430. A busy week

This week my niece (9) and nephew (5) are up staying with us. What have I let myself in for!! In truth, they are very good kids, well mannered and great with little man. But the noise, oh my god the noise!!! They are most definitely the loudest kids in Ireland!!!

Noise is something myself, OH and little man struggle with. Especially little man, who often holds his hands over his ears. I’m still concerned about him, to be honest. He’s very very sensitive to noise and I swear he has OCD. Can a child off 3, have OCD?

In other news, I’ve been building… Base frame and 1 wall frame done, with other timbers cut ready for assembly. I’m actually really enjoying this carpentry malarkey. Who knows, I may quit academia and live the quiet life, building crap out off wood, and selling it at a loss (proper stuff is quite expensive)

Finally, I have my psychology assessment tomorrow. I’ve no idea where to start or what my priorities are. I’m hoping it’s quite a structured chat. I’m nervous. What if they say; ‘you’re not suitable?”

I’m terrified off lockdown easing, I’m scared little man is damaged, I’m self harming, using diazepam in excess at night, abusing Orlistat and generally, I’m just messed up.

Where should we start………

Loopy x

401. A burn

I figured out a way and it felt good.  My arm is a mess but it feels good.  Where the hell is the logic in that? I want to scald again.

Lorazepam on tap and more quietiapine.  I believe the term “medical managment” was used Today.

So drug me till I’m stable and then what? Hoist me back to my reality. I’m not fixable. I’m incapable of change and I’m a waste of resources.  Oh and did I mention how much fun level one obs are!!

Fuck sake just do it loopy, you coward.

OH and little man are doing great without me.  I think that’s the way it should be. They’d be happier without me.  I’m a horrible influence on their lives.  I’m a horrible person.

I can’t be good for them. I can’t be what I need to be. I’m sorry. 


Loopy x

373. Ringing in my ears.

The thing is, I don’t know if it’s real, or imagined. Is there actually a little high pitched tone emanating from something in the room, or is it all in my head?

It’s troubling my right ear.  It’s unsettling. I’ve had this sensation before, but tonight it feels a little louder than usual.

Loopy x

321. Am I so repulsive?

We don’t sleep together much, OH and I. It’s a combination of his low libido and my new found depression induced self hatred and lack of confidence.

I bring it up occasionally, and last Thursday night during pillow talk, I suggested that tonight (saturday) we’d have some scheduled sexy time. The only caveat was that he must make the moves. He agreed.

Tonight we’ve gone to bed a little early. He’s climbed in, turned his back to me and is now spark out. It’s an all too familiar story. It’s one that crushes me every time.

Am I so ugly and undesirable? Am I really that repulsive???

I shall just knock myself out instead.

Loopy x

288. Little man.

The last time I saw my little man in the flesh, was as I waved goodbye to him at the psych hospital door. It has been 11 weeks and although I’ve face timed him, I’m not sure how he will receive me tomorrow.

I can’t wait to hug him, and tell him that I love him, but I’m also terrified that our bond is irreparably broken.

I feel like I abandoned him (again). I feel like he was happy during my absence and thus would be better off without unstable me in his life. I feel so much guilt, for almost leaving him permanently during my last dumb overdose. I really could have died, and yet sitting here now waiting for what tomorrow will bring, I’m craving sleeping pills, or self harm, or………. something to stop my racing head. I need better coping mechanisms. I need help.

My little man deserves a better mum. I hope, with all my heart that I can be just that…….

What if I fail again?

Loopy x.

271. Here comes the freight train!!

Today we discussed my impending discharge from the hospital. Today, all my problems have come crashing in. The next few months will see huge changes, some of which I feel rail roaded into.

My life is out of my control. My thoughts are racing, my leg still tapping like a flipping Morse code operator during WWII, and I can’t face it.

I can’t face it!!!!

Help!!! or at least just give me some frigging PRN!!!

Loopy x

258. Propranolol.

I was shocked to be honest, when I picked up my new meds. I saw a psychiatrist today, and whilst increasing my venlafaxine, she added propranolol. Why was I shocked? I now have boxes of the stuff, over a grams worth. A potentially lethal dose.

I asked her how to stop the zopiclone. Her response; go cold turkey!! She won’t prescribe me more than 5 days worth at 7 mg. Which is really two days worth given my recent consumption. The goal posts have moved. My regular psych was more understanding on this front. My CPN has even said, maybe now is not the time. Do they not share notes?

My current cocktail is;

Venlafaxine 150mg am, 75mg pm. Quietiapine 100mg am, 200 mg pm. Mirtazapine 45mg pm. Propranolol 20 mg am and 20 pm.

I also have a little stash of zopicline, all prescribed, but not yet touched.

It’s too many pills. I wish someone would mind them for me. I’m too impulsive right now.

OH and little man are home. OH is working tomorrow. I have a day of house viewings (potential buyers) and a toddler caught in the grips of the terrible two’s.

Loopy x

256. It’s all in my head?

Today, I phoned for my blood test results. I had a full work up. The voice on the line said; “yes they’re all normal”

I don’t understand. I don’t believe her. I want to see the numbers and rhe the eeferenxe ranges. I don’t know how this is possible. I was sure they’d indicate some physcal deficiency. I’d hoped for it. Something we could “treat” to make me feel better.

Most people would be thrilled to get the all clear. I’m devastated.

I don’t understand…….

Is it all in my head?

Loopy x

241. My thoughts were elsewhere.

I left work an hour early. I had errands to run. I needed to swing by a pharmacy (20 mins each way) , pick up my newly serviced bike, and be back in time to pick little man up from nursery.

But then…….. what a flipping Muppet, I missed my train stop! I’d gone 3 stops past before I noticed!!!!! This pretty much sums up my head off late. I’m just not functioming properly.

Now I’m home alone with a very grumpy toddler. It’s just us, this weekend. OH has had to fly home to see his Dad before a big heart op next week.

I’m not sure I’m going to cope. Physically I’m not feeling great, and mentally, I’m quite unstable.

On the bright side, my bike feels like new.

Loopy x