492. Tracking thoughts

I’m back in therapy and have been asked to keep a record of my thoughts etc, so this will be a growing post.

29th of July- Terrible nightmare. I woke in shock, flustered and a little frantic. In my dream Murphy died (my little pup). For some really bizarre reason we decided to throw his dead corpse on our fire. Just as the flames began to rise, Murphy woke up and stood staring at me in agony as the flames engulfed him. If you’ve ever seen one of those ISIS burning videos, it was very akin to those. If you’ve never seen one, please don’t look them up. Murphy moved around and eventually dropped, me watching terrified and guilt stricken, and devastated…….then I woke up.

30th of July- Depressed, heart broken and stressed. I feel like crap anyway these days. Pregnancy is really tough this time. I had an iron infusion last Monday, but no benefit as of yet. I’m tired, everything aches and I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m also sadly dreading the arrival of littlest man. I’m currently at home and today I cried as I watched little man being overwhelmed by all the kids that were running about. I cried as he hid away trying to escape them and I cried again when I overheard them mocking him. He can cope to some extent with one child, possibly two if he knows them well, but today’s 7 completely stressed him out. This evening it was then just him and O. They had great fun until O ran off to join the others. Little man stood and watched him leave, then begged for his shoes so that he could follow, then trundled home again sadly, forgotten by the group and left behind as they all carried on their fun. I can’t bear to see him so lost and sad. I don’t know how to help him integrate, I don’t know what to do, I feel so useless. I hate being home, his symptoms are always more pronounced here. I can’t wait to get back to our little family home.

Mum by the way caught me weeping. She just can’t ever be supportive or empathetic. ‘Well you should see what poor Sharon has to deal with and then you’d know about worries”

Thanks for that.

2nd of August- Very low, exhausted, worthless and a 2nd iron infusion. At the hospital my resting pulse was 125, and baby’s heart rate was up too, although it settled. The nurse commented; ‘you’re not yourself today’ She’s only met me once before. She was right though, I’m feeling crap today and I spent the whole infusion fighting back tears. I can’t explain my feelings or the cause of them. I’m really really sad. I’m not ready for baby number 2 and already going through the motions is draining me. I have that familiar feeling of; I wish I could run away. I wish it all would stop!

3rd of August- I’m struggling with little man. His mood swings and his temper are really grating on me. It’s partly because I’m so physically unwell, breathless, nauseous and all my joints are failing me. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I’m not sure I want this baby and the guilt of those thoughts is crushing me too. I can’t do it. I’m back at work but I’m not really fit to be there. I’ve no focus, no energy and I’m just hating it. I want to lie in bed all day, partly because I’m physically struggling and partly because I want to shut out the world. I threw up earlier due to nausea, but it felt good so I purged a bit more. I’ve been really craving self harm, and tonight I’ve finally succumbed to that urge. Right now it feels great but I’m sure I’ll regret this tomorrow. Little man is being really clingy again and I’m worried about his upcoming ASD assessment. I’m also worried that little bump might have albinism. You think I’d be o.k with that given I’ve experience in that area, but nope it would come as a terrible blow. Selfish huh?

5th of August- I don’t know who to ring! OH is working and I’m in agony. Excruciating ankle foot and leg pain! No swelling or redness so unlikely DVT. No cramps either, it feels more like a fracture but it’s not. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!! I I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE! I want pills, I want help, I want to talk to someone! I don’t know who to call??? ……….. Update- I have listened to hypnobirthing rainbows relaxation. It is hard to relax, I’m too sore BUT I’ve stopped crying and gotten my breathing under control. A bit calmer now.

7th of August. Why do I answer the phone? Sis just rang on yet another rant about our darling family. Went on and on about the usual put downs, mum drinking etc etc. I try to compartmentalise Mums comments these days into a box in my head called; ‘let it go, you know what she’s like, her opinions don’t matter”. —-still working on the title:)…. Anyway apparently her and sis were talking about a brutal murder in Dublin where a fella killed his ex girlfriend and how common these types of things seem to be these days. Mum off course has her opinion; “it’s the youth of today, ruined, spoiled, demanding everything and never being told no!, can handle nothing! and when they don’t get their own way they just can’t cope! Ruined!…. That’s not the bit that got to me though, it’s how she ended her little rant..”AND ITS THE SAME AS ALL THOSE ONES COMMITTING SUICIDE”………………..I’m angry, really blood boiling angry. Considering a revenge suicide, where I send letters and videos to all media declaring I’ve committed suicide, so that she can’t possibly hide the truth. Oh how it would embarrass her!! Off course I know this is just anger talking and since we don’t do healthy dialogue in my family I need to park this and move on….but as someone who has felt that low on numerous occasions, as someone who has been hurt by those times that mum is so ashamed of my illness, I just can’t ignore this. I can’t stop my blood boiling….

