It’s pretty much 12am and I’m just heading for bed. I’ve been preparing a PowerPoint presentation, that must be submitted by tomorrow. “How would you embed employability into the science cirriculum?. It’s for my “dream job” at a top UK Russell group uni, yet my hearts not in it. Why is my heart not in it?
I’ve completed the slides, and will send them off by the deadline tomorrow. But I really must summon some enthusiasm before the actual interview/interrogation on the 31st of this month.
I must also prepare for a phone interview this Friday at another university for a part time, working from home gig. I have no enthusiasm for that either. What the hell is wrong with me??!!
On a side note, I think I should set up a CV consultancy business. I’m very good (near 100% success) at landing interviews!!!
I can’t explain this but I have this awful niggling feeling that I’m going to die soon. It’s a feeling that comes and goes, but tonight it’s quite strong.
I can see the devastation on OH and little man. I can see my family crowding round my coffin at my wake. I can see a doctor confirming that my cancer is terminal. I can see it all.
I’m having little chest pains tonight, which I guess are fueling my thoughts a little
Do other people think like this? I don’t like it.
I emailed my boss this morning, as I’ve not heard from him, as I was supposed to. His secretary replied asking for my phone number. The phone just rang, and frozen with anxiety and fear, I couldn’t answer
I can’t explain the fear. I can’t explain why today, all day, my stomach is in knots. Today I’m glad of my propranolol on prescription.
Today my head is running riot, and I can’t settle. Emotionally today is a struggle.
Today we discussed my liberation from this place. I’ll be discharged on Monday provided weekend leave goes well.
I’m not quite as terrified as the last time I was released from a hospital, but the jitters have hit a little. All off a sudden life has coming hurtling towards me once again. I’ve had a couple of really effective psychology sessions in here though. I’ll miss him.
For the first time ever, someone has properly unpicked me and more importantly enabled to to gain an understanding of why I think and behave the way I do. Since my last overdose we’ve been reintroducing all my meds. Today I told them to halt at the lower doses. I think I feel better at these levels.
Loopy you are enough!!! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!
These were the words that I heard today, when talking to a doc on the ward.
She was spot on. Why do I keep seeking support and approval from people who are incapable off it.
I must look elsewhere, and accept that some people simply lack the capacity to fulfill my emotional needs.
Emotionally unstable personality disorder or borderline for those of you in the states. They dropped that little bombshell yesterday in my ward round. A ward round I didn’t know I was having and one that took place after hours so my care coordinator was absent.
It came as a shock. I’m finding it a little difficult to come to terms with.
Having since read up on it (since no one bothered to talk to me about it), I can say it probably makes a lot of sense.
Why the hell was it not picked up sooner?
I was promptly shut down again.
It’s been over 2 weeks. 2 weeks off sizing people up. 2 weeks of them all telling me I need to talk more. 2 weeks of nervous silence.
Today I finally picked my confidante. I thought my named nurse would be a sensabke chouce. For a few minutes I poured my heart out. Just a few minutes later I heard; “would you mind going to the other ward loopy?”
Seriously!!!! And worse it poured from the lips of the nurse I’d just confided in.
Bam, slap in the face!!!! Another cruel rejection!