333. Fake it……..

until you make it!!! I’m experiencing imposter syndrome. How the heck did I walk into my current job. I’m coming up on two weeks, and I’m waiting. Any day now they’ll realise I’m not up to it and they’ll kick me out.

I was doing some serious foot tapping today. It’s a sign that my mind is struggling. Anxiety and self doubts are creeping in. Left unchecked they could quickly sabotage my prospects.

Come on Loopy, you can do this!! Plan a treat for yourself, you deserve it.

Loopy x

324. Wash away the sadness.

I’ve just had a shower. It’s a bad sign for sure when you start to pick up on your own “odour” I hadn’t washed in days and no one thought to prompt me.

Today, after an entire day lying and sobbing in bed, I figured “go one loopy, try a shower; it might help”. Although my mood is much the same, there is something pleasantly therapeutic about flushing days of grime down the plughole.

Today both my body and my mind failed me. Each time I tried to rise, they literally crumbled under the sheer weight of life, or at least my perception off it, and all its mysery. I felt a sadness today, that almost drove me to dangerous actions. I felt a level of hoplesness, and indeed still do, that I believe will be my undoing. I want to die. I want to end all these turbulent thoughts once and for all, but I want to do it in such a way, that won’t hurt anyone….

Impossible right? I’m stuck.

I have come to a decision though. If my job offer (a massive part of my identity and sense of “self”) is indeed resinded, I shall kill myself and I shall do it right. .

It will hurt both OH and little man, but ultimately me not being around, would be much better for both of them.

Loopy x

318. Wide awake

It’s a horrible feeling, when you crawl into bed after a looooong day, and BAM! your head hits the pillow and you’re wide awake.

My mind starts over analysing the events of the day, it worries incessantly about possible future outcomes, and tick tock, tick tock, I begin counting the minutes until I must get up again….

It’s the reason I’m craving zopiclone as I type this. I’m trying to cut back… just 3.5mg tonight…

I wish I had some help. I wish I had support. I wish I had L or C again but no, I’m alone with this. My new CMHT have pretty much abandoned me.

It’s going to be a late one 😦

Loopy x

313. Orange!!!

This one’s a bit gross………

So it’s day 4 of orlistat use. It has certainly kicked in. If you’re ever tempted to try it, or you’re prescribed it; be warned!!

If your diet contains alot of fat (like mine as it turns out), your poop will be orange!!! Not some kind off; hmmm is it brown, is it red? No it’s bright frigging orange!!!!

I’m determined to lose weight. I’ve done it before, so I can do it again. I know I shouldn’t be using orlistat, I know I should address my diet, I know there are healthier ways to do this. But right now I’m proud of thus evenings walk, this evenings cycle and dare I say it; my orange poop.

Loopy x

312. A phone reminder.

I’d forgotten, but months ago I’d set a reminder on my phone. It was a message that said; “contact L for coffee”. It would possibly have been inappropriate, but I’d have tried anyway, had I still lived in England.

Regular followers will know that L was my CPN during my first hospital admission and subsequent discharge. She was someone who excelled at her job, and someone who I truely relied on. She was awesome! Her move to a new job, hit me a little hard and took some time to adjust to. In all honesty she pops into my head from time to time, and I catch myself asking; “what would L say?”

I’d set this reminder in the hope that by the time it popped up, I’d be aceing life, I’d have found the right balance between work and family and be happily able to regail her with tails of how I’d turned my life around (whether she was actually interested or not).

Indeed I’ve made huge life changes, though their fruitfullness is yet to be realised. I’m not aceing life, and once again I’m hiding things from OH.

It’s day 3 of orlistat usage, and yesterday I discussed addiction help with my latest CPN, due to my current reliance on zopiclone. I’m also not happy with my new CMHT. Discussions are rushed, the nurse doesn’t take any notes and I keep having to repeat myself. They don’t ring when they say they will, and I’m left chasing support, with no sign of it ever coming. They honestly don’t seem to care.

I’d give anything to have L back right now. I want to message her on Facebook, but I’ll resist.

Don’t be creepy loopy…..

Loopy x

309. A lack of support.

My new CMHT seemed great initially, but it was a facade. I feel abandoned in the wilderness. I saw my nurse last Monday, an appointment that seemed rushed and we’ve not organised the next. I really miss C, and L for that matter. Both of them took the time to listen, offer guidance and just soothe me somehow, but this new team don’t appear to care.

I’m back on sleeping pills, which I can already see is a problem and today I purchased laxatives.

I spent hours talking about and advising a friend of mine on the negatives of laxatives and the harm they do. Today in the chemist however, flashing images of my fat gut and ugly shape, convinced to me purchase.

They’re currently sat next to the hidden zopiclone in my drawer. I’ve not taken any yet, but I really want to.

Come on Loopy, you know better. Don’t do it.

Loopy x

308. Job interviews.

It’s pretty much 12am and I’m just heading for bed. I’ve been preparing a PowerPoint presentation, that must be submitted by tomorrow. “How would you embed employability into the science cirriculum?. It’s for my “dream job” at a top UK Russell group uni, yet my hearts not in it. Why is my heart not in it?

I’ve completed the slides, and will send them off by the deadline tomorrow. But I really must summon some enthusiasm before the actual interview/interrogation on the 31st of this month.

I must also prepare for a phone interview this Friday at another university for a part time, working from home gig. I have no enthusiasm for that either. What the hell is wrong with me??!!

On a side note, I think I should set up a CV consultancy business. I’m very good (near 100% success) at landing interviews!!!

Loopy x