Today we discussed my liberation from this place. I’ll be discharged on Monday provided weekend leave goes well.
I’m not quite as terrified as the last time I was released from a hospital, but the jitters have hit a little. All off a sudden life has coming hurtling towards me once again. I’ve had a couple of really effective psychology sessions in here though. I’ll miss him.
For the first time ever, someone has properly unpicked me and more importantly enabled to to gain an understanding of why I think and behave the way I do. Since my last overdose we’ve been reintroducing all my meds. Today I told them to halt at the lower doses. I think I feel better at these levels.
Loopy you are enough!!! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!
These were the words that I heard today, when talking to a doc on the ward.
She was spot on. Why do I keep seeking support and approval from people who are incapable off it.
I must look elsewhere, and accept that some people simply lack the capacity to fulfill my emotional needs.
Emotionally unstable personality disorder or borderline for those of you in the states. They dropped that little bombshell yesterday in my ward round. A ward round I didn’t know I was having and one that took place after hours so my care coordinator was absent.
It came as a shock. I’m finding it a little difficult to come to terms with.
Having since read up on it (since no one bothered to talk to me about it), I can say it probably makes a lot of sense.
Why the hell was it not picked up sooner?
I was promptly shut down again.
It’s been over 2 weeks. 2 weeks off sizing people up. 2 weeks of them all telling me I need to talk more. 2 weeks of nervous silence.
Today I finally picked my confidante. I thought my named nurse would be a sensabke chouce. For a few minutes I poured my heart out. Just a few minutes later I heard; “would you mind going to the other ward loopy?”
Seriously!!!! And worse it poured from the lips of the nurse I’d just confided in.
Bam, slap in the face!!!! Another cruel rejection!
The doc in here is too black and white. “You need a plan loopy” “you need to quit something”
He’s not seeing “me”. I’m so much more than just an over tired working mum. I’m a self loathing mess, crippled with self hatred and self doubts. I have a complex past that has shaped who I am today. I am not black and white I am different shades of grey.. only grey.
They’re all dying to discharge me. They can’t see what I and my CPN can see, I need more help. I need to be moved to the ward with the clock. They had more empathy, more compassion and gave more of themselves to understanding “me”
Having said that, I’m being unfair. The staff do try but I’m not comfortable enough yet to open up.
I need to ligature. If I’m lucky, I’ll pass out.
I am so ashamed of how I’m feeling. Everyone is asking me to talk more, but I fear they’ll realise just how horrible I am.
I want to give up. I want to leave little man in ireland, abandon OH, and take no more breaths on this earth.
I’m a quitter, a waste of space and I’ve been experimenting with ligatures.
I’m no good for either of them anyway. Im no good for anyone.
Just do it loopy, end your pain.
I had done it. I had landed a premium position at a Russell group university. It was my dream job. I had worked so hard to get to that point and now……..
Now I’m probably throwing it all away. Now I can see no better options but to relinquish this positiin and head, tail between my legs for home.
I simply couldn’t cope. This morning I tied a sheet around my neck and flopped head thumping to the floor. It wasn’t tight enough, and staff found me.
I want to do it again, tighter this time… I want someone to take my angst away. I want to feel like less of a failure. I want to die.
I really don’t know how to continue living.