Tag: body dysmorphia

386. Sheffield eating disorder booklet.

It bugs me that they’ve literally just printed off a booklet from another health trust, and they’ve not even attempted to adapt it, or personalise it.  I get that it might be a useful tool, but it feels like an after thought, something printed randomly from the web.  Plagiarised!!!!!!

Putting that aside, I will complete it.  I will attempt to log my feelings, eating habits and use of not so good weight control measures.  I will try.

It’s all so blah!!!!! But at least I guess, it’s a start at helping me.

Loopy x

381. I want to….

I want to call a helpline,
but I don’t know what to say.
I need someone to talk to, to get me through this day. 
My son is shouting, Mammy!.. Shut up, shut up shut up!!!!!
Daddy please take him away………

I’m staring at my zopiclone, a hundred pills could stop this grey.

I NEED to call a helpline, but I just can’t find the way.

Loopy x

366. My teeth hurt

They’ve definitely yellowed, and look bad. I’m afraid to smile now. I’m so ashamed. Then add to this my new found general achiness and sensitivity.

Come on Loopy, start wising up!!you are ruining your teeth

Irregardless the urges to purge keep coming. They now sneak up on me at work, an escalation of the severity of things. It’s hard to hide the stench of puke at work.

Eating now makes my tummy bloated and sore. There’s one quick cure for that, and it works. It does reduce the discomfort and the expulsion of the calories soothes my head a little…..that is until the food cravings come again with gusto.

OH is oblivious to this particular struggle. I’m too ashamed to tell him

Loopy x

364, Muffin tops and camel toes.

It’s the new year and for many off us, that means RESOLUTIONS. Most of these will centre around health and fitness goals.

That can only mean one thing. Crowds of women flocking to gyms, squeezed into lycra. Don’t get me wrong, I admire their gusto. Today I sweat amongst them. But OH dear Lord!! I wish this lycra fad would end. I’m blind as a bat, but even my eyes gasped at the muffin tops and camel toes!!! I dread to think what someone with 20/20 vision would be subjected to.. Having said that, keep it up ladies, may 2020 bring you fitness and good health.

I’m starting the year at 59.15 kg. It’s a figure that does not sit well with me. I’m sporting muffin tops off my own. I feel grotesque. I can sense a working out frenzy coming. I don’t do things by half, it’s not in my black and white nature.

Let’s hope I can stay in control. Gym sessions, will at least, reduce my need to purge.

Loopy x

324. Wash away the sadness.

I’ve just had a shower. It’s a bad sign for sure when you start to pick up on your own “odour” I hadn’t washed in days and no one thought to prompt me.

Today, after an entire day lying and sobbing in bed, I figured “go one loopy, try a shower; it might help”. Although my mood is much the same, there is something pleasantly therapeutic about flushing days of grime down the plughole.

Today both my body and my mind failed me. Each time I tried to rise, they literally crumbled under the sheer weight of life, or at least my perception off it, and all its mysery. I felt a sadness today, that almost drove me to dangerous actions. I felt a level of hoplesness, and indeed still do, that I believe will be my undoing. I want to die. I want to end all these turbulent thoughts once and for all, but I want to do it in such a way, that won’t hurt anyone….

Impossible right? I’m stuck.

I have come to a decision though. If my job offer (a massive part of my identity and sense of “self”) is indeed resinded, I shall kill myself and I shall do it right. .

It will hurt both OH and little man, but ultimately me not being around, would be much better for both of them.

Loopy x

148. Reset, Reboot and Go.

Today was about getting back on track.  I’ve had a troubled few days, but I’ve hit the reset button, and am ready to start looking after myself again.

I visited a friend today.  I talked in an earlier blog about the temporary friends you make when you’re in a psych hospital, but I failed to mention that I also made a keeper. I visited her today. Chatting with her helped me to gain some perspective. I can recognise disordered thinking in others.  It’s as glaringly obvious as a bright sun in clear blue skies. This friend of mine, is someone who has no idea how beautiful she is both inside and out, and unfortunately it’s slowly destroying her. Someone made a comment to her today; “you’re looking really well.” My friend gave me an insight into the hell that is body dysmorphia, because this well meaning comment equated to “You’ve gained weight” By the time I saw her at lunchtime, she’d done 60,000 steps. I wish I could help her, but I can’t.  I also need to tread a little carefully as I have a habit of taking on other peoples baggage.

Seeing her though has made me thankful that I’m out, and made me determined to work a little harder on finding the right path to better mental health.

I’ve just come back from the gym and it has made me feel good this evening. Now if only I could stop my mirtazapine…………

Loopy x.