431. Loopy’s Lodge

It’s taking shape. I’ve never in my life built anything from wood, so despite the somewhat wonky roof, I’m rather proud of this. I’ve been at it all day today. It’s kept me focused on something, and is proving to be a great distraction.

I need all the distractions I can get. I had my psychology assessment this week. They rang me back quickly after, saying that I needed 1 to 1 therapy. Here’s the kicker though… the waiting list is apparently 9 months from now.

I’ve been home a year. All my notes and treatment reccomdations came with me. Yet I wasn’t actually referred until about 4 weeks ago. I’m seriously considering launching an official complaint. No wonder suicide is so devastatingly common here……………………

Just keep building loopy!

Loopy x

430. A busy week

This week my niece (9) and nephew (5) are up staying with us. What have I let myself in for!! In truth, they are very good kids, well mannered and great with little man. But the noise, oh my god the noise!!! They are most definitely the loudest kids in Ireland!!!

Noise is something myself, OH and little man struggle with. Especially little man, who often holds his hands over his ears. I’m still concerned about him, to be honest. He’s very very sensitive to noise and I swear he has OCD. Can a child off 3, have OCD?

In other news, I’ve been building… Base frame and 1 wall frame done, with other timbers cut ready for assembly. I’m actually really enjoying this carpentry malarkey. Who knows, I may quit academia and live the quiet life, building crap out off wood, and selling it at a loss (proper stuff is quite expensive)

Finally, I have my psychology assessment tomorrow. I’ve no idea where to start or what my priorities are. I’m hoping it’s quite a structured chat. I’m nervous. What if they say; ‘you’re not suitable?”

I’m terrified off lockdown easing, I’m scared little man is damaged, I’m self harming, using diazepam in excess at night, abusing Orlistat and generally, I’m just messed up.

Where should we start………

Loopy x

429. A project

I need a hobby. Pretty much every mental health professional has asked me; “what do you enjoy doing?” I pause, searching my brain for an answer, and then I blurt out; ‘”cycling”

It’s not a lie, I do enjoy cycling, but it sometimes gets aggressive, compulsive and a little destructive really, as it occasionally morphs into an essential fat burning mission. If you’ve been following I’ve now completed 140km of my 580km cycle challenge..

Cycling is good, but often, even whilst riding, my mind wanders to darker places. I’m not good a focusing on the here and now. Focusing on my surroundings, or I guess just being mindful. So…………

I need a hobby. One that requires concentration on the task at hand. I’m a Tom boy, and always have been. Growing up, myself and my cousin had toolkits, hammers and saw’s and we would venture off to build dens, cut big branches and occasionally slice our fingers!! We were about 6 or 7 at the time…

Something I’ve wanted for a while now, is a decent outdoor playhouse for little man. I reckon I can build it. Whooaaaa Loopy, baby steps!!!

We’ve amassed tools over the years and as my father is a carpenter by trade, I’ve made sure to buy ‘proper tools’

I took a delivery of timber today, and I’ve gathered up some bits and bobs. I’m going to start with a dog kennel

Wish me luck………

Loopy x

Ps the ruler is actually pretty cool. If you’re into crafts and cutting stuff with Stanley knives, this has a finger guard to stop you accidentally chopping your fingers off!!!Got it off amazon; “safety cutting ruler” 😉

427. Psychology!!!!!!!!

I’m in shock. I thought it would never come but almost a year now, living back home and finally, I’ve received a psychology assessment appointment. July 8th over the phone.

Is it weird that I was almost excited, reading the letter.

Let’s hope this is the start of something that will ultimately be positive. I do worry a little that I’ll feel worse first.

Loopy x

423. Why do I do it to myself.

I’ve been struggling. In truth I’m stressed with work,and when I’m stressed, I quickly lose my ability to cope.

OH is working a long day, so it’s just been me and little man. I found it hard to cope. I shoved my eyepad before his eye as much as I could. I avoided him, I grew frustrated with him, and in turn he grew whiney, and clingy.

Its not his fault, it’s mine. So this evening I’ve given in to temptation, I’ve done what I needed to do, to get me through today.

It hurts now. Why do I do this to myself.

Loopy x

421. A lung buster!!

I’m back on the roads, pumping pedals as hard as I can and sweating buckets!!!
I did probably 18 miles today in scorching heat.

I got stuck behind two ladies kitted in lycra and obviously road bike fanatics, and I must admit I felt a little smug being able to keep up with them.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m competitive, often to my own detriment, so let’s face it I wasn’t going to let them get out of sight!! But nonetheless it boosted my endorphins.

I know this routine by now, June, July I’ll be energised, I’ll cycle, I’ll cope and I’ll improve and then come August BLAM!!! I’ll start to crash. 

It’s a pattern, one that  I’ve never really discussed but one that is ingrained by now.

So while this lasts I’ll enjoy the little mood boosts, and continue to cycle harder and faster.

Oh by the way, I’m nearly off the zopiclone.  I’ve gone it alone (I had to!!, there’s no help here!!) and Im coping.  3.75mg / night.  This is the lowest dose I’ve been on in nearly 2 years. 

Oddly, lockdown is suiting me, I’m liking hiding away, not seeing ppl, not showering (gross I know) and lounging in football tops. I’m scared of coming out of it

Come on Loopy, keep your head up!!

Loopy x

419. Red in the face..Literally!!

What happens when you mix glorious sunshine, with quietiapine and albinism??
Lobster Loopy, that’s what   I went for a bike ride today, but stupidly forgot to apply my factor 50.  I’m growing redder by the minute.

The worst part is scorching the backs of my hands as any movement at all stretches and pulls at the skin.

34 odd years with albinism and a few years on quietiapine, you think I’d know better.

On a side note, I’m really really really missing C and L today. I had my first phone contact with my new care coordinator this afternoon.  They prefer the term key workers over here.  I think it’s because the title of care co-ordinator could be taken up with trading standards!!! They coordinate f$%k all. 

To quote directly I was told” it’s not like I’ll be ringing you every week, I’ll review you in a month”

Can please please PLEASE have L or C again……

Loopy x

418. The black dog.

He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.

I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.

Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.

Just go to bed!!

Loopy x

413. The best medicine.

I’m a mum, I’m a good mum, no actually I’m a great mum!!! I need to be kinder to myself. 

COVID had been horrendous for many reasons but for me the isolation and lockdown with my beautiful, funny, cheeky, boisterous little man, has shown me I can do this.  I love him and he loves me too. 

Just take each day as it comes and tackle one thing at a time.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Loopy x

410. It was hard but ……

we made it………

I had little man all day, whilst Daddy went to work.  Our first real time together since I’ve come out off hospital.

It was a difficult day, but also one I’m proud off.  I shed some tears, almost called the ward for help, almost called granny to say I couldn’t cope, but then the emotional wave passed and I perserveered.

My conclusion though is that my main issue is 100% untreated postnatal depression and recovery from that needs to be my main focus.

The meds will not solve anything and the self esteem issues and self hatred will hopefully ease if I can just get the right help. 

I hope little man had no idea.  I hope I’m not damaging him.  I hope he knows that i do Iove him and i hope I can beat this.

Loopy x