261. The oak.

I’m back inside, back on level 2’s, back to chaotic wards and cold toast.

I’m not where I want to be. I wish they’d move me to my old stomping ground.

I guess for now, I’ll just stay compliant.

Loopy x

260. The H word.

Life is literally crumbling around me. I have no strength or fight left.

I want to give up. I don’t want to be here anymore. My arms are raw and sore, my love for zopiclone is unsustainable, and all other interventions are failing me, and I stink!

I’ve been asked would I go into hospital. I’ve said yes. I wish C could come with me though.

There really isn’t much else to say.

Loopy x

259. I don’t like the truth.

Yesterday I was told; “everybody has worries in their life”

Today I was told “you have a lot more than some people”

Both the statements are true, but both of them stung me like a knife in the chest. Both off them felt like a personal attack. Both of them sounded just like my mum.
I wanted C today. I’m a little scared of seeing her again, after hanging up on her, but I hope we’ll be ok. I need her.

I’ve just taken my bike out. 35 minutes pumping as hard as I possibly could. I’m still a jittery, agitated mess.

The truth hurts!

Loopy x

225. Small victories.

I survived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this evening I’m feeling a little stronger.  O.K I did not pull off todays practical with a swagger, but nor did I limp helplessly through it.  There were definetly some head scratching moments as my explanations caused some students more confusion than clarity, and some of their rebutals made my head spin but ultimately I was able to remain relatively calm, relatively composed and most importantly adequatly competent to get us all through the session.  Today was the closest I’ve felt to the old work Dr. Loopy.  I was in control of 3 demonstrators and 60 odd students and it didn’t reduce me to the aticipated crumbling mess that I was after last Thursdays prac.

I am not firing on all cylinders just yet, but I have more hope today that i will get there. This evening I played with little man as OH went boxing.  I then went to the gym upon OH’s return home. About an hour of solid cardio, a quick shower and tonight I’ve spent about another hour and a half preparing for my next big test.

Friday will see me stand, once again in a lecture hall, faced with a wall of students.It’s on the cardiovascular system, pretty apt really, as my heart will certainly be thumping? Tonight i finalised the slides: tomorrow I shall finalise my script.

I’m exhausted now, time for bed.

Loopy x.