473. I’m absent anyway.

My boys love me, but they don’t need me. The heartiest of laughs is usually heard when I’m not in the room, but listening from afar. OH does the dressing, feeding, bathing etc 90% of the time anyway. I don’t contribute fairly. I’m useless.

It’s funny how a few fleeting thoughts can become an obsession. What drugs do I have? How much do I need? When should I take them? It plays over and over and over relentlessly.

My head is a frigging wreck.

Loopy x

458. When family come to visit.

My family came to visit us today. Mum, Dad, my sister and her 3 children. It was nice seeing them but………

Here’s an insight into why I’m ^damaged^

I bring out shortbread to go with their cups off tea. Mum looks at the packet, turns to me and says; “aw, sure they’re not Scottish*. 1st disapproval off the day.

Later the kiddos had lunch and chocolate cake. The floor a mess, I take out our broom. Mum takes it, sweeps one stroke; “you think you’d buy a decent brush’ 2nd disapproval of the day.

A little while later I give my sister the grand tour. As she’s coming down the stairs she remarks “oh I love your Garland. Mum quickly pipes up; ^sure there’s not even any lights on it!”

There we have it folks, the trifecta. I could go on with the negative gripes that spewed today, but I can’t be arsed. Sometimes I’m accused of black and white thinking, but honestly folks if she had muttered even just the slightest off positive remarks, I’d shout it from the friggin tree tops! Not my Mum, not now, not ever.

It was still nice seeing them all though. I can manage a day, just about

Loopy x

442. A lot to take in.

I’m almost too tired to blog. Today has been a rollercoaster.

Little man started preschool, we had a meeting with our health visitor and then to top it off we had a social services assessment with my new care co-ordinatior from the CMHT team in tow. Oh yes another new fecking care co-ordinator! I’d only met my latest one for the first time yesterday to then be immediately told, ‘oh you’ll have someone different from tomorrow.’ I nearly walked out the door right then..

I’ll never have them back, and I need to let them go, but oh my god, I miss L and C. The ladies who co-ordinated my care before we moved home to fix our lives. FFS Loopy, move on, it’s been more than a year!!

The lady from SS was lovely to be fair but jeepers it was quite in depth. She arrived and 3.30 and wasn’t gone til near 6.

Now we have the age old question to think about, by Monday. ‘What would help you?’

I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Loopy x

423. Why do I do it to myself.

I’ve been struggling. In truth I’m stressed with work,and when I’m stressed, I quickly lose my ability to cope.

OH is working a long day, so it’s just been me and little man. I found it hard to cope. I shoved my eyepad before his eye as much as I could. I avoided him, I grew frustrated with him, and in turn he grew whiney, and clingy.

Its not his fault, it’s mine. So this evening I’ve given in to temptation, I’ve done what I needed to do, to get me through today.

It hurts now. Why do I do this to myself.

Loopy x

410. It was hard but ……

we made it………

I had little man all day, whilst Daddy went to work.  Our first real time together since I’ve come out off hospital.

It was a difficult day, but also one I’m proud off.  I shed some tears, almost called the ward for help, almost called granny to say I couldn’t cope, but then the emotional wave passed and I perserveered.

My conclusion though is that my main issue is 100% untreated postnatal depression and recovery from that needs to be my main focus.

The meds will not solve anything and the self esteem issues and self hatred will hopefully ease if I can just get the right help. 

I hope little man had no idea.  I hope I’m not damaging him.  I hope he knows that i do Iove him and i hope I can beat this.

Loopy x

400

I started this blog around 2 years ago, when I was first sectioned and subsequently admitted to a psych hospital. 

I can’t believe it’s post 400, but worse I can’t believe I’m writing this from my bed on a different psych ward.

My mood is low today.  My future hopes are well not exactly hopeful.

I’ve not seen little man in weeks (damn covid 19).  What I have seen thought is that little man and OH do well without me. 
They’ve moved back into granny’s for a bit. That’s where they belong. 
Little man deserves a happy home, and all the love and care and support that I can’t offer him.

I love you little man, but you deserve so much more.
This drug addicted, self destructive, self centred mum is no good for you.

I’m not leaving you buddy, I’m freeing you…

Loopy x

389. Back on a ward.

I met with the crisis team yesterday, and it all escalated very quickly.  I’ve been hospitalised, and I’m feeling rather pathetic. I’m worried about losing my job,losing control, losing my family, losing it all.

There’s not much to say really. this is my 3rd stint. The ward is small, mixed and I guess comfortable enough.

The staff seem very nice, but it will take me time to settle.  I don’t want to be here long. 

I can’t believe I’m back here again.

Loopy x

384. “My want in”

Those 3 little words bellowed continuously through the bathroom door.  The handle squeeked and juddered as tiny hands kept twisting it.  Toddlers are relentless!!!! Actually is he even classed as a toddler anymore?  He’s 3, and a sturdy build at that.

I’d already locked it. 
“Just go away, please please just go away.” 

Fingers sticky with strands of stretchy saliva, eyes reds and puffy, and my stomach contracting, as hard as I could muster.  It’s getting harder to throw up now.  My gag reflex has almost gone completely, but I’ve not been to the gym today, and I can’t afford to absorb the calories and fat from those delicious hot dogs (OH lovingly prepared), that I ravenously consumed earlier.

I’m sorry little man.  I’m sorry I can’t do better.  I’m sorry for ignoring you and for wishing you’d go away.  I’m sorry I’m such a crap mum.

Loopy x.

369. Dear family….

DISCLAIMER… Sorry readers, this ones rather sweary…..

Dear Family, Shut the fuck up, and fuck the fuck off!!!!!!!!!

My mental state is deeply routed in the constant judgement, and opinions that I’m subjected to.

“Oh he’s definitely autistic, sure you know what’s he’s like….. Why are you being so defensive!… you need to get him assessed.  You know he’s going to need support.  Sure he’s so odd.  There’s definitely something wrong with him.” .. Thanks for that dear sister, now fuck off….

“Sure you know there’s nothing wrong with him… Sure how would he not be odd, sure you and Daddy are odd a fuck.  Do ya know what he needs, a good slap once in a while. Sure he’s spoiled!! Yas have him ruined”…… Thanks for that dear mother, now fuck off!!!!

“Oh I’m not sure about that school, they’re very small. If he needs any help sure it’ll take years. Our J sent his children to HF. It’s a great wee school. You should apply there…..Thanks for that dear mother in law, now fuck off!!!!!!!

All I want, even just once, is for someone to tell me; “actually you’re doing a good job”  “he’s a credit to you both”

Not in my family….
Loopy x

363. Secondary services.

Today my GP insisted on a referral to secondary services The services that I’m already under the care off. It was a little bizarre, but an hour later I was called by my CPN.

The service here is rather crap. I used to have weekly appointments, a very kind ear on the phone and someone with whom I felt comfortable confiding in. God I miss C! (and L for that matter). I’d give anything to hear their reassuring voices again. They really cared, or at least it felt like they did.

Now I’m in a system that doesn’t seem to care I’m struggling, but I don’t think I’ll get much help here.

Back to work on Monday and I’m dreading it, but maybe it will help.

Loopy x