216. Bike crash!!

The cycle helmet debate is one that continues to rage. There are countless arguments for and against their usefulness.

Today, mine saved me from almost certain concussion, or worse.

You can see my elbow above took some of the force. My hip and back are in agony, and I can barely walk. I suspect I’m going to be pretty sore for a while………

Please everyone, wear a cycle helmet, and teach your kids to do so. They will not save you from an impact with a HGV, but when your back wheel gives way under a patch of ice or loose gravel, or you’re too slow to uclip your feet at traffic lights, or some ignorant driver cuts you off, forcing you into hedges or ditches and you find yourself stunned but awake lieing on a road. You’ll be thankful for that casing around your head.

Mine has now been compromised, so it’s time to go helmet shopping.

I could cry, honestly I could cry. Life keeps kicking me and I’m fed up with it.

Loopy x

176. Being reckless.

It’s pitch dark, chilly out, and I’ve just come back from a bike ride. I was asked the other day if I prefer the gym, or bike? I couldn’t really answer.

I prefer the gym for tracking calories burned, and the little competitive streak in me, thrives on turning my machines resistance up, just a notch above the guy or girl sweating beside me.

I favour the bike though, for sheer fun. 10 year old Tom boy Loopy rises from the ashes, and thrives on jumping kerbs, going flat out on hill slopes and leaning just a little to deep and fast into corners. On the odd occasions I can lose myself, and clear my mind, it’s magic.

Tonight though I’ve pushed my luck a little. I have no sense of direction, but something made me go down roads I’ve not travelled before. Something made me head for darkness and not care where I ended up. I was a little reckless and honestly lucky I found my way back.

I’ve been reckless lately, doing things I shouldn’t and holding back on the absolute truths of how I’m coping. My arms are a mess and my personal hygiene is crying out for a good scrub

Loopy x.

170. New lights.

I’ve bought some new lights, not really out of need, but out of impulse. I do that when I’m low. I browse through amazon for several items I suddenly desire, and before I know it, I’ve racked up a hundred quid.

On the bright side, my bike and clobber is illuminated like a fairground ride. No harm really; well except that I can’t financially afford these impulses.

Here’s a tip though. If I can smell your sweet blossom aroma from my bike as I whiz past you in frost bitten breezy air; No shit Sherlock!!! YOU’RE WEARING TOO MUCH PERFUME!!!.

169. Flashbacks.

I headed off at dusk, light rain in my face, a chill that called for gloves and my headlight dipped. It’s been a while since I’ve whirred a chain, and whizzed along the sea front.

It started well, but soon flashes of fiery red curly hair surrounding tear filled tired eyes, interupted the focus of my beam ahead. She was just too young to fully understand, but just old enough to know that Daddy’s never coming home.

Each wave crashing on the rocks, echoed the slapping of a deadly calm sea disturbed only by the racing of a RIB for shore. Emergency services lay in waiting, but it would be too late.

The men shouted at me to gaze forwards and watch for bouys, it wasn’t until some years later that I realised this was an attempt to save the innocence of a young girl who’d not long graduated from childhood. It was too late though, I’d seen it all.

Come on Loopy, shake it off, focus on the path ahead. Switching to full beam as darkness settled, intensified the darkness in my head. Every turning of the crank brought images off those oxygen starved blue lips and grown men fighting back tears as they pounded on a water filled chest.

I’m so sorry. I could have, and should have done more.

I love the sea………..and I hate it!!!

Loopy x.

131. A Heart Attack.

OH’s father had a heart attack this morning. There calling it mild but lets be honest there is nothing mild about a heart attack.  We’re waiting to hear results back from his angiogram.

I can’t help but feel a little to blame.  My recent expolits have put a huge strain on both our families and I know OH’s father has really worried about us.  That being said; years of Type 1 Diabetes, and more recently poorly controlled blood sugars will have taken their toll. I do wonder though if I’m the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Come on Loopy, your a scientist, you know that it would have been a myriad of factors likely including the steady build up of atherosclerotic plaques. Nonetheless stress induced high blood pressure won’t have helped.

I’ve just come back from a bike ride.  It’s dark out and I managed to get a little lost; which is common for me to be fair.  It would be fine except my bike lights low battery indicator came on, and that’s not ideal when your not sure of the quickest way home.  I really must buy a spare and carry it with me.   I didn’t really want to go this evening. I’m feeling a bit anxious and uneasy, but I munched on some sweets earlier and the guilt forced me out the door. I also needed to go and buy a toothbrush as my handsome Little man decided he would scrub our bog with mine today!!!!

I’m glad I went.

Loopy x.

126. Good days sneak up on me.

Good days kind off sneak up on me. Like the last taxi home after night clubbing; I’m pleased to see them.  Today was just that; a good day.  I don’t know why I have them or what triggers them. Little man was in good spirits today, but not without his tantrums. I took those in my stride.

I did laundry, took Little man for groceries, listened to music and caught myself humming frequently. I had a shower (2 infact) which is always a good sign. The second shower was just now after a 12 km cycle.

I’ve not been doing my psychology homweork (being compassionate towards myself) as much as I should have, but I have the will to do some now.

Tomorrow is another big step for me. It’s one that I’m anxious about.  I’m taking Little man to nursery.  I’ll have to brave the train commute and the uphill walk and the weather.  Fingers crossed, it’s another good day.

Loopy x.

 

116. Physically exhausted.

My ears are crackling, my nasal passages are inflamed, my glands are swollen and my body feels heavy and unwieldy.  My mind is fuzzy and everything aches. I’m physically exhausted.

How do you elevate your mood when your body just wants to collapse? I’ve just come back from a short night bike ride.  I really had to force myself to go. It’s the one thing though that I seem to be able to push upon myselft, and it doesn’t put much stain on my aching ankle joint.

It was eerily quiet except for a couple of anglers down along the shore front. It was just me, the sea breeze, the city skyline and my thoughts. My thoughts move a little slower when I’m pumping pedals. I’m no longer able to kick Wilson, which is proving problematic, so I need those few moments of calm that two wheels bring me.

I cried on Mum today.  She finally rang me this morning and I broke down. Nothing has really changed and I’m losing hope.  OH who promised to step up seems less motivated than ever.  I think I’ve broken him too.

We need help.

Loopy x.

bike ride 2