ll resist.

Don’t be creepy loopy…..

Loopy x

305. I’ve ordered pills.

As part off today’s spending spree which includes a bike light, toothbrush heads, and charcoal toothpaste, I’ve also ordered zopiclone.

I can’t fully explain why I’ve bought them. I just know that I’ve been craving their sedation and I can’t resist the urge any longer. I’m not coping.. I guess today’s actions are proof of that.

I’m losing control….

Damn it Loopy!!! Now where’s that safety plan of yours??!!!

Loopy x

258. Propranolol.

I was shocked to be honest, when I picked up my new meds. I saw a psychiatrist today, and whilst increasing my venlafaxine, she added propranolol. Why was I shocked? I now have boxes of the stuff, over a grams worth. A potentially lethal dose.

I asked her how to stop the zopiclone. Her response; go cold turkey!! She won’t prescribe me more than 5 days worth at 7 mg. Which is really two days worth given my recent consumption. The goal posts have moved. My regular psych was more understanding on this front. My CPN has even said, maybe now is not the time. Do they not share notes?

My current cocktail is;

Venlafaxine 150mg am, 75mg pm. Quietiapine 100mg am, 200 mg pm. Mirtazapine 45mg pm. Propranolol 20 mg am and 20 pm.

I also have a little stash of zopicline, all prescribed, but not yet touched.

It’s too many pills. I wish someone would mind them for me. I’m too impulsive right now.

OH and little man are home. OH is working tomorrow. I have a day of house viewings (potential buyers) and a toddler caught in the grips of the terrible two’s.

Loopy x

257. A crisis.

I hung up on her. It was so cruel of me. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was done. I’d tested the cord, until my head thumped, and then i released.

I frantically tried to call her back, got through on the stepped up care number, to be told you need to ring reception!! I couldn’t get through. 10 minutes later and two individuals with official lanyards appeared at my door.

The guy shared a name with my son. I can’t help but feel that, that was deliberate. They talked at me, went for a walk with me, and promised me I’d get more help.

I have an urgent psych appointment tomorrow. I don’t know how they can help me.

I’m dreading seeing my CPN. I wonder will she dump me now? I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I never intended to cause her any stress, but I think I did.

Loopy x

240. Hypotensive?

I’m not sure but I think my blood pressure has dropped. A combination of weight loss, hard gym sessions, weeping burns and my overuse of sedatives could certainly be the cause.

I’m nauseous, fatigued, have a reduced appetite, get dizzy, have headaches and I’m shaky, unbelievably shaky.

I hope it’s hypotension. My list of symptoms could also indicate a struggling liver.

I’m quite worried.

Loopy x