486. A night off meds.

I’m home, I’m coping (outwardly anyway) and my little man has completely showered me with hugs and kisses and spontaneous outburst of; “my love you mammy”. Little man has been frigging wonderful, a true tonic for my sadness and doubts. His bond is real, and strong and full of love. I must be doing something right after all…

Baba though, oh you little bugger!! I have to say the growing bump, the regular scans and the family excitement is finally bringing me a little joy. Some hope, some excitement and dare I say it, some confidence.

The sickness though, jeez will it ever go away.? O.k it has lessened but last night I projectile vomited just before bed. Unfortunately that included my nighttime meds. Wow what a massive impact that had! I couldn’t sleep and when I did dose I’d immediately wake up with terrors. Very random, very scary dreams. Even OH confirmed I’d been swearing. As for my mood, it plummeted, and has stayed very low all day. I’ve been in bed, I’ve been crying and for the first time since leaving hospital, I’ve felt suicidal.

How scary is that? How can one missed dose of nighttime meds have such a devastating impact or was it just coincidence? Whatever, I’m glad this day is done.

To end on a positive note, I had a frigging excellent psychologist in hospital and his work has stuck with me, more than any other. I can hear him (not I) challenging my negative thoughts or at least prompting me to. To be honest I kinda wish I had recorded him :), but anyway….

Loopy be proud, you got up today, dressed and fed little man, showered him with love and walked him to school. You really really wanted to self harm, but you fought it and resisted, and finally you rang a friend to check how she keeping (even though she didn’t answer), and you know you’ll ring again.

Little steps Loopy, little steps…..

Loopy x

460. Happy New Year

I know for many that this year has been really tough. I know that loneliness and isolation have taken there toll.

I’m thankful though, for Covid Not for the illness or for lives tragically lost . I’m thankful for the opportunities it gave me. I’m thankful for my extra time with little man. Time that strengthened our relationship and bond. Time that built my confidence with him.

I’m thankful for the working from home. It enabled me to cope, to function just enough to fulfill my role. No commuting pressure, shorter days, and the ability to just hide away.

As I ring in 2021, I’m lying here with my little man beside me. I love him, and he loves me.

Don’t be scared off 2021 loopy, just be thankful.

Happy new year everybody. Stay safe and if you can, just for a moment, be thankful.

Loopy x

451. A new venture.

This one is only open to residents of the uk and Ireland.

I’ve started a competitions website. At the moment most ppl think it’s a scam, which off course it is not.

Getting traffic is a nightmare, and ticket sales are low. But these things take time and patience.

Anyone interested visit http://www.clovercomps.com

From there you can find our Facebook page. Give us a follow to keep up to date with what’s on offer.

Loopy x

437. E.C.T

Today I indulged in some shock therapy. D.I.Y style!! I swear the longer I work from home, the more brain cells I am losing.

My drill broke, and suspecting that there may be some dust in the cable end, I took it upon myself the suck the dust free.

Next time loopy, UNPLUG IT FROM THE MAINS!!!

On the bright side, I’ve spent most of the evening, chuckling to myself, at my stupidity. Who know’s, maybe E.C.T would work on me. 😉

Loopy x

436. Football!!!

And not that oul soccer shite. Proper football!! Gaelic football!!! ;0 (Ok I do like soccer too)

I made an effort. I found a club and made enquiries. Tonight despite all my anxiety and fear, I forced myself to go!!!  The original “Beautiful Game”

I’m glad I did. Ok I was probably the most geriatric there! (@34) I lacked kicking accuracy and down right sprinting pace but fuck it, I gave it guts and had some fun.

The next training session is Friday, and I’ll be there!

Good job Loopy!!

Loopy x

Loopy x

414.Work probation.

I’ve only gone and done it!! I’ve passed my probation period at work and have been confirmed in post despite my recent absence.

I’m in shock, I’m thankful and oh my god, I’m so relieved. Apparently I’ve proven I can do the job, and I’ve hit all my probation objectives.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My boss knows of my llness (depression) and gave the green light anyway. I could seriously hug him!

Be proud today loopy, and you know what, go on buy that new bike you want.

Loopy x

368. Big Monster Coming!!!

Little man is currently obsessed with 2 things; transformers and monsters.

Every evening when I get home from work, I’m taken by the hand, dragged upstairs and I’m instructed to RUN!; “RUN MAMMY…RUN…BIG MONSTER COMING!!!

Little man pulls off all manner of robot like moves as he frantically fights and shoots at this terrible thing, protecting Mammy at all costs, whilst barking instructions!

40 minutes later, exhausted and even sweaty, I gaze into my little man’s eyes, kiss him on the forehead, and tuck him in tightly, knowing in my heart, that despite our struggles and upheavel; My little man is my greatest achievement, and he deserves all the effort and love I can muster.

The nieghbours must think we’re bonkers, but i dont care. I love you little man……

Loopy x

345. The love of a toddler.

Nothing comes close. When my little man runs towards me, shouting Teeeeeee! and flings his arms around me, I feel euphoric!!! I’m still struggling with things but the progress me and little man have made, is unbelievable.

This little guy, is my greatest achievement. He is beautiful and funny and growing into one heck of a little character. I love him, and he loves me too. We’ve come so far this past year, and we have so much more to look forward to.

I regret those days I didn’t like him very much. I regret feeling like he hated me. I regret trying to leave him. How could I possibly do that to him? I’m sorry little man, but I’m getting there.

Today you smashed a cup, smeared choclate over cushions, peed on the bathroom floor, spilt milk all over the tiles, tossed blocks everywhere, bashed my laptop keys and screen, persisted with thr destruction that only a toddler boy can muster…. but I don’t care.

You are my world, you are all that really matters. You are my “Hah wah!”

I love you buddy.

Teeeeeeee

340. An unanswered email, update

In my previous post, I’d feared an email to my previous CPN had been missed, or worse; ignored. I was (as usual) a little quick to judge.

I should have known C wouldn’t let me down. Today I recieved a mail, that has made my week. It was an email full of warmth and encouragement. It was an email that in truth has made me miss her a little bit more, but it’s one that I will treasure.

It’s a mail that I will no doubt read from time to time when I need cheeing up. It means alot to me.

Loopy x

329. Handbags!!!!

I’m not a girly girl. You’re more likely to find me kicking a ball, wrestling MMA style with OH, or playing with little man’s toy trucks……but tonight?????

OH my word, I’m searching frantically for bags!! Tote bags, small bags, printy bags; kipling, Michael kors, Burberry and every high street I can think off.

My new job is awakening my inner diva!!!

Day 1 is fast approaching and I must strutt in with style……

Loopy x