252. I need L back.

My new CPN is great, honestly caring, fairly responsive and honest (Her face gives her away)

But she’s not L. L is the one person I felt at ease with most. She never judged, she was just amazingly kind and supportive in a nurturing way. She held hope for me when I could not. She’d help me find the positives, when I just couldn’t see them. And I wanted to engage, and do things well for her a little as much as me. She tried so much with me.

Now though, it’s all fucked. L has gone and I miss her sometimes intolarbly so.

Now we don’t seem to have a plan. I’ve been dumped from psychotherapy. And now my psychiatrist is leaving.

I just need L. No one comes close. But in typing I can hear say “come on what are you going to to ground yoursslf” what at you going to do that’s nice for you? She has the perfect tone and warmness in her manner. Some weeks on now and I’m not coping, and she the only person I’d give anything to see again

This system off meds are not working, pychology has dumped me and I’m feeling even more isolated and alone.

I’ve just swallowed several. Zopoclone

I’m a bit shaky but should be ok

Loopy x

244. The playlist.

Last night at the gym, I hit play on my “insane” playlist. These were the tunes that I had listened to daily whilst confined to a psych ward.

As I pumped hard on the cross trainer my mind travelled back to that place and honestly I longed to be there again. Just for a night or two, just to get a break from reality and life. Just to be surrounded with amazing support staff and nurses who care and listen, and nurture.

There are some I’d love to chat with again, some I need to tell me off, and others I just want back in my life.

I can see why people, go in and out. I can understand the desires to self harm sufficiently to be ‘re-incarcerated.” I can understand why in lieu of a proper suicide attempt, it could be tempting. It could be one more try at finding the help you need.

Just a few nights to escape, to force me to give up sleeping pills, to ban me from self harming and comfort me while I do.

Not going to happen though

Loopy x.

201. Devastated.

Today I had my last home visit from my current CPN. I just about held it together. I desperately wanted to hug her as she left, but had I done so, I would have crumbled and never let her go.

It’s another devastating blow. She’s assured me that her successor is as kind and competent as she is, but I find that hard to believe.

I’m returning to work soon and I feel like I need her. Everything is changing; new psychology refferal, back to work, and now a new CPN. When your mood swings like mine does, it’s hard to cope with changes. It’s tougher still when the person you’re losing, is excellent and irreplaceable.

I’m feeling lost this evening. I’m scared and stressed and not sure if I have the strength to keep going.

I need to take my bike out.

Loopy x

200. A smile that lifted me.

I took a lot from the time I spent on a psychiatric ward. I learned that there are amazing people in this world. I was cacooned in a place of safety and warmth (ignoring the odd erratic patient outbursts). I met people who in the face of staff shortages, shit pay, and regular abuse; gave themselves wholly to the caring of others.

They are truly inspirational, but the one who inspires me the most, was my room neighbour, football companion, confidante and the newest member off my treasured friends list.

I went to visit her today; and her smile and progress since my last visit have lifted my spirits this evening. She was moved to a different unit, and it hit her hard, but today I met a girl transformed. A girl with hope and drive to beat her demons. A girl whose battles are greater than mine, but her strength and resolve are remarkable. I’ve told her many times that 2019 will be our year!!! Chatting and laughing with her today has given me some hope, for both off us.

Come on S, we can do this!

Loopy x

177. Little Man is 2.

Today is my little mans 2nd birthday and I’m sad. I feel like he’s growing up too fast, and I’m sorry that I’ve been such a crap Mum for so much of his life so far.

I guess in the past few months though, we’ve made progress and I should be thankful for that.

My little man is everything, and I promise I’ll try to do better by him.

Loopy x

94. Insomnia

Sleep, that curer of all ailments, that is essential to sustain us; is proving far too difficult to come by these days.  I cannot sleep!.  Sometimes this can be explained away with racing thoughts, general self loathing and worrying about little man, but at other times , I’m just far too awake.  I lay there not thinking anything just staring at the ceiling.  That’s the scariest type of sleep deprivation of them all.  What on earth has happened to my circadian rhythm and how do we fix it?

I blame the quetiapine for this.

Loopy x.

84. Can’t hold myself up.

Today I’m weak, hungover and can barely stand.. Today I feel like I have no skeleton supporting me. Today I’ve cried into my pillow again and even during a check it went unnoticed.   Today I’m struggling to keep myself safe.  I wish someone would ask “Are you o.k?” and when I say “yup” know that I’m lying.  Know that I need to talk. Know that I’m screaming out for help today but no one can hear me.

Is it the higher dose of quetiapine doing this to me?

Loopy x.