213. Little white lies.

I couldn’t sleep, that part was true. I’m totally dependant on pills now. Audio books and zopiclone are the perfect combination, but without the zopiclone (or a prescribed alternatuve) my eyes remain open and my thoughts attack me.

“Did you do anything?” asked a caring NHS voice this morning. “No” I replied but in truth yesterday I was a little self destructive. I once again put straightening irons against my skin, until the flesh was white and leathery. The edges blistered immediately and now I’m dealing with the aftermath. I don’t really know why I did it.

In the evening myself and OH treated ourselves to a “Subway”; the chicken teriyaki on Italian herb and cheeses went down easily. Then the guilt took hold and I followed the ritual of drinking tea (to fill my gut with liquid), sneaking off to the bathroom, expelling some of the guilt, and washing my hands and around my mouth thoroughly with soap.

I don’t know why I lied this morning. I guess I felt like the truth would let him down. The truth would label me attention seeking. The truth would prove that I’m pathetic.

Loopy x.

194. The 3 B’s

Today my downward spiral continues. It’s a day that needs to end. I’ve binged, I’ve biked and I’ve burned.

I slept in, slightly comatosed from last night’s sleep aid. I rushed little man out the door to nursery, and when I arrived home, I made a cuppa and sat with my thoughts.

I wanted to leave little man at nursery indefinitely, and actually dreaded picking him up this evening. I’m no good for him, and sometimes, I think I hate him, or is it the life I now lead since his arrival?

I’ve shoved chocolate bars, cereal bars, real butter smothered scones, bananas, crisps, yogurts, sweets, and anything else edible in my possession, into my face; as if preparing for a winter hibernation.

I off course felt grotesque, and this feeling forced me to go and pump some pedals. Upon returning home I binged some more, fueling further disgust.

Two fingers down my throat expelled some off this disgust, and straightening irons held firmly against my arm expelled some more, and brought me temporary calm.

Now though, with some hours remaining before bedtime, my arm is in agony, my jaws are crying out for more junk food and my legs, (already fatigued from overdoing things lately) are jittery as my head is telling me, I need to pedal some more.

Loopy x

188. I can’t sit still.

I’m back in my living room, and I’m on edge. I’ve eaten too much today, gained too much weight over Christmas and every thought in my head is screaming, “get off your ass, you fat ugly b##ch!!

OH is telling me to chill and start tomorrow. I can’t wait until tomorrow, I have to go out now!

Uuuuuugggghhhhhh

Loopy x

181. A purging replacement.

I’ve been struggling with food lately. I’ve been binging, feeling disgusting and vomiting. I was waking up in the morning with sore throats and let’s be honest, it will destroy my teeth.

My meds have helped a little I think, in that I’m binging a little less (when I do eat though it’s junk) and I’ve tried to replace vomiting with exercise.

I’ve just done a 16 km bike ride. When I’m out on my bike I’m not eating and I’m burning calories. I feel the need though to go further and further each night. I feel fat and disgusting if I don’t go. It’s becoming a bit of an addiction, but then I guess it’s better than vomuting?

I really really REALLY wish I could kick my ball again.

Loopy x

157. Initiating self destruct sequence.

Everyone should just give up on me. I’m wasting everyone’s time. Today my biggest achievement was having a shower and braving the park with little man. We left once the little louts on bikes arrived. It’s pathetic really that it took a kind voice to persuade me.

I wish the world would just swallow me up. I’ve binged, I’ve burned and I’ve cried. I wish OH and little man would go away for a while, so that I could…………..

Maybe I just need sleep.

Loopy x

153. There’s magic in a cuddle.

I’ve regressed this past few days. My little man is testing me, and I’m failing. Yesterday was an all too familiar story. I binged, I burned and I cried a little.

This morning I had no energy. Little man tipped his blocks and toys all over the floor for the 100th time. He screeched looking for drinks and food and attention. He used me as his climbing frame and then suddenly, he slapped me in the face.

I snapped!! Rage consumed me, I grabbed him quickly, swept him up into my arms, and I CUDDLED him.

There was magic in that cuddle. The stress and angst and anger flowed from my body, to be replaced with love and warmth, and kindness. I guess motherly instinct made me do it, and I’m thankful for that. We then played with puzzles, wrestled and enjoyed each other’s company. He’s napping now.

I’m trying to hit my reset button. I’m going to do some progressive muscle relaxation and have a shower.

Loopy x

140. A Compassionate Letter.

For this weeks psychology homework, I’ve been tasked with writing a compassionate letter to myself. The last time I sat and wrote a hand written letter was when I penned my suicide note on August 3rd.  That in itself made this feel a little difficult.

I did give it a go, but I found this really tough.  The perfectionist in me wanted to plan it out, write it logically with good flow and appropriate paragraghs, but the advice given on the homework sheet was to just let it flow.  I’m not a let it flow kind of person. I feel like I’ve failed at this although I guess it will just take practice.  When I’ve written one I’m happy with I will share it with you all. I have a psychology session tomorrow and I’m not sure I’m even comfortable sharing it with her.

I ended the letter with “you need to stop binging”.  I’m struggling with food at the moment.  Even though I’m hitting the gym regularly the numbers on the scale keep rising.  I hate my fat disugusting body, which paradoxically makes me binge………….and then I purge…. I’m at a loss here. It must be the meds, and I can’t stop those. I really don’t know how to control this.

Loopy x.