300. Weepy!

I can’t stop crying…

Today we emptied our house and shipped all our stuff home before we follow on Thursday.

Right now I can’t stop crying. I’m crying because I’m still depressed. I’m crying because I’m having really strong suicidal urges and I’m crying because it doesn’t matter where we move to… my head will follow us.

I feel absolutely hopeless.

Loopy x

299. Can I take her with me?

Today I had my last appointment with my current CPN. C has been absolutely fantastic this past few months and I’m very sad to be losing her.

She has organised my transfer of care and given me copies of all the necessary paperwork. I actually have an appointment with my new CMHT next Monday. God I hope they’re as good as my current one.

I really wish I could take C with me.

Loopy x

297. A shock.

Today I went into work, for what was supposed to be my final time.

It was a day full of saddness and shock as myself and colleagues learned that one of our own sadly passed away last night.

The mood was understandibly low as everyone tried to process the news. She was in charge of all our labs. She was the go to person if we had issues with our practical classes, but more than this, she was a really really nice lady who has been taken far too soon.

The teaching labs will never be the same again. It really hit me though that she has left behind a grieving family. A family that would give anything to spend more time with her.

I sway back and forth on the positives and negatives of us moving back home. Today I’m grateful that I’ve resigned. I’m grateful that myself, OH and little man will spend more time with our families.

That’s what life is really about isn’t it? On our death beds, none of us will be wishing that we worked more!!!! Call the ones you love today, because tomorrow they might not be here…..

Loopy x

294. I get very attached.

Next week we are leaving our current house to move home to live with OH’s parents for a while. I’m nervous.

I’ll be under thr care of a new CMHT and the most daunting part of this for me, is that I’ll be losing my wonderful CPN. I’m gutted. When I find care providers that I like, I must admit that I do get very attached.

I was gutted losing L months ago, but C stepped in and for this past few months she’s been my rock. She’s supported me before, during and after my latest hospital admission. She’s talked with me, laughed with me and honestly has simply been frigging amazing!

She’s had a huge impact on my life, and I’ll miss her terribly. These losses never get any easier.

Loopy x

289. Teeeeeee!!!

I heard it bellowed in the airport, once the initial confusion passed, and he realised Mummys home!!!

My little man embraced me, with the best cuddle I’ve ever had. He smiled, and giggled and held my hand tightly. After 11 weeks of distance, I was worried, but I needn’t have been.

It was exactly what I needed. It was exactly what he needed. We’re a family again, and one that I must work harder to sustain. I must do better for you.

I love you little man, and I’ll always be your Teeeeee!!!

Loopy x

288. Little man.

The last time I saw my little man in the flesh, was as I waved goodbye to him at the psych hospital door. It has been 11 weeks and although I’ve face timed him, I’m not sure how he will receive me tomorrow.

I can’t wait to hug him, and tell him that I love him, but I’m also terrified that our bond is irreparably broken.

I feel like I abandoned him (again). I feel like he was happy during my absence and thus would be better off without unstable me in his life. I feel so much guilt, for almost leaving him permanently during my last dumb overdose. I really could have died, and yet sitting here now waiting for what tomorrow will bring, I’m craving sleeping pills, or self harm, or………. something to stop my racing head. I need better coping mechanisms. I need help.

My little man deserves a better mum. I hope, with all my heart that I can be just that…….

What if I fail again?

Loopy x.

286. Dying young

I can’t explain this but I have this awful niggling feeling that I’m going to die soon. It’s a feeling that comes and goes, but tonight it’s quite strong.

I can see the devastation on OH and little man. I can see my family crowding round my coffin at my wake. I can see a doctor confirming that my cancer is terminal. I can see it all.

I’m having little chest pains tonight, which I guess are fueling my thoughts a little

Do other people think like this? I don’t like it.

Loopy x