385. Another change.

I’d just told N on the phone the other day; “I’m just getting used to you”
N is my current CPN/care co-ordinator and now she’s preggers!!

I had a bit of a meltdown today and she was brilliant.  It takes me a while to get used to people, to open up, and I was just finally getting comfortable with N. 

In fairness, she’ll be a fabulous mum, but sigh…..I don’t want another change.

Today at my psych review I was offered more pills….more frigging pills!! I shall now have additional quietiapine (25mg) to take as needed during the day.  It feels like a futile gesture.  The psychiatrist just didn’t know what to do with me.  He had to offer something I guess.

So now my daily regimen will be;
Quietiapine 300 mg, venlafaxine 75 mg, mirtazapine 30 mg, quietiapine 25 mg when I feel I need it, zopiclone 22.5 mg and hmmmm, orlistat 120 mg any time I’m feeling fat and guilty over eating (so quite regular).

What an absolute mess!!!

On a slightly different note, I’m considering going to a depression support group. It’s about the only thing I can access outside work hours.

They want to keep people in work, living normal lives, but all the care operates 9-5. Very VERY annoying.

Loopy x

383. I must

I must appreciate my son more.
I must love him, cherish him and protect him.
I must stop dreading our time together.
I must try harder.

I must create a summer studentship project.
I must create new module content.
I must create a scholarly research project.
I must publish.
I must try harder.

I must stop buying pills.

I must stop abusing zopicline.

I must stop purging.
I must drink more water.
I must stop self harming.
I must try harder.

I must call my best friend more. 
I must arrange to see her.
I must make more of an effort with OH and our families
I must try harder.

I must stop procrastinating.
I must be more productive.
I must set goals and achieve them.
I must try harder.

I must appreciate my life more.
I must stop dwelling on the negatives.
I must stop being a pessimist.
I must stop hating myself.
I must try harder.

I must accept my crappy eyesight, and ignore the constant stares from strangers
I must accept my life.
I must stop feeling overwhelmed.
I must stop planning my suicide.
I must lose weight.

I must stop wanting to quit it all.
I must get my shit together!!!!!!!

I can’t………………..

Loopy x

377. Nausea

I’ve had 3 nights now without my proper meds routine.  Had around 4 calls yesterday and 3 more today to try and sort this out.  Finally my CPN stepped in and rescued the situation with multiple calls of her own.

Apparently my script was sent to the wrong GP practice, the pharmacist then played a game of lucky dips, and eventually I lost the plot and called N (my CPN)

3 days and I swear I’m having withdrawal symptoms; nausea, peeing alot, vomiting, shakyness and just overly unwell.  I’ll know by tomorrow as I now have all my meds , for tonight.

If these symptoms persist, then it could be tbe zopiclone.  My use of that has escalated fast in recent weeks.


Loopy x

345. The love of a toddler.

Nothing comes close. When my little man runs towards me, shouting Teeeeeee! and flings his arms around me, I feel euphoric!!! I’m still struggling with things but the progress me and little man have made, is unbelievable.

This little guy, is my greatest achievement. He is beautiful and funny and growing into one heck of a little character. I love him, and he loves me too. We’ve come so far this past year, and we have so much more to look forward to.

I regret those days I didn’t like him very much. I regret feeling like he hated me. I regret trying to leave him. How could I possibly do that to him? I’m sorry little man, but I’m getting there.

Today you smashed a cup, smeared choclate over cushions, peed on the bathroom floor, spilt milk all over the tiles, tossed blocks everywhere, bashed my laptop keys and screen, persisted with thr destruction that only a toddler boy can muster…. but I don’t care.

You are my world, you are all that really matters. You are my “Hah wah!”

I love you buddy.

Teeeeeeee

337. A little manic.

“You sound hyped” my sister remarked, as we chatted earlier.

She was right, I do feel quite manic today. I’m in a good mood. I bought clothes in the spur of the moment, which I rarely do. If my bank account could cope, I’d have bought an iPad.

I’m looking at ebikes, that cost thousands. I’m searching amazon for things to buy. I want to spend!!!

My rational brain is holding me back. I don’t get paid until Monday. Hopefully my desire to buy stuff will have eased by then. If not, I’ll quickly blow my first pay cheque.

I’m frigging pumped!!!

Loopy x

323. Anxious!!

My anxiety levels are through the roof. I’ve been offered my dream job, but I fear it shall be snatched away from me.

The medical questionnaire was very in depth. If I lied too much, I could be easily caught out. I fear I’ve spilled too much. I fear the prejudices and stigma around mental health will come to the fore and rob me off my future.

I can’t bear it. Best case scenario I’m pulled into Occi Health for an assessment. Worse case……..well…………….

If I lose it now, I’ll be more than crushed.

I should have lied!!!

Loopy x

317. My Suicide attempt.

A year ago today; I wrote a note and swallowed pills. I wanted to die. Thankfully panic took over and I called 999.

I can’t believe it has been a year. I can’t believe I had a proper mental breakdown and not 1 but 2 psychiatric ward admissions. I can’t believe that 1 year on, we’ve left work, moved home, and I’m just about to take on “my dream job” back on Irish soil.

I think off those women and men that somehow brought me back from the brink regularly. The amazing psych nurses, support workers, psychologists and care co-ordinators that dug me out off hell, and gave me hope.

I really should send them a thank you.

1 year on, and I’m hopeful. 1 year on, I’m a little stronger and as I type this, I have zero suicidal intent. 1 year on and myself and OH are stronger, and my love for little man is beyond anything; I’d ever imagined possible. That boy is my greatest achievement, and oh my word, I’m so proud off him.

Let’s hope the next 12 months are kinder to us all.

We deserve happiness.

Loopy x