415. A better place.

I don’t precisely know why, but I’m feeling better. I think my combo of meds is working.  I think the good weather is uplifting and I think I’m gaining confidence with little man. 
I need now to wean off my zopiclone and diazepam but I’ve been doing it slowly since coming home from hospital.  I’ve not self harmed in ages, and I’ve not been purging anywhere near as much as usual.

I’m just in a better place, and it feels good.  I hope I can sustain this and have more good days  

Now if I could only sort out my sleep. The meds combo is working during the day, but oh my word I’m having night terrors! and incredibly scratchy painful dry eyes.

One day at a time Loopy.  You’ll read this saying alot as it is my new mantra.

Loopy x

365. Nothing to say.

I used to find blogging cathartic but at the moment I just can’t be bothered.

It’s a familiar feeling. The stats indicate that no one is reading it anyway.

Posts would be treading over old ground. The cyclical feelings of worthlessness, ugliness and increasing hoplesness. What the hell is wrong with me?

On a side note, I’ve ordered pills. It sounded dodgy from the start. Indian voices on a crackled line have kinda prepped me for identity theft, a bank account clear out, and a package that will never arrive. If it does arrive, god knows what’s in them!! I don’t really remember placing the order, or consuming the choclate bar, whose wrapper I found on my bedside locker this morning. Life’s becoming a little hazy.

Loopy x

364, Muffin tops and camel toes.

It’s the new year and for many off us, that means RESOLUTIONS. Most of these will centre around health and fitness goals.

That can only mean one thing. Crowds of women flocking to gyms, squeezed into lycra. Don’t get me wrong, I admire their gusto. Today I sweat amongst them. But OH dear Lord!! I wish this lycra fad would end. I’m blind as a bat, but even my eyes gasped at the muffin tops and camel toes!!! I dread to think what someone with 20/20 vision would be subjected to.. Having said that, keep it up ladies, may 2020 bring you fitness and good health.

I’m starting the year at 59.15 kg. It’s a figure that does not sit well with me. I’m sporting muffin tops off my own. I feel grotesque. I can sense a working out frenzy coming. I don’t do things by half, it’s not in my black and white nature.

Let’s hope I can stay in control. Gym sessions, will at least, reduce my need to purge.

Loopy x

357. Do scales lie?

It’s official, I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. I’m honestly disgusting. When I lay on my side, I can feel a cushion of squidgy horribleness where my hip bones used to be.

I know why this has happened, a combinatiin of binging, lack of excercise and poor diet has culminated in grotesque lipid deposits, eveeywhere!!! Orlistat can’t compesate for this.

I need to hit the gym! I need to hit it now!!

Loopy x

353. A little house.

We’ve been living with my in laws since July. They are lovely people, but, we and they need some space. Yesterday we viewed a little house I’d seen, and we both loved it We get the keys this week.

I’m delighted, but I’m also apprehensive. Living with family has kept me safe. There were times I wanted to binge on pills, tie ligatures,vomit or self harm badly, but having people here, has hindered my freedom.

I’m looking forward to having space, partly because I’m looking forward to being able to indulge in those behaviours. There will be no more rushed burns before bedtime, no more apprehension about being ill, or dopey in front of others, no more silent puking. No more restrictions!!

I know this sounds messed up. But it’s how I feel.

Loopy x

341. Flumps

I love flumps. I’ve enjoyed them since childhood. Today however, flumps are proving quite troublesome. For those of you unsure, flumps are marshmallow logs, that are bloomin delicious.

I enjoy them immensely but like many sweet treats, soon after consumption, the guilt and self loathing sets in.

I’m purging again. I need to, I’m grotesque. If you’re suffering from disordered eating and purging, I have a word of warning for you…..

Flumps FLOAT!!!!!!!, making them very difficult to flush 😦

Loopy x

338. A harmless purge.

Let’s be honest. There is no such thing as a harmless purge. My scientific brain is screaming; tooth decay!! vocal chord damage!! throat sores!! bloating!! digestive problems!! bad, bad, BAD!!!

But then I look in the mirror. I see fat and buldges, and yuck! I remember all the calories I’ve binged on. I’m ugly, I’m ugly, I’m UGLY!!!!

Now my mouth is dry and sore.

Loopy x