266. The A word; Again!!

Today I was able to face time little man. It’s the first time I’ve seen him in about 3 weeks. He seems to be doing ok which is good, but mum guilt has certainly kicked in. I’ve abandoned him again.

Family have once more raised concerns about his social skills. I really wish they wouldn’t. Now is not the time.

I do worry about him. I do still think he shows ASD traits and it’s a fact that he is speech delayed, but I can’t face that right now.

There are some huge changes ahead. Changes that will hopefully make little man’s upbringing better. The problem is, I’m not good with change. I’m flipping constantly between hope and suicidal despair. It’s exhausting.

Back on the ward now, and I’ve burned.

Loopy x

184. Little man is stressed.

Being at home has reignited my fears for little man. It’s hard to watch him getting stressed whilst my niece and nephews fuss and flock around him.

He is only 2, but everyone agrees that he cries more than an average toddler. He cries for no apparent reason. He cries when there’s noise and when he transitions from one activity to another. He’s still walking on his toes, although not all the time.

He has come on a lot this past few months in many ways. He shows me affection and plays with me and OH but there is just something about him that niggles at me, and makes me fear for his future.

My family are ncredibly loud though and actually they stress me out too.

I’ve had enough of being at home now, but I’ve got a week to go yet. I need to burn.

Loopy x.

174. Nervous.

Tomorrow I’m going against every fibre in my being. All I wasn’t to do is hide away.

Tomorrow I’m braving a toddler group and I’m bricking it! I was supposed to be met outside, but a phoncall confirmed that my hand holder would in fact be late. I’m trying to be positive but my head has filled with fears;

The other woman will stare at me and mock me behind my back for looking like crap.

They’ll have there own alrezdy established impenetrable cliques.

No one will talk to me.

I’ll struggle to help littleman with any activities due to my crap sight or worse I’ll lose him in the room

Little man won’t play nice, will likely poop and throw a tantrum at something. I’m worried he’ll make a scene.

Wish me luck I guess, if I don’t bottle it. I said I’d go, and a nurse is coming for my benefit so I guess I can’t bottle it.

Loopy x

152. A kick in the teeth!

I braved it, I forced myself to go, I didn’t want to but everyone is telling me to be more sociable. I went to my friends for a cuppa, but I should have stayed at home!

It was awful from the start. My little man was extremely difficult, he roared and cried and even hit me. He exhibited all the little traits that spark my ASD fears. It was unbearable and upsetting.

I can’t go to groups with him, what if he has a meltdown down there too. I need us to stay hidden from the world. Things are just calmer in our own space. I can’t cope with the stress. I need to burn….

Loopy x

118. Toddler tantrum or sensory meltdown?

Today has been ordinary.  It was my first day at home alone with Little man and in some ways it felt like I was never away. I am thankful for ordinary today. When I (eventaully) got up, I fixed breakfast, dressed Little man, put on a washing, did the dishes, made myself a cup of tea, and basically just fell back into the realities of motherhood.

My CPN came to see me at lunchtime.  I so needed to hear a sensible voice today. It was reassuring and I’m feeling supported which is good. Someone who isn’t pushing me to hurry up and get better.  Someone who listens to me in a non judgemental manner.  I really need that right now, and it’s good to know there’s a friedly voice available on the phone if I need it.

This afternnon I took Little man to the beach.  He loved it, and I did a little too. Things took a bit of downward spiral on our way home though.  He had a full blown meltdown.  My heart raced, my body became tense and uncomfortable and my stress and anxiety came flooding back.  The problem is I don’t know if this is just a difficult toddler tantrum or a sensory meltdown.  He was walking alongside me happily and then BAM!, sits down on ground, starts roaring and is completely inconsolable.  I waited calmly; it didn’t work, I picked him up; it didn’t work, I talked to him softly; it didn’t work, I tried to usher him along; it didn’t work, I hugged him, gave him space, gave him time, but nothing worked.  Eventaully I just had to hoist him over my shoulder and carry him home screaming and flailing around. Peppa pig brought him out of it when we got home.

I really can’t cope with these.  They make me feel inadequate, stressed, annoyed at him, guilty for being annoyed at him and generally just worthless. Also he weights a flipping tonne.

We’re home now though and all is relatively calm again. He’ll hit his usual evening grump stage soon.

