510. A relapse

Doughnuts, choclate, liquorice allsorts, mini gems, and 3 cans of coke! I just couldn’t stop!

I suppose ive been restricting my diet for quite long now, and I’ve finally caved, in spectacular fashion. I feel gross.

Stomach huge, and my throat is raw. Its quite a low point forcefully purging behind a locked toilet door, whilst your 6 year old gleefully converses with you about minecraft from the other side. I’m a quiet purger, a skill I’ve mastered well, but the shame is awful. The regret, the disguist, the anger at myself for caving.

I actually want to cry Damn it!!

Loopy x

502. 500,000 steps.

I’m desperate to lose weight. I needed a challenge to motivate me. Black and white thinking is a bitch.

Go hard or go home! I signed up Great Ormund Street hospitals 500,000 steps in November to raise some money for the great work they do.

I’ve just had a baby! Everything is stretched and sore but yeah OK loopy walk 10k a day, that’s no bother!!! Need to hit at least 16,666 every day.

Day 3 and my numbers are good. I’m already becoming a bit obsessed with it. I really need to lose weight.

Now that baby’s out, I’m throwing up again. Not lots, but enough I hope.

Loopy x

391. Night time feasts.

Last night after meds, I shovelled choclate and crisps into my gob. Previous meals, dinner and a supper scone had been purged, but damn it, I couldn’t throw up after meds as I wouldn’t sleep.

I feel utterly disgusted with myself and I’m desperate to burn.

I keep doing this; the nightime feasts. I wake up with wrappers on my bedside table, some of which I remember and some that I don’t.


Loopy x

376. Structuraly sound

Today I had a long overdue check up at the dentist. I’ve been worried about the effects of purging on my teeth.

I’ve always hated my teeth, often masking them with a closed lip smile or hand over my face.

I’ll be honest folks, I have what Americans might call “British teeth” They’re all a bit wonky, and many shades away from pearlescent white, but for now at least they are structuraly sound.

No damage, no signs of decay and not much tartar. “You’re teeth are fine Loopy” Colgate pro sensitive will apparently sort out the sensitivity I have on my lower right incisors, but apart from that, just keep doing what you’re doing.

I have been mindful of my teeth with every purge. I’ve made sure not to brush them for a while after, and I always rinse my mouth immediately with water (sometimes even alkaline soap). I’ll also sometimes rub in toothpaste on my teeth and gums, to boost flouride and I always use an electric toothbrush, which is. oh my god, honestly, far superior to manual brushing.

It’s a little weight off my shoulders for now, but I really must stay on top of this, as my little dance with bullimia has many steps to go.

Loopy x

366. My teeth hurt

They’ve definitely yellowed, and look bad. I’m afraid to smile now. I’m so ashamed. Then add to this my new found general achiness and sensitivity.

Come on Loopy, start wising up!!you are ruining your teeth

Irregardless the urges to purge keep coming. They now sneak up on me at work, an escalation of the severity of things. It’s hard to hide the stench of puke at work.

Eating now makes my tummy bloated and sore. There’s one quick cure for that, and it works. It does reduce the discomfort and the expulsion of the calories soothes my head a little…..that is until the food cravings come again with gusto.

OH is oblivious to this particular struggle. I’m too ashamed to tell him

Loopy x