It’s gone and I’m devastated. I rang voicemail this evening in the hope of hearing C. Those of you following will know that C, was my 2nd CPN. I had 2, when I lived away from home; L and C.
They were quite different in approach, but equally excellent. Some days days I miss L and some days I miss C
Today, I would give anything to hear; “hey loopy, it’s C.” She started every voicemail in the same manner, and tone. It was a clearly practiced and unwavering greeting, and when I heard it on my voicemail, I knew the cavalry had arrived. I knew someone had my back.
She was logical and caring, and honest. If C said she was going to do something, then she would do it.
I can’t believe her voicemail has been deleted. I should have saved it. I’m gutted.
It possibly sounds a little creepy, but I’m sure we can all recognise our brains ability to associate emotions with memories, experiences and sounds. C’s voice brings control, calm, support, empathy snd humour. God I wish I’d saved the voicemail!!!!
I’m absolutely falling apart. My whole journey home today was filled with thoughts of jumping in front of a car, hanging myself over the back of my office door, swallowing mounds of zopiclone….. Anything, Anything to make it stop!! I just need a moment, I need it all to just stops!!!..
I’m sick of the broken promises over here. “We’ll get you help for your eating disorder”.. “We’ve referred you to addiction services” ,”I’ll ring you back””
It’s all bullshit!! I’ve been “home” since last July. The disparity in care is shocking. We have probably the highest suicide rates in the UK, and I’m not surprised. There is no help here. There is no route to recovery, and I can’t wait any longer.
I need to talk to C……I need help. Someone, anyone, please help me
I’ve had 3 nights now without my proper meds routine. Had around 4 calls yesterday and 3 more today to try and sort this out. Finally my CPN stepped in and rescued the situation with multiple calls of her own.
Apparently my script was sent to the wrong GP practice, the pharmacist then played a game of lucky dips, and eventually I lost the plot and called N (my CPN)
3 days and I swear I’m having withdrawal symptoms; nausea, peeing alot, vomiting, shakyness and just overly unwell. I’ll know by tomorrow as I now have all my meds , for tonight.
If these symptoms persist, then it could be tbe zopiclone. My use of that has escalated fast in recent weeks.
The thing is, I don’t know if it’s real, or imagined. Is there actually a little high pitched tone emanating from something in the room, or is it all in my head?
It’s troubling my right ear. It’s unsettling. I’ve had this sensation before, but tonight it feels a little louder than usual.
I often get little muscle twitches. They usually happen with my fingers. Uncontrollably one of my fingers will jolt from bent to straight, and back again.
I attribute this to my meds. I’m not entirely sure which one is the culprit but I do know that stress, fatigue and the nights I take higher doses of zopiclone, all make it worse.
Today however, catching me completely by surprise; my face twitched. I couldn’t tell precisely where on my face, but I felt it.
I can tell you though, that I’m worried about it
Today we discussed my liberation from this place. I’ll be discharged on Monday provided weekend leave goes well.
I’m not quite as terrified as the last time I was released from a hospital, but the jitters have hit a little. All off a sudden life has coming hurtling towards me once again. I’ve had a couple of really effective psychology sessions in here though. I’ll miss him.
For the first time ever, someone has properly unpicked me and more importantly enabled to to gain an understanding of why I think and behave the way I do. Since my last overdose we’ve been reintroducing all my meds. Today I told them to halt at the lower doses. I think I feel better at these levels.
Loopy you are enough!!! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!
That simple off the cuff comment from a fellow service user almost reduced me to tears. I felt instantly ashamed of my depression. Instantlyashamed of my inability to cope with my seemingly “perfect” life.
I’ve been told regularly in here that I have more to live for than most.
Sorry guys, I guess mental illness didn’t get the memo. It chose anyway. I didn’t realise it had set criteria.
Emotionally unstable personality disorder or borderline for those of you in the states. They dropped that little bombshell yesterday in my ward round. A ward round I didn’t know I was having and one that took place after hours so my care coordinator was absent.
It came as a shock. I’m finding it a little difficult to come to terms with.
Having since read up on it (since no one bothered to talk to me about it), I can say it probably makes a lot of sense.
Why the hell was it not picked up sooner?
The doc in here is too black and white. “You need a plan loopy” “you need to quit something”
He’s not seeing “me”. I’m so much more than just an over tired working mum. I’m a self loathing mess, crippled with self hatred and self doubts. I have a complex past that has shaped who I am today. I am not black and white I am different shades of grey.. only grey.
They’re all dying to discharge me. They can’t see what I and my CPN can see, I need more help. I need to be moved to the ward with the clock. They had more empathy, more compassion and gave more of themselves to understanding “me”
Having said that, I’m being unfair. The staff do try but I’m not comfortable enough yet to open up.
I need to ligature. If I’m lucky, I’ll pass out.
I hung up on her. It was so cruel of me. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was done. I’d tested the cord, until my head thumped, and then i released.
I frantically tried to call her back, got through on the stepped up care number, to be told you need to ring reception!! I couldn’t get through. 10 minutes later and two individuals with official lanyards appeared at my door.
The guy shared a name with my son. I can’t help but feel that, that was deliberate. They talked at me, went for a walk with me, and promised me I’d get more help.
I have an urgent psych appointment tomorrow. I don’t know how they can help me.
I’m dreading seeing my CPN. I wonder will she dump me now? I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I never intended to cause her any stress, but I think I did.
I’ve been on a higher does of quetiapine now for 3 nights. Sleep still eludes me but today I’m feeling less knocked out by the quetiapine. I guess I’m starting to adjust. Today the overwhelming sensation is stress; which is a little easier to cope with than yesterdays suicidal ideation. I have no desire to ligature today.
Despite being in hospital, I’m still having to organise everything. Contact nursery, pay bills and liaise with grandparents regarding the care of little man. My head is going to explode. It’s a tangible and all to familiar feeling. It’s like a physical squeezing on my head.
I’ve also pulled a leg muscle which is frustrating as it means I can’t kick Wilson as much as I need to. How will I cope with the urges to self harm today? My mood is a little better though.