We’ve been living with my in laws since July. They are lovely people, but, we and they need some space. Yesterday we viewed a little house I’d seen, and we both loved it We get the keys this week.
I’m delighted, but I’m also apprehensive. Living with family has kept me safe. There were times I wanted to binge on pills, tie ligatures,vomit or self harm badly, but having people here, has hindered my freedom.
I’m looking forward to having space, partly because I’m looking forward to being able to indulge in those behaviours. There will be no more rushed burns before bedtime, no more apprehension about being ill, or dopey in front of others, no more silent puking. No more restrictions!!
I know this sounds messed up. But it’s how I feel.
It’s pitch dark, chilly out, and I’ve just come back from a bike ride. I was asked the other day if I prefer the gym, or bike? I couldn’t really answer.
I prefer the gym for tracking calories burned, and the little competitive streak in me, thrives on turning my machines resistance up, just a notch above the guy or girl sweating beside me.
I favour the bike though, for sheer fun. 10 year old Tom boy Loopy rises from the ashes, and thrives on jumping kerbs, going flat out on hill slopes and leaning just a little to deep and fast into corners. On the odd occasions I can lose myself, and clear my mind, it’s magic.
Tonight though I’ve pushed my luck a little. I have no sense of direction, but something made me go down roads I’ve not travelled before. Something made me head for darkness and not care where I ended up. I was a little reckless and honestly lucky I found my way back.
I’ve been reckless lately, doing things I shouldn’t and holding back on the absolute truths of how I’m coping. My arms are a mess and my personal hygiene is crying out for a good scrub
Some might call them intrusive thoughts, but they’re not just intrusive, they’re all consuming. I hit the gym today for respite, but even through ear blasting beats, these thoughts persisted.
Im alone now and I’m not really coping. I’ve eaten literally thousands of calories, and I’m feeling disgusting and defeated. I won’t self harm tonight as my arms still sting from previous endeavours.
There’s a little man asleep upstairs, protecting me from stupid actions.
I wish I was alone.
I’ve said this before; the UK’s online pharmacy market is dangerous. Members of the general public can with relative ease, obtain prescription medications with minimal cost. Except the cost is potentially not minimal; I almost lost my life! For vulnerable adults like myself who don’t always think rationally or clearly, this is a potentailly fatal system.
So………………… I wrote to the Prime Minister. I recieved a reply yesterday.
If you read it, you’ll probably agree with me, that I’ve been fobbed off somewhat. Tomorrow is World Mental Health Day. Tomorrow I will write to our Secretary of State for Health and Social Care; Matt Hancock, and I will raise a concern with the GPhC (General Pharmaceutical Council)