Hello all, I’m back. I took a bit of a blogging break for a while there. I read somewhere that we’re all basically big gooey organ filled, high thinking batteries and sooooo…..we should drop the things that drain us and keep those thing that charge us back up
My last blog was a while ago. I found myself drained doing them. Almost like sitting in an actual therapy session but without the support. I have started to miss blogging though.
So I’m back!!
Today I was able to face time little man. It’s the first time I’ve seen him in about 3 weeks. He seems to be doing ok which is good, but mum guilt has certainly kicked in. I’ve abandoned him again.
Family have once more raised concerns about his social skills. I really wish they wouldn’t. Now is not the time.
I do worry about him. I do still think he shows ASD traits and it’s a fact that he is speech delayed, but I can’t face that right now.
There are some huge changes ahead. Changes that will hopefully make little man’s upbringing better. The problem is, I’m not good with change. I’m flipping constantly between hope and suicidal despair. It’s exhausting.
Back on the ward now, and I’ve burned.
Being at home has reignited my fears for little man. It’s hard to watch him getting stressed whilst my niece and nephews fuss and flock around him.
He is only 2, but everyone agrees that he cries more than an average toddler. He cries for no apparent reason. He cries when there’s noise and when he transitions from one activity to another. He’s still walking on his toes, although not all the time.
He has come on a lot this past few months in many ways. He shows me affection and plays with me and OH but there is just something about him that niggles at me, and makes me fear for his future.
My family are ncredibly loud though and actually they stress me out too.
I’ve had enough of being at home now, but I’ve got a week to go yet. I need to burn.
I braved it, I forced myself to go, I didn’t want to but everyone is telling me to be more sociable. I went to my friends for a cuppa, but I should have stayed at home!
It was awful from the start. My little man was extremely difficult, he roared and cried and even hit me. He exhibited all the little traits that spark my ASD fears. It was unbearable and upsetting.
I can’t go to groups with him, what if he has a meltdown down there too. I need us to stay hidden from the world. Things are just calmer in our own space. I can’t cope with the stress. I need to burn….
I only thought life was hard before I came in here. I’m now terrified of the life I face when I get out. I emailed Little mans nursery today with a list of probing questions regarding my ASD suspicions and the responses were not in our favour. Why the fuck did they not mention it to me!!!!!
I’m so scared of our future now. I’m terrified and in all honesty I want to jump in front of the nearest train. I can’t now though. I need to fight. I need to get on track so that I can fight tooth and nail to ensure little man is properly assessed and supported.
I just need to fight…………How the hell do I keep going.
Today I’m freaking out. I blogged yesterday about my hidden concerns that my little man is showing signs of autism. Last night I questioned family specifically on the topic as they are looking after him right now. My sister reaffirmed my suspicions. They’ve also identified little ideosyncracies in him.
I am shaking as I write this. My head is completely overwhelmed again. On top of everything else going on in my life at the moment this is just alot to add. It has now become my main worry.
Could this expalin our difficulty bonding? Should I have spotted this sooner????
I need to ring our health visitor asap.
I stated the day exhausted and hungover but mood wise I was pretty o.k. However this past few hours I’ve been spiralling downwards. I don’t really know why. I’m feeling the need to self harm and I don’t really know why. I feel like I need to cry but I’m unable to.
I’ve been thinking alot about little man today, and something my mother said this morning; “he’s not walking on his toes anymore”. I hadn’t noticed he’d been walking on his toes. Had he really? I’ve been worrying on and off this past few months that he’s been showing signs of autism and now this comment has sent my head into a whirlwind. What if I’ve missed something really important, and not asked him to be checked out sooner. I’ll have to grill family this evening on what he’s saying and doing etc. I’m worried now. He’s been saying words and then not saying them, but then I haven’t seen him in weeks and when I was at home, let’s be honest he’s been in nursery all day. I’m an absent, terrible mother.
I hope I’m wrong about this.
I’ll choose a different metaphor today. It’s happened again, that nails on a blackboard feeling that cuts through me. Sitting in the dining room for morning community meeting. E chattering away, others making tea and shuffling their feet. Staff talking about what’s going to be on today……… just a million different noises torturing my senses. I got so tense and uneasy. I left. It’s more unbearable when my head is busy anyway and today my head is busy.
The logistics of looking after little man are becoming tricky. My mum spoke with me last night about what excuses we could use to explain him being at home for a few weeks. They’re all ashamed off me. Right now I need to burn. Right now I want to give up and die. I hate myself today……………..
Lets give the art room a go instead shall we.