Tag: alone

204. Swimming upstream.

I’ve just completely broken down on OH. There are many reasons that I’m finding today tough;

I’m going in tomorrow to discuss my return to work and I’m not ready. I lied a little to get the nod from Occi Health and right now I’m regretting those lies.

I’ve had a psychiatrist review today and that’s resulted in yet another dosage increase. They have no answers either for my F##ked up head.

Today was my last contact with my CPN as she leaves to take on a new role. Words can’t describe how much this loss has floored me. She’s been my lighthouse in the fog, my buoyancy aid through rough seas and my corner man through every punch that life has thrown at me off late. I’m struggling to process this.

And to top it all off there’s just the weight of greyness, cripplung doubts and self loathing that I cannot shake.

As I’ve said, I’ve broken down on OH. He sat quietly for a moment, drank his mug of tea and has now taken himself off to bed to “lie down for a bit”

All I really needed was a hug. Can someone please swoop me into their arms?

Loopy x

197. BJJ and kickboxing.

I’ve had endless conversations with my psychologist and my CPN about finding hobbies again. Endless conversations about improving my social circle and I’ve always come back with, ‘I don’t know what I like, or indeed used to like.

I don’t care much for girly chats about fashion, shopping, manicures and the latest trends in dieting. I feel ugly in groups of women and judged.

I’m a Tom boy, through and through, and I’ve been thinking lately about the judo I used to do at uni and the lovely support worker who brought in pads and gloves for me to use in hospital. I’ve been googling local clubs lately and trying to muster up the courage to go.

I changed my outfit like 4 times, brushed my teeth 5 times, kept scolding the reflection in my mirror but I did it. I managed to go out of my comfort zone and try a new class.

The BJJ and kick boxing, that I’ve just attended, may be the answer to venting all the angst and rage that I used to vent with “Wilson”

Loopy x

196. Not coping.

God this day needs to end. I’m home alone and I don’t do so good alone.

I can’t keep doing this. The binging, the purging, the self hatred and the relentless scheduling of activities to fill my day. My head is so fuzzy and I’m so tired.

I need to knock myself out for a while, so sweet dreams people.

I honestly don’t care if tomorrow never comes. It will come though, and this hamster wheel will continue to spin.

Loopy x

160. The road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Oh Robert Frost, I’ve yet to choose.

Loopy x

141. Keeping myself busy.

I’m afraid of time alone.  This past two days I’ve been on my own and I’ve literally not allowed myself anytime for rest or thinking. I had psychology today which gave me a reason to get up.  I’ve since vacumed and mopped all my floors twice, blitzed Little mans room, the spare room and all of downstrairs.  I’ve done 3 loads of laundry, I’ve gone to the gym, and gone out on my bike.  I’m afraid of those moments of respite that most people long for.  That’s when I start to think, self criticise, catasrophize and become self destructive.

I’ve slightly abused diazepam this past two nights. I’ve taken more than one really should; just enough to find some much needed sleep. I felt no ill effects from the 15 mg this morning.  Dancing with Benzo’s is a risky game, I know. I won’t do it once I have caring responsabilites again.

Tomorrow is another big day for me.  I’m finally speaking to Occi Health about my impending return to work.  I don’t feel ready yet and I’m mad at myself for not being ready. I’ve just read my hospital discharge summary again and to be honest it doesn’t really give the full picture. I guess I’ll have to be honest tomorrow, if I can.  I’ll have to check what information he is obliged to share with managers first.

Feeling rather stressed this evening.

Loopy x.

 

114. Struggling today.

My body is filled with lead today. The weather, grey and weepy, is a good reflection of my mood.  I neglected my son this mornig by staying in bed, even though he was awake in the next room (I threw some toys into his cot, and I could hear him clearly). I’m not fit to be a mother. I just didn’t want to get up.  I’m feeling tired and emotional.  I’ve still had no contact from my family which shows you just how much they appreciate the difficulties of mental ill health. OH is trying (went for blood tests today), but he lacks motivation and drive also.  He’s tired too.

After eventaully dragging myself up, I went to the GP to sort out my meds for the next few days.  They apparently hadn’t recieved my discharge summary, so I had to ring the ward. The familiar voice on the phone was pleasant, caring and upbeat.  I wish I was still in there. How pathetic is that? I’m feeling very alone out here.  The urge to burn is strong today.

It feels inevitable, that I will die by suicide someday.

Take your bike out Loopy, it always cheers you up.

Loopy x.

111. Feeling let down.

Today was quite a momentous day.  As documented earlier, I’ve been released from the psychiatric hospital that I called home this past two months. Both my mother and my sister knew I was returning home today.

My sister was quite frankly horrible to me this morning and after abruptly hanging up on me in a rage, I’ve not heard from her since. I’m not calling her, quite frankly I don’t have the strength.

Nor have I had any contact from my mother. She gets home from work at 3 and it’s now 10 pm. They really don’t care do they?  I’m feeling totally let down, deflated and alone in all this. This is when the suicidal thoughts creep in the most, when I’m feeling lonely.  Time to ask OH for some cuddles.

Tomorrow is another day I guess.

Loopy x.