On days like this, I want to stay in bed. I want to avoid the world and be alone. I blog on bad days.
Here’s the thing though. I’ve had more good days lately, than bad. I should be writing about those.
This past week I’ve been reducing my zopiclone and diazepam usage. I’ve been playing with and loving little man. I’ve been productive work wise, and have even 99% landed an external examiner post. I’ve been on my bike, I’ve been cuddling with OH. I’ve been having argument free chats with dearest sister. I’ve been puking less and no self harm. I’ve been doing well.
The reality here is that, to some extent COVID lockdown is giving me breathing space, a chance to bond, a chance to reset.
Today was a bad day, but the week has been good.
Focus on the good!!!
we made it………
I had little man all day, whilst Daddy went to work. Our first real time together since I’ve come out off hospital.
It was a difficult day, but also one I’m proud off. I shed some tears, almost called the ward for help, almost called granny to say I couldn’t cope, but then the emotional wave passed and I perserveered.
My conclusion though is that my main issue is 100% untreated postnatal depression and recovery from that needs to be my main focus.
The meds will not solve anything and the self esteem issues and self hatred will hopefully ease if I can just get the right help.
I hope little man had no idea. I hope I’m not damaging him. I hope he knows that i do Iove him and i hope I can beat this.
I’m out on leave from the hospital, and our plan was to see how it goes for a few days before bringing little man home from granny’s
I’ve been low all day. I’ve been a little weepy and lost for things to do. I’ve contemplated downing drugs and other means.
What surprised me though, is that my heart ached for little man. I practically begged OH to trust me, and bring him home.
At granny’s my little hero leaped out the front door, sprinted shoeless across pebbles and tarmac, and flung his arms around me. We squeezed each other tightly and both faught back little tears.
Our relationship is a little complicated, and I need help with that but……
Little man is home where he belongs! and I must must MUST not let him down or abandon him again.
I figured out a way and it felt good. My arm is a mess but it feels good. Where the hell is the logic in that? I want to scald again.
Lorazepam on tap and more quietiapine. I believe the term “medical managment” was used Today.
So drug me till I’m stable and then what? Hoist me back to my reality. I’m not fixable. I’m incapable of change and I’m a waste of resources. Oh and did I mention how much fun level one obs are!!
Fuck sake just do it loopy, you coward.
OH and little man are doing great without me. I think that’s the way it should be. They’d be happier without me. I’m a horrible influence on their lives. I’m a horrible person.
I can’t be good for them. I can’t be what I need to be. I’m sorry.
I started this blog around 2 years ago, when I was first sectioned and subsequently admitted to a psych hospital.
I can’t believe it’s post 400, but worse I can’t believe I’m writing this from my bed on a different psych ward.
My mood is low today. My future hopes are well not exactly hopeful.
I’ve not seen little man in weeks (damn covid 19). What I have seen thought is that little man and OH do well without me.
They’ve moved back into granny’s for a bit. That’s where they belong.
Little man deserves a happy home, and all the love and care and support that I can’t offer him.
I love you little man, but you deserve so much more.
This drug addicted, self destructive, self centred mum is no good for you.
I’m not leaving you buddy, I’m freeing you…
I could only see him over whatsapp. Bloody corona virus!!!
I’ve felt sad all day, but I’m not sure what it truly stems from.
Is it that I’m missing little man today, or is it that saying goodbye on WhatsApp brought me some refeif.
He kissed the phone and smiled at me, but he was also rather distracted by the telly. I was not top off his interests.
Why would I be? I suck!