Tag: confidence

460. Happy New Year

I know for many that this year has been really tough. I know that loneliness and isolation have taken there toll.

I’m thankful though, for Covid Not for the illness or for lives tragically lost . I’m thankful for the opportunities it gave me. I’m thankful for my extra time with little man. Time that strengthened our relationship and bond. Time that built my confidence with him.

I’m thankful for the working from home. It enabled me to cope, to function just enough to fulfill my role. No commuting pressure, shorter days, and the ability to just hide away.

As I ring in 2021, I’m lying here with my little man beside me. I love him, and he loves me.

Don’t be scared off 2021 loopy, just be thankful.

Happy new year everybody. Stay safe and if you can, just for a moment, be thankful.

Loopy x

446. Face to face again.

I’m a lecturer in case you’ve not been a long time follower. I’m a socially anxious, highly self conscious, paranoid being, but I took up this profession when my confidence was high. It’s odd really, walking into the room, I’ll feel a thousand eyes on me, my body will be trembling, and then I’ll do my little routine. Log in to the pc, take a sip off water as I stroll around my “stage” all non chalant. I’ll gaze at the crowd as if I’m counting them, but I’m not really.

Then boom; “ok folks we’ll make a start” it’s my usual opener, and something odd happens. My work persona kicks in and I act my ass off. I act confident and knowledgeable, I act professional and calm. I’ll field questions with a smile and speak happily with those odd few who always stay behind to probe further. I’ll get through it, and once done, I’ll take a huge breath and steady myself, for real this time. A cup of tea will be needed.

Tomorrow’s a short module intro talk, but I’ve not been in front off a crowd like this since March. Tonight I’m feeling grotesquely fat, ugly all over, and paranoid they’ll quickly realise I’m a mess. Time to hit the gym hard again. Time to up my Orlistat.

Thank goodness most of my teaching this year is remote. Just get through tomorrow loopy.

Let’s get some sleep, 15mg tonight I think, you’ve an early star

Loopy x

443. I eat……

Because I’m hungry, and then I puke because I’m fat, then I eat because I’m hungry and then I puke because I’m fat…..

Realistically, how long can a person keep doing this?

Loopy x

413. The best medicine.

I’m a mum, I’m a good mum, no actually I’m a great mum!!! I need to be kinder to myself. 

COVID had been horrendous for many reasons but for me the isolation and lockdown with my beautiful, funny, cheeky, boisterous little man, has shown me I can do this.  I love him and he loves me too. 

Just take each day as it comes and tackle one thing at a time.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Loopy x

371. A brainwave.

I have a PhD but I’m clearly not very smart. I’ve been lecturing now for around 6 years, and in those years my poor eyesight has induced high levels of stress and sleepless nights.

I teach biomedical science, which by it’s very nature is reliant on many complicated diagrams depicting complex pathways and molecular processes.  The poor eyesight has been an issue, because I often can’t see the diagram I’m explaining.  Lecture theatre screens just aren’t that big!! (You may disagree)

I have therefore spent hours memorizing the orientation and specific location of items on the diagram so that I could confidently explain it.

Yesterday a light bulb went off in my head.  Lecture capture and screen capture technology has been around for years now. 

Loopy, you dumbass!!!, just make a recording of your explanations of the diagram in your office, with your large screen and huge notes.  Then embed it into your PowerPoint.

It’ll save you hours of stress and will actually help your students with their revision.

Flashback Pro 5, you are the best £60 I’ve spent in quite some time….

Loopy x

368. Big Monster Coming!!!

Little man is currently obsessed with 2 things; transformers and monsters.

Every evening when I get home from work, I’m taken by the hand, dragged upstairs and I’m instructed to RUN!; “RUN MAMMY…RUN…BIG MONSTER COMING!!!

Little man pulls off all manner of robot like moves as he frantically fights and shoots at this terrible thing, protecting Mammy at all costs, whilst barking instructions!

40 minutes later, exhausted and even sweaty, I gaze into my little man’s eyes, kiss him on the forehead, and tuck him in tightly, knowing in my heart, that despite our struggles and upheavel; My little man is my greatest achievement, and he deserves all the effort and love I can muster.

The nieghbours must think we’re bonkers, but i dont care. I love you little man……

Loopy x

358. Wearing many hats.

I’m actually a little proud of myself. This week, was a big one at work. We had panel meetings and curriculum scrutiny, and through it all I remained calm, somewhat competent and dare I say: confident.

I was pulled in as course co-ordinator, module co-ordinator, learning and teaching committee member, disability advisor and all round jack of all trades.

Today was the final day of term, AND I SURVIVED!! This morning I marked presentations, sorted exams, and then spent the afternoon laughing, joking and Christmas quizzing with my wonderful new colleagues. I’m now slightly tipsy on mulled wine, but I don’t think that’s the sole cause of my optimism.

Well done Loopy, seriously well done!!

Loopy x

354. A pleasure to read.

I’m a luttle snowed under with marking at the moment. I have a stack of 2nd year essays, on everyhing from platelet biology, to cervical smeara, to organ and tissue prep for pathology. Basically, its heavy reading.

I get a whole spectrum of work, ranging from “how on earth did you make it this far” to ” oh my god, you write better than most professors”

Marking, as a task, is much like the turbulence of BPD. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out! Long, undulatung, non sensical paragrahs, devoid of punctuation, literally suck the life out of me, and force me to question my life choices.

Fatigue, despair, and hoplessness grab hold and then, just like magic I find a diamond in the rough! A piece of work, that jumps out at mje, that leads me on a journey of discovery and wonder. A piece of work that’s tantilising, eliquent and most importantly, PROPERLY REFERENCED!

In an education sector, where we are systematically removing the space for natural flare, the space for innovatuon and self driven excellance, through the assessment coaching, through transparency of marking rubrics and criteria, and through business driven hand holding, its great to draw the battle lines with a simple scientific essay. Most will fade into insignificance, and few will emerge as heros!

Well done student J!You’ve listened, you’ve learned and you’ve inspired me to fight on, and to lecture another day.

Loooy x

335. You can’t grow…….

“You can’t grow confidence in your comfort zone”

I read this somewhere, and by chance tested the theory today. Those of you following will know I’m in a new job. Senior Lecturer at a pretty good university. Teaching our undergrads began this week.

I’m not too bad at presentations. I’m visually impaired so often I can’t actually see all the points I’m talking about. The benefit is that I never just read off slides. The downside is that I need a little more time to prep.

Today however, I had 2 hours to throw together a presentation on “How to give a presentation” to final year biomedical science students. It was dumped on me completely out of the blue and last minute.

This was definetly out off my comfort zone. I must admit though that my current cocktail of meds curtailed successfully any anxiety or fear that unmedicated me would normally feel.

This was my first solo presentation in my new role, to 100 final years, and you know what? It went absolutely fine.

It was indeed a confidence booster.

Loopy x

321. Am I so repulsive?

We don’t sleep together much, OH and I. It’s a combination of his low libido and my new found depression induced self hatred and lack of confidence.

I bring it up occasionally, and last Thursday night during pillow talk, I suggested that tonight (saturday) we’d have some scheduled sexy time. The only caveat was that he must make the moves. He agreed.

Tonight we’ve gone to bed a little early. He’s climbed in, turned his back to me and is now spark out. It’s an all too familiar story. It’s one that crushes me every time.

Am I so ugly and undesirable? Am I really that repulsive???

I shall just knock myself out instead.

Loopy x