323. Anxious!!

My anxiety levels are through the roof. I’ve been offered my dream job, but I fear it shall be snatched away from me.

The medical questionnaire was very in depth. If I lied too much, I could be easily caught out. I fear I’ve spilled too much. I fear the prejudices and stigma around mental health will come to the fore and rob me off my future.

I can’t bear it. Best case scenario I’m pulled into Occi Health for an assessment. Worse case……..well…………….

If I lose it now, I’ll be more than crushed.

I should have lied!!!

Loopy x

307. Our first day alone.

Today was my first day alone with little man (since our move home) as OH began his new job. Grandparents were also away, so it was a true test of my abilities.

I’m very very relieved, to report that we had fun. His tantrums didn’t rock me and his smiles and laughter filled my heart with joy.

Today was a good mood dat, and on those days I’m in control, I’m confident and I’m fun. I only wish that every day could be a good mood day.

Loopy x

300. Weepy!

I can’t stop crying…

Today we emptied our house and shipped all our stuff home before we follow on Thursday.

Right now I can’t stop crying. I’m crying because I’m still depressed. I’m crying because I’m having really strong suicidal urges and I’m crying because it doesn’t matter where we move to… my head will follow us.

I feel absolutely hopeless.

Loopy x

290. I can’t live here….

Or I just can’t live full stop…….

We’ve been home now for a couple of days. When I say home, I actually mean with OH’s parents in their house. This is where we’re moving to, in a matter of weeks, in an attempt to get more support, ease the pressure on us, and ultimately to create a better life for us all.

Here’s the problem though, I HATE IT… I don’t know how I’m going to live here. I don’t know how to feel at home, or just feel at ease.

I HATE IT. I’m desparate to get back to our own little house, where I can hide away and not have to interact with people. I’m desperate to be alone.

I’m struggling with little man, and I’m angry that OH appears to be exhausted and tired all the time. I thought his role as a prison officer was to blame, but nope it’s Little man.

Neither of us are any good at this. I’m unable to sleep again. I’m craving pills and I’m fat as all hell.

I’m done

Loopy x

288. Little man.

The last time I saw my little man in the flesh, was as I waved goodbye to him at the psych hospital door. It has been 11 weeks and although I’ve face timed him, I’m not sure how he will receive me tomorrow.

I can’t wait to hug him, and tell him that I love him, but I’m also terrified that our bond is irreparably broken.

I feel like I abandoned him (again). I feel like he was happy during my absence and thus would be better off without unstable me in his life. I feel so much guilt, for almost leaving him permanently during my last dumb overdose. I really could have died, and yet sitting here now waiting for what tomorrow will bring, I’m craving sleeping pills, or self harm, or………. something to stop my racing head. I need better coping mechanisms. I need help.

My little man deserves a better mum. I hope, with all my heart that I can be just that…….

What if I fail again?

Loopy x.

271. Here comes the freight train!!

Today we discussed my impending discharge from the hospital. Today, all my problems have come crashing in. The next few months will see huge changes, some of which I feel rail roaded into.

My life is out of my control. My thoughts are racing, my leg still tapping like a flipping Morse code operator during WWII, and I can’t face it.

I can’t face it!!!!

Help!!! or at least just give me some frigging PRN!!!

Loopy x

168. Reaching out.

It’s the hardest thing in the world to do, when you need it most. I do have numbers to call, but I can’t hit dial. I desperately need to talk, but I’m fearful of the conversation. I waited today until after 5, in the hope the answer phone would offer some soothing useful guidance, but the cold, monotone Irish (Dublin?) accent offered little comfort in ushering me to A&E. I can’t bring myself to A&E and I can’t shut down my racing thoughts.

OH and little man come home tomorrow, and I don’t want them to, nor do I want to be here when they do. I am actively scheduling activities to minimise time alone with my head, but really I’m just pissing in the wind, and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t even want to try.

Tonight I will sleep. I’ll make sure of that……….. Tomorrow? Don’t worry, I’ll still be here…….

Loopy x