He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.
I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.
Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.
Just go to bed!!
I’ve chomped my nails, down to the stumps, I’ve binged and purged. I’ve burned and tonight for the first time since discharge, I want to knock myself out with zopiclone and diazepam, both of which I have in my possession (not loads)
I can’t explain it but a huge wave of sadness, hopelessness, self doubts and self destructive urges have hit me hard this evening…
And so the cycle begins again……………
I tried, but i fell short. This evening I locked my bathroom door, tied pj bottoms around the shower curtain rail, and threw some knots around my neck. I’d almost got it perfect.
But then the cavalry arrived.
I though I’d have more time. Checks here are scarse at best. Now my clothes have been removed and cupboards cleared. I’ll try again, I’m sure of it.
I’ve come to the very sad realisation that it’s not OH and little man who’d be better off without me. It’s me, it’s me, it’s me who needs to go. I can’t continue any longer pretending to be smashing life when in fact it’s crushing me….
That little voice in my head, “run fatty run, puke fatty puke, burn ugly burn, your a failure, your a waste of space, you difficult and selfish and horrid. Die damn it, do us all a favour and die!!!
“You dont want to be losing that nice figure now, when you do have it”
“You don’t want to be piling that weight back on”
Seriously!!!! Why the hell do I answer my phone…
I’ve already thrown up lunch today. It was too starchy (baked potato). I’m feeling dehydrated and I’m tired.
On the bright side, I’ve finally seen a psychologist. It’s a start I guess.
I need to run, I need to run, I NEED TO RUN!!!
I’m a ball of nervous tension. I’m going stir crazy. I need to run!!!
Our little yard is the size of a frigging matchbox.. I can’t sprint there. We have a ball, but the walls are more glass than brick. I’m desperate to kick it HARD!!! What is it we me and football’s in hospital??
I sneaked in a little burn earlier, but it didn’t work. The waters not hot enough, and they’ve sequestered my straighteners so no joy there.
How on earth do I vent all this???
I’ve caused so much stress and fear and worry. I had no idea, I still had followers from my previous location.
At about 5am thus morning, OH rolled me over and whispered softly; “loopy there’s a police man here to talk to you” My instant thought was oh crap, I’m being arrested for possession!!
But no, he was here to check on my wellbeing.. He was here because someone identified a risk, and they acted on it. He was here because someone cares.
You know who you are. (I wish I did too, so that I could call or email you, thank you, and reassure you that I’m ok.). I wish you were still involved with my care.
I’m not really ok, but this whole episode has prompted OH into action, it has prompted me to be more aware of the impacts of my actions. I spoke last night to teary parents, and a cousin that the police had traced in efforts to find me. I awoke to a phone inundated with missed calls and messages.
I’m going to demand more help. I’m going to check out private care. I’m going to somehow get through the next few days.
Whoever you are, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
It bugs me that they’ve literally just printed off a booklet from another health trust, and they’ve not even attempted to adapt it, or personalise it. I get that it might be a useful tool, but it feels like an after thought, something printed randomly from the web. Plagiarised!!!!!!
Putting that aside, I will complete it. I will attempt to log my feelings, eating habits and use of not so good weight control measures. I will try.
It’s all so blah!!!!! But at least I guess, it’s a start at helping me.