What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
They’ve touched more than a few nerves this evening. I’ve had to turn my camera off. I’ve had a bad day with food, and talk off addictions etc has left me craving zopiclone. I need to burn I think.
They’re a nice bunch of people, but I cannot speak. I cannot contribute. I cannot cope tonight.
What the fuck is wrong with you Loopy?
What I will say though, is that I don’t have an eating disorder. Probably mildly disordered eating.
I’m back at the eating disorder course this week. Posting now at the interval.
We just watched a video of someone’s story. I felt really bad for the girl but then she talked about hearing Jesus and finding faith. It has turned me right off the course. I don’t mean to offend anyone, and if that’s truely her story fine, but why oh why do all these courses bring up *faith* in some guise or another.
She did finish with 3 top tips.
1. Have a friend. A friend with full honesty. Someone you can talk too.
2. Fill life with other things.
3. Learn to look after yourself. Be kind to yourself.
These are good tips in fairness. On point 1 I’ve failed. Far far too ashamed to share this wi;th anyone remotely close. On point 2 I’m not great either. When I bring in other things it’s gets obsessive and often detrimental. 3, oh how many times in community and hospital settings have I heard those words. I wish it were so simple.
Now feeling awkward and uneasy I’m scoffing down a caramel tartlet. How can I write off these calories?
Loopy x
I’ve tried recently to temporarily give up tea. The reason being, I’m currently bleaching my teeth. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. But oh my word!! This is actually harder than ditching the zopiclone!!
I love tea….. Cup after cup after cup. I drink it when I’m stressed, when I’m happy, when I’m sad and when I’m cold. I drink it all the friggin time. I took a days break from the tooth bleaching routine, just so I could indulge in a few cups. My teeth ain’t getting any whiter. But if a glamorous smile, means giving up tea, fuck it. I’d rather spend the rest of my days, smiling gums closed, with a big mug of tannin filled steamy goodness in my grasp.
In other news, I ate my body weights worth in Maltesers today. MALTESERS!! The supposedly “lighter way to enjoy chocolate”
Maybe not, when you eat bag after bags worth. I broke out the Orlistat days ago…..
Fat, lazy, brown toothed mess!!!
Loopy x
I’m a lecturer in case you’ve not been a long time follower. I’m a socially anxious, highly self conscious, paranoid being, but I took up this profession when my confidence was high. It’s odd really, walking into the room, I’ll feel a thousand eyes on me, my body will be trembling, and then I’ll do my little routine. Log in to the pc, take a sip off water as I stroll around my “stage” all non chalant. I’ll gaze at the crowd as if I’m counting them, but I’m not really.
Then boom; “ok folks we’ll make a start” it’s my usual opener, and something odd happens. My work persona kicks in and I act my ass off. I act confident and knowledgeable, I act professional and calm. I’ll field questions with a smile and speak happily with those odd few who always stay behind to probe further. I’ll get through it, and once done, I’ll take a huge breath and steady myself, for real this time. A cup of tea will be needed.
Tomorrow’s a short module intro talk, but I’ve not been in front off a crowd like this since March. Tonight I’m feeling grotesquely fat, ugly all over, and paranoid they’ll quickly realise I’m a mess. Time to hit the gym hard again. Time to up my Orlistat.
Thank goodness most of my teaching this year is remote. Just get through tomorrow loopy.
Let’s get some sleep, 15mg tonight I think, you’ve an early star
Loopy x
He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.
I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.
Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.
Just go to bed!!
Loopy x
I started this blog around 2 years ago, when I was first sectioned and subsequently admitted to a psych hospital.
I can’t believe it’s post 400, but worse I can’t believe I’m writing this from my bed on a different psych ward.
My mood is low today. My future hopes are well not exactly hopeful.
I’ve not seen little man in weeks (damn covid 19). What I have seen thought is that little man and OH do well without me.
They’ve moved back into granny’s for a bit. That’s where they belong.
Little man deserves a happy home, and all the love and care and support that I can’t offer him.
I love you little man, but you deserve so much more.
This drug addicted, self destructive, self centred mum is no good for you.
I’m not leaving you buddy, I’m freeing you…
Loopy x
I tried, but i fell short. This evening I locked my bathroom door, tied pj bottoms around the shower curtain rail, and threw some knots around my neck. I’d almost got it perfect.
But then the cavalry arrived.
I though I’d have more time. Checks here are scarse at best. Now my clothes have been removed and cupboards cleared. I’ll try again, I’m sure of it.
I’ve come to the very sad realisation that it’s not OH and little man who’d be better off without me. It’s me, it’s me, it’s me who needs to go. I can’t continue any longer pretending to be smashing life when in fact it’s crushing me….
That little voice in my head, “run fatty run, puke fatty puke, burn ugly burn, your a failure, your a waste of space, you difficult and selfish and horrid. Die damn it, do us all a favour and die!!!
Loopy x
“You dont want to be losing that nice figure now, when you do have it”
“You don’t want to be piling that weight back on”
Seriously!!!! Why the hell do I answer my phone…
I’ve already thrown up lunch today. It was too starchy (baked potato). I’m feeling dehydrated and I’m tired.
On the bright side, I’ve finally seen a psychologist. It’s a start I guess.
Loopy x
Those 3 little words bellowed continuously through the bathroom door. The handle squeeked and juddered as tiny hands kept twisting it. Toddlers are relentless!!!! Actually is he even classed as a toddler anymore? He’s 3, and a sturdy build at that.
I’d already locked it.
“Just go away, please please just go away.”
Fingers sticky with strands of stretchy saliva, eyes reds and puffy, and my stomach contracting, as hard as I could muster. It’s getting harder to throw up now. My gag reflex has almost gone completely, but I’ve not been to the gym today, and I can’t afford to absorb the calories and fat from those delicious hot dogs (OH lovingly prepared), that I ravenously consumed earlier.
I’m sorry little man. I’m sorry I can’t do better. I’m sorry for ignoring you and for wishing you’d go away. I’m sorry I’m such a crap mum.
Loopy x.
I must appreciate my son more.
I must love him, cherish him and protect him.
I must stop dreading our time together.
I must try harder.
I must create a summer studentship project.
I must create new module content.
I must create a scholarly research project.
I must publish.
I must try harder.
I must stop buying pills.
I must stop abusing zopicline.
I must stop purging.
I must drink more water.
I must stop self harming.
I must try harder.
I must call my best friend more.
I must arrange to see her.
I must make more of an effort with OH and our families
I must try harder.
I must stop procrastinating.
I must be more productive.
I must set goals and achieve them.
I must try harder.
I must appreciate my life more.
I must stop dwelling on the negatives.
I must stop being a pessimist.
I must stop hating myself.
I must try harder.
I must accept my crappy eyesight, and ignore the constant stares from strangers
I must accept my life.
I must stop feeling overwhelmed.
I must stop planning my suicide.
I must lose weight.
I must stop wanting to quit it all.
I must get my shit together!!!!!!!
I can’t………………..
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 