Tag: coping mechaisms

450. Neglect

I’m an awful, awful AWFUL parent. I’m not sleeping, I’m tired and I’m short tempered. Today has been hell! It started with pure child neglect on my part. Little man was coughing so couldn’t go to preschool.

He got up at his usual 7am. OH was working, and I was in bed. Little man took himself downstairs. I could hear him, as all the doors were open, but I could not muster any energy to join him. I’m not sleeping. I’ve been zopiclone free now for almost two weeks. we briefly tried temazepam, but then we switched to prazosin. It’s prescribed off label for PTSD type presentations, to supposedly aid with sleep. It does fuck all.

Anyway about half 8 I dragged myself downstairs and little man, who is only 3 (nearly 4) had made his own breakfast, poured a bowel of cornflakes, added some milk, and successfully chopped up strawberries and blueberries with a sharp knife from our kitchen drawer. To be fair the mess was minimal, the chopped up fruit were fine, and there were no severed fingers or anything.

I felt sad though, worthless, unprotective, uncaring, and neglectful. My 3 year old is more capable and self sufficient than me at the moment. He deserves better. He needs someone other than me in his life. I’m going to damage him. I’ve already damaged him.

You’d think that such a stark realisation this morning, would spur me on to do better, for the rest off the day. You’d think I’d play with him, give him love and care, but no. Today I couldn’t stand to be around him. Today every laugh, or shout or cry for attention grated on me terribly. Today I fobbed him off with good old parent iPad.

I just want him to go to bed now. I want him to shut up. I want the noise to stop!!!

I can’t face another day tomorrow.

Loopy x

446. Face to face again.

I’m a lecturer in case you’ve not been a long time follower. I’m a socially anxious, highly self conscious, paranoid being, but I took up this profession when my confidence was high. It’s odd really, walking into the room, I’ll feel a thousand eyes on me, my body will be trembling, and then I’ll do my little routine. Log in to the pc, take a sip off water as I stroll around my “stage” all non chalant. I’ll gaze at the crowd as if I’m counting them, but I’m not really.

Then boom; “ok folks we’ll make a start” it’s my usual opener, and something odd happens. My work persona kicks in and I act my ass off. I act confident and knowledgeable, I act professional and calm. I’ll field questions with a smile and speak happily with those odd few who always stay behind to probe further. I’ll get through it, and once done, I’ll take a huge breath and steady myself, for real this time. A cup of tea will be needed.

Tomorrow’s a short module intro talk, but I’ve not been in front off a crowd like this since March. Tonight I’m feeling grotesquely fat, ugly all over, and paranoid they’ll quickly realise I’m a mess. Time to hit the gym hard again. Time to up my Orlistat.

Thank goodness most of my teaching this year is remote. Just get through tomorrow loopy.

Let’s get some sleep, 15mg tonight I think, you’ve an early star

Loopy x

314. I can’t talk to you.

Would it be rude to say this to my new CPN? Would it be nasty to say it to OH?

I’m self distructing again. I know I’m losing control. I know I’m developing bad habits and dangerous behaviours. I know my mind is broken.

I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t even call any helplines as there are always people within earshot. I don’t know what to do?

Loopy x

313. Orange!!!

This one’s a bit gross………

So it’s day 4 of orlistat use. It has certainly kicked in. If you’re ever tempted to try it, or you’re prescribed it; be warned!!

If your diet contains alot of fat (like mine as it turns out), your poop will be orange!!! Not some kind off; hmmm is it brown, is it red? No it’s bright frigging orange!!!!

I’m determined to lose weight. I’ve done it before, so I can do it again. I know I shouldn’t be using orlistat, I know I should address my diet, I know there are healthier ways to do this. But right now I’m proud of thus evenings walk, this evenings cycle and dare I say it; my orange poop.

Loopy x

311. Orlistat

I’ve not yet touched the laxatives in my bedroom drawer. I want to, but my scientific brain, with its knowledge of gut physiology is arguing against me.

I’m struggling however, and the purging is becoming more frequent. I’ve settled on an alternative approach as my title suggests.

Orlistat is essentially a fat blocker that inhibits gastric and pancreatic lipases (the little suckers that break down fats into an absorbable form) thus preventing the absorption of fats. I’ve just ordered some through the usual unscrupulous online pharmacies.

The side effects (predominantly gas and oily stools) may prove intolerable. I need to lose weight though, I’m grotesque.

Loopy x

296. A pleasant day.

Today was good. Best I’ve felt in a while. We took little man on his bike to a forest which he loved and off course we got to do some “forest bathing”.

We followed this up with a trip to the local ice cream store and we all happily munched on banana and bubblegum flavoured goodness as we basked in sunshine.

Right now, I’ve just come back from a bike ride. Tonight it was not to burn calories, it was not aggressively attacked, it was purely for enjoyment….. and it worked.

I need more of these days.

Loopy x

277. My safe space.

I’ve found one spot on this ward, where I like to sit. A place that feels “safe”. I sit on the floor in the corridor by the main entrance to the ward . I encountered no issues with it at all until a few weeks ago. Out of the blue I was told;”Get up.off the floor, there are loads of seats”

That may be true but to me they are uncomfortable, socially awkward spaces that are any thing but ‘safe”

The reality of thus new rule, is that few staff have bought into it. Many have allowed me to stay put, whilst others pounce on me like a scrap yard Rottie, no sooner than my hand grazes the floor. This new rule in my opinion is largely born out of an official complaint myself and other friends lodged following an incident we viewed from my “safe space”. We can see too much sitting here, and it has frightened ward management.

I feel like a child testing boundaries, and right now I refuse to move. I have approx 1 hour left in this place, I’m freaking out and I need to feel “safe”

No I will not move.

Loopy x

272. Stop going to an empty well looking for water.

These were the words that I heard today, when talking to a doc on the ward.

She was spot on. Why do I keep seeking support and approval from people who are incapable off it.

I must look elsewhere, and accept that some people simply lack the capacity to fulfill my emotional needs.

Loopy x

270. “You’re living my dream”

That simple off the cuff comment from a fellow service user almost reduced me to tears. I felt instantly ashamed of my depression. Instantlyashamed of my inability to cope with my seemingly “perfect” life.

I’ve been told regularly in here that I have more to live for than most.

Sorry guys, I guess mental illness didn’t get the memo. It chose anyway. I didn’t realise it had set criteria.

Loopy x

261. The oak.

I’m back inside, back on level 2’s, back to chaotic wards and cold toast.

I’m not where I want to be. I wish they’d move me to my old stomping ground.

I guess for now, I’ll just stay compliant.

Loopy x