defeated – What really happens in somones head?

442. A lot to take in.

I’m almost too tired to blog. Today has been a rollercoaster.

Little man started preschool, we had a meeting with our health visitor and then to top it off we had a social services assessment with my new care co-ordinatior from the CMHT team in tow. Oh yes another new fecking care co-ordinator! I’d only met my latest one for the first time yesterday to then be immediately told, ‘oh you’ll have someone different from tomorrow.’ I nearly walked out the door right then..

I’ll never have them back, and I need to let them go, but oh my god, I miss L and C. The ladies who co-ordinated my care before we moved home to fix our lives. FFS Loopy, move on, it’s been more than a year!!

The lady from SS was lovely to be fair but jeepers it was quite in depth. She arrived and 3.30 and wasn’t gone til near 6.

Now we have the age old question to think about, by Monday. ‘What would help you?’

I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Loopy x

426. Social anxiety.

So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.

I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.

As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.

Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.

I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.

I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?

Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!

I feel an explosion coming

Loopy x

403. Getting the boot.

I’ll be flung out tomorrow
I suspect. All the nurses hate me I’m difficult and I keep trying to ligature to stop my thoughts and to end it all.

In their eyes I’m putting us all at risk off corona virus.
The staff find me, Rip the ligature off and the bolt. I’m not even asked if I’m ok, but I have now had 3 bollockings for it.

I can’t help it. All I want is to die and allow my boys to.continue their happy lives without me.

I don’t want to be albino and visually umosired anymore. I don’t want to fail at work. I don’t want to get fat. I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror and continue to hate the image staring back.

I’m a horrible, selfish person, which this world
could do without.

No one can help me and apparently “your not trying hard wbough”
I am though but I’m done

Loopy x

402. What am I doing??

I awoke today at 19.15 all confused and disiorientated. I quizzed roommates on the days activities, to learn that I had lunch and dinner and was up and about.

I have no memory of any off it. Feeling out of control, feeling detached in some way, I ligatured.

I needed too, but I.cant explain it.

I’m not recovering, I’m regressinng.
And all the staff here hate me……. I annoy them.

I need out
Loopy x

395. A 1 to 1.

This is new for me. I’ve never had such a high level of obs before.
It’s frustrating as I want to puke, I want to burn and I want to try again.. I’m getting better now, the ligatures are anchored and tight. If I could just get a little peace I can do it.
I should never have come in, I should have followed original plan.

I’m really sorry OH and little man. I do love you, but I can’t live life anymore. It’s too hard and I guess I’m too selfish.

Loopy x

392. Little man

I look at him and I can see he’s cute and funny and full of prospects, but he just doesn’t feel like my boy.
It’s like looking at someone else’s child. I feel cold towards him, resentful and angry that I’m not doing better.
I’m no good for him. He deserves so much more.

His visit today has upset me, and I’m struggling.

Loopy x

387. Monday.

I have a work thing after work on Monday. I’m staying in a hotel after.

I think it’s time now, time to put an end to all this. I think, I’m just broken and I can’t be fixed.

I’m pale and ugly and useless. I’m out off control. I’m a drug addict. I’m stressed, I’m lonely, I’m horrible to live with, I’m done.

I know OH and little man love me. I know I have friends and family who care. I know this is selfish, and devastating and cruel……….but I can’t go on like this. I need it all to stop. I need to take control…. I love them too, and god I hope they’ll be ok.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,

Monday……..

Loopy x

382. Voicemail.

It’s gone and I’m devastated. I rang voicemail this evening in the hope of hearing C. Those of you following will know that C, was my 2nd CPN. I had 2, when I lived away from home; L and C.
They were quite different in approach, but equally excellent. Some days days I miss L and some days I miss C

Today, I would give anything to hear; “hey loopy, it’s C.” She started every voicemail in the same manner, and tone. It was a clearly practiced and unwavering greeting, and when I heard it on my voicemail, I knew the cavalry had arrived. I knew someone had my back.
She was logical and caring, and honest. If C said she was going to do something, then she would do it.

I can’t believe her voicemail has been deleted. I should have saved it. I’m gutted.

It possibly sounds a little creepy, but I’m sure we can all recognise our brains ability to associate emotions with memories, experiences and sounds. C’s voice brings control, calm, support, empathy snd humour. God I wish I’d saved the voicemail!!!!

I’m absolutely falling apart. My whole journey home today was filled with thoughts of jumping in front of a car, hanging myself over the back of my office door, swallowing mounds of zopiclone….. Anything, Anything to make it stop!! I just need a moment, I need it all to just stops!!!..

I’m sick of the broken promises over here. “We’ll get you help for your eating disorder”.. “We’ve referred you to addiction services” ,”I’ll ring you back””

It’s all bullshit!! I’ve been “home” since last July. The disparity in care is shocking. We have probably the highest suicide rates in the UK, and I’m not surprised. There is no help here. There is no route to recovery, and I can’t wait any longer.

I need to talk to C……I need help. Someone, anyone, please help me

Loopy x

374. Nissan Jukes

Everytime I see one, I think of L. L was my first ever CPN, and the arrival of her juke onto my driveway always brought just a little light into those darkest days.

I will never forget the day she offered to watch little man, so I could have a shower. I was a wreck, a mess, and probably stunk. Even though I refused, I felt cared for, I felt that I mattered to someone. She often, made me feel better

I miss her terribly, more than anyone else that was involved with my care. I’ve been thinking about her all day. I have so much to tell my new CPN, but I can’t. I’d give anything to talk to L.

The crisis team stole her from me about a yeat ago, but she’d talked about re-trainong as a counsellor or therapist. I wonder where she’s working now? I wonder how she’s doing? i wonder does she still drive a juke?

I wonder would she consider relocating, to be my CPN again??????

God I miss her……..

Loopy x

369. Dear family….

DISCLAIMER… Sorry readers, this ones rather sweary…..

Dear Family, Shut the fuck up, and fuck the fuck off!!!!!!!!!

My mental state is deeply routed in the constant judgement, and opinions that I’m subjected to.

“Oh he’s definitely autistic, sure you know what’s he’s like….. Why are you being so defensive!… you need to get him assessed. You know he’s going to need support. Sure he’s so odd. There’s definitely something wrong with him.” .. Thanks for that dear sister, now fuck off….

“Sure you know there’s nothing wrong with him… Sure how would he not be odd, sure you and Daddy are odd a fuck. Do ya know what he needs, a good slap once in a while. Sure he’s spoiled!! Yas have him ruined”…… Thanks for that dear mother, now fuck off!!!!

“Oh I’m not sure about that school, they’re very small. If he needs any help sure it’ll take years. Our J sent his children to HF. It’s a great wee school. You should apply there…..Thanks for that dear mother in law, now fuck off!!!!!!!

All I want, even just once, is for someone to tell me; “actually you’re doing a good job” “he’s a credit to you both”

Not in my family….
Loopy x