Loopy x.

little man

102. A big day.

Today has been somewhat sureal.  I had my usual psych review this morning and he ripped the carpet from beneath my feet! “Take overnight leave tonight and we can discharge you tomorrow”

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm no! We then agreed I would aim for discharge on Monday.  I nodded and agreed to it all but in reality it terrified me.  I was caught sobbing by one of the nurses.  We had a good chat and agreed a more palitable plan.  Being discharged will also mean that my psychology sessions with the one person I am totally comfortable talking to will cease.

I was terrified of today, because today I was going to see my son for the first time in around 4 weeks. I’m currently processing it all, and feeling a little overwhelmed.  The visit went as well as I could have reasonably expected; indeed he surpassed my expectataions and showered me with affection.  Basically my little man climbed all over me, rubbed choclate covered hands all over my clothes, dribbled half eaten chips down my chest, spilt cranberry juice down my face as he tried to feed me, smiled at me, blew kisses to me and hugged me.  Those hugs were better than any medication on this earth and reminded me of what I’m fighting for.

I was terrified I would feel no affection towards him, but I did. I was however feeling agitated when he started to become tired and grumpy.  Although it went well, I’m petrified of leaving this place. You know you’ve become institutionalised to some degree when walking back onto the ward is like coming up for air. Outside roads seem busier than before, sounds seem louder, the house feels unsafe, the tasks on my to do list feel MASSIVE and although I am ready to be discharged (i.e I have no intention right now to end my life) I’m terrified beacuse all the problems that led me to this place still exist.

I’m still visually impaired, I still hate how I look, I still think my son deserves a better mother, I still worry about my work and commuting and all our finances.  We still have no close family support, I still see the “blue face” when I’m overthinking, I still have a partner who could do much better in supporting me with stuff, and to top it all off I have the worry that my son has ASD.

My head is racing and I want to burn.  I won’t tonight though.  I’ve set that challenge for myselft to resist the urge.

One step at a time loopy!!! Go speak to someone in here whilst you have the chance.

Loopy x.

101. Little Man

Today only one thing is occupying my thoughts; My little man.  I’m going to see him tomorrow for the first time in around 4 weeks and I should be feeling excited but my heart is filled with dread.

What kind of mother fears seeing her own child?  I’m worried that he won’t come to me, that he’ll have forgotten me or worst still that I won’t be able to tolerate his company. This is the first time seeing him, since my family reaffirmed my ASD suspicions.  My mother had his hair cut in a style I do not like and he has changed so much since I last saw him.

He’s a proper little heart breaker though; blond hair, chubby cheeks and a cheeky little face. How do I stop myself looking for symptoms and just enjoy the company of my beatiful little boy?

How will I cope if he has one of those tantrums that he often threw on our commute to work?

I’m consumed with guilt for abandoning him this past few weeks and for not missing him this past few days.

Tomorrow is a big day.

Loopy x.

98. A Power Boost, a rave and the comedown.

So I did get to the gym today and it did boost my mood.  It’s amazing how well that works for me at times. The problem I guess is that it’s not sustained for more than a couple of hours.  I’ve noticed that my mood rhythm has switched and now I tend to crash more in the evenings (it used to be the morning).

It’s been an odd afternoon in here but I brought smiles to some of the other ladies by bringing out my laptop and taking song requests.  They even danced in the garden which was nice to see, particularly after the stressful few days we’ve had on this ward.

It’s now nearly midnight though and my head is racing.  It’s flooded with thoughts of little man, and work, and what to do for the best.  I’m going to see little man for the first time in weeks on Thursday and instead of being excited, I’m nervous.  I’m worried that all those thoughts of resentment and frustration towards him will come flooding back.  I do miss him now, but I’ve missed him before and when he came to visit, I couldn’t stand more than 45 minutes with him.  That sounds absolutely horrid doesn’t it.  I’m also worried that his little idiosyncrasies will be all that I can focus on, and that seeing him will upset me.

I also now stink of smoke from standing out with the other ladies.  I can’t stand the stench of cigarette smoke, and my clothes are now drenched in it.

I hope sleep finds me tonight.

Loopy x.

93. World crumbling around me.

I only thought life was hard before I came in here.  I’m now terrified of the life I face when I get out.  I emailed Little mans nursery today with a list of probing questions regarding my ASD suspicions and the responses were not in our favour. Why the fuck did they not mention it to me!!!!!

I’m so scared of our future now.  I’m terrified and in all honesty I want to jump in front of the nearest train.  I can’t now though.  I need to fight.  I need to get on track so that I can fight tooth and nail to ensure little man is properly assessed and supported.

I just need to fight…………How the hell do I keep going.

Loopy x.