417. Black Beauty.

After passing probation and being confirmed in my job, I treated myself. 
My last bike was good, but this one??? Oh baby!!!!
When I can muster the motivation to actually drag my arse out the door and go, cycling clears my head, fills me with joy and boosts my mood.

I love it!  Now it’s time to shift all those pounds I’ve been gaining during lockdown.

Loopy x

393. Oh mother!

“You dont want to be losing that nice figure now, when you do have it”
“You don’t want to be piling that weight back on”

Seriously!!!! Why the hell do I answer my phone…

I’ve already thrown up lunch today.  It was too starchy (baked potato).  I’m feeling dehydrated and I’m tired. 

On the bright side, I’ve finally seen a psychologist.  It’s a start I guess.

Loopy x

391. Night time feasts.

Last night after meds, I shovelled choclate and crisps into my gob. Previous meals, dinner and a supper scone had been purged, but damn it, I couldn’t throw up after meds as I wouldn’t sleep.

I feel utterly disgusted with myself and I’m desperate to burn.

I keep doing this; the nightime feasts. I wake up with wrappers on my bedside table, some of which I remember and some that I don’t.

Disgusting!!

Loopy x

390. I need to run!!!

I need to run, I need to run, I NEED TO RUN!!!
I’m a ball of nervous tension.  I’m going stir crazy.  I need to run!!!

Our little yard is the size of a frigging matchbox.. I can’t sprint there.  We have a ball, but the walls are more glass than brick.  I’m desperate to kick it HARD!!! What is it we me and football’s in hospital??

I sneaked in a little burn earlier, but it didn’t work.  The waters not hot enough, and they’ve sequestered my straighteners so no joy there.

How on earth do I vent all this???

Loopy x

383. I must

I must appreciate my son more.
I must love him, cherish him and protect him.
I must stop dreading our time together.
I must try harder.

I must create a summer studentship project.
I must create new module content.
I must create a scholarly research project.
I must publish.
I must try harder.

I must stop buying pills.

I must stop abusing zopicline.

I must stop purging.
I must drink more water.
I must stop self harming.
I must try harder.

I must call my best friend more. 
I must arrange to see her.
I must make more of an effort with OH and our families
I must try harder.

I must stop procrastinating.
I must be more productive.
I must set goals and achieve them.
I must try harder.

I must appreciate my life more.
I must stop dwelling on the negatives.
I must stop being a pessimist.
I must stop hating myself.
I must try harder.

I must accept my crappy eyesight, and ignore the constant stares from strangers
I must accept my life.
I must stop feeling overwhelmed.
I must stop planning my suicide.
I must lose weight.

I must stop wanting to quit it all.
I must get my shit together!!!!!!!

I can’t………………..

Loopy x

375. The wrong meds.

At my last psych review I half heartedly agreed to change meds.  I’d slowly reduce the venlafaxine and start sertraline (keeping the quietiapine and mirtazapine).

I’d had some success with sertraline during my uni days, but then with a little time to reflect; I remembered the weight gain!!! I frantically called my CPN.  “N we can’t change the meds, I won’t take them!”

Our pharmacy, who to be honest, have been struggling to keep track of my meds off late, have now dispensed the wrong ones.  So tonight I have no quietiapine or mirtazapine.  I’m freaking out, stupidly, freaking out!!!! How will I sleep???? What will I do???

As readers you may guess the answer to that one.  I’m a wreck, and no one’s really noticed.

Loopy x

372. A gift from Mumbai.

I mentioned in a previous post that I’d ordered pills online. Since the clampdown on Uk online pharmacies selling sedatives, I’ve been becoming a little desperate.

I was expecting my account to cleared out, my identity to be stolen and that the pills would never arrive.

Today I recieved my little package. The contents perceptible by touch.  They’ve not even bothered with a box. 
I lied to my psychiatrist and CPN today.  I felt ashamed.  “Have you ordered any Loopy?” Nope, I have not……..

They’ve travelled from Mumbai to Coventry, and then Ireland.  I’m a little shocked, but now they’re calling to me; “go on, just try one”

So I have………
Loopy x