275. I’m getting out.

Today we discussed my liberation from this place. I’ll be discharged on Monday provided weekend leave goes well.

I’m not quite as terrified as the last time I was released from a hospital, but the jitters have hit a little. All off a sudden life has coming hurtling towards me once again. I’ve had a couple of really effective psychology sessions in here though. I’ll miss him.

For the first time ever, someone has properly unpicked me and more importantly enabled to to gain an understanding of why I think and behave the way I do. Since my last overdose we’ve been reintroducing all my meds. Today I told them to halt at the lower doses. I think I feel better at these levels.

Loopy you are enough!!! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

Loopy x

270. “You’re living my dream”

That simple off the cuff comment from a fellow service user almost reduced me to tears. I felt instantly ashamed of my depression. Instantlyashamed of my inability to cope with my seemingly “perfect” life.

I’ve been told regularly in here that I have more to live for than most.

Sorry guys, I guess mental illness didn’t get the memo. It chose anyway. I didn’t realise it had set criteria.

Loopy x

268. EUPD or BPD

Emotionally unstable personality disorder or borderline for those of you in the states. They dropped that little bombshell yesterday in my ward round. A ward round I didn’t know I was having and one that took place after hours so my care coordinator was absent.

It came as a shock. I’m finding it a little difficult to come to terms with.

Having since read up on it (since no one bothered to talk to me about it), I can say it probably makes a lot of sense.

Why the hell was it not picked up sooner?

Loopy x

264. It’s not that simple.

The doc in here is too black and white. “You need a plan loopy” “you need to quit something”

He’s not seeing “me”. I’m so much more than just an over tired working mum. I’m a self loathing mess, crippled with self hatred and self doubts. I have a complex past that has shaped who I am today. I am not black and white I am different shades of grey.. only grey.

They’re all dying to discharge me. They can’t see what I and my CPN can see, I need more help. I need to be moved to the ward with the clock. They had more empathy, more compassion and gave more of themselves to understanding “me”

Having said that, I’m being unfair. The staff do try but I’m not comfortable enough yet to open up.

I need to ligature. If I’m lucky, I’ll pass out.

Loopy x

257. A crisis.

I hung up on her. It was so cruel of me. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was done. I’d tested the cord, until my head thumped, and then i released.

I frantically tried to call her back, got through on the stepped up care number, to be told you need to ring reception!! I couldn’t get through. 10 minutes later and two individuals with official lanyards appeared at my door.

The guy shared a name with my son. I can’t help but feel that, that was deliberate. They talked at me, went for a walk with me, and promised me I’d get more help.

I have an urgent psych appointment tomorrow. I don’t know how they can help me.

I’m dreading seeing my CPN. I wonder will she dump me now? I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I never intended to cause her any stress, but I think I did.

Loopy x

85. Less tired today.

I’ve been on a higher does of quetiapine now for 3 nights.  Sleep still eludes me but today I’m feeling less knocked out by the quetiapine.  I guess I’m starting to adjust. Today the overwhelming sensation is stress; which is a little easier to cope with than yesterdays suicidal ideation.  I have no desire to ligature today.

Despite being in hospital, I’m still having to organise everything. Contact nursery, pay bills and liaise with grandparents regarding the care of little man. My head is going to explode. It’s a tangible and all to familiar feeling. It’s like a physical squeezing on my head.

I’ve also pulled a leg muscle which is frustrating as it means I can’t kick Wilson as much as I need to.  How will I cope with the urges to self harm today? My mood is a little better though.

Loopy x.