Today has been fantastic. The sun was out, little man was in good form, and a dear friend came to visit.
For the first time in quite a while, I felt…. . I felt normal. I was in control of household chores, in control of little man, and in control of my emotions. There were no inexplicable outbursts today, no desires to burn and no little voice in my head telling me I’m awful.
To see my friend, who is doing so well, was great. We played with little man, walked on the beach and basked in our freedom.
I need to remember today. I need to hold on to this good feeling and remind myself when dark clouds ascend; that I am capable off normal, I am capable of laughing and smiling with a friend. I am capable of finding joy whilst dancing with my 2 y.ear old.
Tonight I shall begin prep for a lecture I’m due to give on Friday Tonight it doesn’t feel so daunting.
There will be more good days Loopy. Honestly there will.
Today for the first time ever, I got to spend time with S, outside the confines of a hospital visiting area. Today was the first time, we both basked in freedom, drank mochas and laughed from the pit of our bellies. She has not yet been discharged, but her progress has been such that she is allowed accompanied leave. In her words; “It was boss!!”
She continues to inspire me, and although those days in a psych ward were some of my darkest, they brought me a friendship that was unexpected, and a friend who makes me stronger.
At the midpoint of my psychology journey with K, I was informed that she writes a letter to her patients at the end of therapy. I should have been given this in our last session togethar but she admitted not being in the right frame of mind to complete it, and thus it would be posted to me.
Since our ending, I have been waiting desperately for that letter, and today it arrived.
At first read, I was angry with her. It seemed to me, to be to clinical in nature, and the lecturer in me couldn’t help but get annoyed by the typos and grammatical errors. Had she rushed it? At first read I couldn’t find the optimism, kudos and words of encouragemt that I had hoped for from K. At first read, my failings, stupid behaviours and inadequicies jumped from the pages, mocking me. I almost ripped it up and threw it in the bin.
I’ve since been to the gym, and upon returning home, I’ve given it a 2nd read. The letter is indeed a truthful representation of our journey together, and under careful scrutiny it does contain some kudos.
What I’ve learned from this letter and my expectations of it; is that there were some issues around transference that we never dealt with. In short I was expecting a letter from a “friend”; but I received one from a “therapist”
I really miss K, and I suspect this feeling will last for some time yet. She was awesome. I will keep the letter and remind myself to focus on the positives contained within it.
I was due one and I guess it came today. I didn’t sleep much last night but I did wake up more upbeat than usual. Little man watching cartoons in my bed, saved me from having to rise too early.
On good days, I can play with Little man. I can find fun in wrestling and jumping on the bed. I can laugh through peek a boo, silly faces and toys flying everywhere.
On good days, I’m not filled with dread when I hear murmurs as my Little man wakes up from his day time naps. I’m not filled with rage when he knocks over my mug of tea, and I’m not filled with a desire to burn when he shouts and screams the house down.
On good days, I’m less emotional, more patient and better able to cope.
On good days, I love him and I’m a better mum. Little man deserves more good days.
“So what are you going to do today?” This is a question I guess I’ve come to expect.
Think fast Loopy!; “umm I’ll probably go to the gym after lunch”. In truth I had no intention of going to the gym today. I was going to go to bed. I don’t like lying though, so I went to the gym! I’m glad the question was posed and I’m glad I turned my lie into a truth.
It was good; bust my lungs on the rowing machine good, burned a shed load of calories good, released some happy chemicals good.
I’ve been a little hard on myself lately. I’ve hit some bumps in the road. This afternoon though, I realised I have grown. When your in the midst of life, it’s often hard to sit back and take stock of your achievements as well as failures. I’m learning to forgive myself. This afternoon I sat down and penned my latest attempt at being compassionate towards myself. Although it makes me feel a little vulnerable, I’m going to share it with you all. I was sceptical at first, but actually this is a really good exercise. It feels odd and cumbersome at first, but go on, give it a go. Don’t over think it, just put pen to paper and see what happens.
Lots of things in my life have been a struggle lately, and if I’m being completely honest; one of those things is my relationship with OH. We have our problems, that we’ve begun to recognise. I love him dearly and the gravity of what I almost did to him is hitting me hard tonight.
There is one song that I have on repeat at the moment, that is giving me strength. I want to marry this man and if he ever asks; this will be our first dance………….