We’ve been living with my in laws since July. They are lovely people, but, we and they need some space. Yesterday we viewed a little house I’d seen, and we both loved it We get the keys this week.
I’m delighted, but I’m also apprehensive. Living with family has kept me safe. There were times I wanted to binge on pills, tie ligatures,vomit or self harm badly, but having people here, has hindered my freedom.
I’m looking forward to having space, partly because I’m looking forward to being able to indulge in those behaviours. There will be no more rushed burns before bedtime, no more apprehension about being ill, or dopey in front of others, no more silent puking. No more restrictions!!
I know this sounds messed up. But it’s how I feel.
This is it Loopy. You have to perform, you have to impress, YOU HAVE TO SMASH IT!!
We have a school review and various curriculum reviews coming up at work. I used to know people in charge of making these things a success. Now as Senior Lecturer, I am that person.
I need to prepare paperwork, I need to know our courses inside out, and when put before the interrogation panels, in a few weeks, I need to impress!
My head is screaming run away!! My head is screaming; ‘you will fail!!”
I’m not good enough. I’m stressed and scared. My prospects, my career and passing my probation depend on this.
I want to burn. I want to down some zopiclone, and I want to hide.
Come in Loopy, you CAN do this!!!
Talking about your zopiclone addiction with a GP is never easy. Trying to do it over the phone in a busy bus station, certainly made it tougher. I wish they’d called me earlier.
So this week my CPN called my GP to discuss my reliance on sleeping pills. He promptly suggested 7.5mg for 1 week and then 3.75mg for a week, then stop. She agreed, not knowing my current usage. She agreed, having no real clue, what’s going on with me. I pretty promptly had to call them direct.
Hence the akward phonecall. A lovely GP called me, and we agreed a more realustuc plan. But she insisted I come in, whuch has been arranged for next week, with a not so lovely GP. I’m dreading it.
For now, Im getting 7.5mg and 3.75ng daily, dispensed every 2 days.
The change in regulations, governing online pharmacies in the UK is a good thing. But my addicted brain, is screaming at me to find a drug dealer. I’m not ready to taper off. I’m not ready to give them up.
You can have phenergen. I don’t want phenergen, I NEED zopiclone.
Regulations around the dispensing of z drugs and hypotics, have clearly tigtened up. i may have had a hand in this, previously having written to the GPhC and ministers.
Sites that allowed frequent orders and large quantitoes with few questiins asked, are now siddenly out of stock, under review, or worse; offering me phenergen imstead.
My logical brain is sayong this is a good thing, but my desperate addicted braon is panicking. I’m screwed!!!
My GP provides me with 3.75 mg daily, which I top up to around 12 or 15mg. I cannot sleep without it. I cannot cope without it. I cannot live without it.
Last night suicide beckoned. It sold me it’s delights. What should I do?
I’m desperate to talk to L or C, but I can’t.
Stop it loopy, you love your little boy. He needs you.
I was unbelieveably tired this morning. I got up at my usual, 5.45am, got ready, and caught my. bus.
I snoozed on the commute as I usually do. It’s not proper sleep, it’s more like drifting in and out of consciousness aftet a few too many boozy beverages.
At my destination, I was still drained, but somehow managed to carry my heavily weighted limbs for the 25 min walk to my office. Once I arrived though, I was done. Physically and emotionally exhausted. I could barely stand, barely hold my head straight, so I did something quite odd.
I locked my door, climbed under my desk, lay on the floor and snoozed. Around 45 minutes later I awoke to the sound of colleagues chatting down the corridor. I was now just slightly more awake, and able to face the day.
I’ve never done that before, but in sheer desperation I just had to lie down.
I’m struggling folks, but no one’s noticing.
Today I turned 34 and it was actually a really nice day for me. OH surprised me this morning with a cooked brekkie. Then my mum and sister came up to take me out for lunch.
I recieved gifts that I was not expecting, I’ve had multiple well wishes on facebook and whatsapp and just now I noticed a voicemail from my dad, wishing me happy birthday.
Today I’m feeling loved, and thought off and wanted. Today I’m appreciating the people in my life and I’m thanking my stars, that I’m still alive. I’ve achieved alot in my 34 years, and sometimes I forget that.
Right now I’m marking student essays, but hey, you can’t have it all. 🙂
I’d bought a costume. I had good intentions, but then OH was working, and I get home quite late. I don’t drive, and grandparents never thought to offer.
Little man didn’t get to be a pirate. He didn’t get to binge on goodies, see fireworks or help daddy carve a pumpkin.
I feel really bad. I feel disappointed for him, and for myself.
Maybe next year. I must do better.