503. I want to quit.

I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want the therapy. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I want to quit counselling.

She’s lovely, but I want to run. I want to hide and I want to stay silent. I can’t do it JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I’m too pathetic. Can we just stop. I need to stop!!

It feels too raw, too uncomfortable, too hard.

I’ve never really felt like this in therapy before. Is it just too much now, whilst being a new mum. Am I already spinning too many plates or am I just scared? Scared of failure at it, scared of being silently judged, scared off saying too much……or too little.

Loopy x

502. 500,000 steps.

I’m desperate to lose weight. I needed a challenge to motivate me. Black and white thinking is a bitch.

Go hard or go home! I signed up Great Ormund Street hospitals 500,000 steps in November to raise some money for the great work they do.

I’ve just had a baby! Everything is stretched and sore but yeah OK loopy walk 10k a day, that’s no bother!!! Need to hit at least 16,666 every day.

Day 3 and my numbers are good. I’m already becoming a bit obsessed with it. I really need to lose weight.

Now that baby’s out, I’m throwing up again. Not lots, but enough I hope.

Loopy x

501. Racing thoughts!

A wave of inadequacy.

Very tense, stressed, want to lash out. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!

I should have told oh, I couldn’t face him tonight.

I want to self harm. I might hurt him, what if I hurt him!

I need to pass out, I want to zone out. I can’t do this. Want sleeping pills, handful, boxful, no just 1. Settle for 1.

Why bring someone into this crap world.

He’s so small, so delicate, so vulnerable. So completely reliant on us. I’m not up to the job. But I love him. I’m so confused. Love him, hate him, love him, hate him. LOVE HIM!

I want a break! Even though oh had been doing most of it, I want a break

I’m fucking useless…..

Fat, fat fat fat fat fat!.

Ate too much, wasted my walk. Puked some. Pathetic! Need to walk more!

Need a shower, ugly ugly ugly. Why bother!

Loopy x.

499. A truck load

I’ve not really been sleeping and it was starting to reach crisis point. My psych consultant offered sleeping pills. I was shocked!

Long term followers will know that I previously battled a zopiclone addiction. I was buying it online, consuming 4,5,6,7………. pills at a time.

I was longing for addiction help, but it never came. I did it on my own. I quit. Stopped searching for them stopped buying them and to some extent stopped craving them.

The truth is you never really get completely over an addiction. You battle with it. Want to turn to it when you’re down, angry, lost and tired.

My psych offered me zopiclone. I said no. How about zolpidem? I reluctantly said yes.

The pills sat untouched on my dresser for a few nights. I was scared to take them………..then I did

I love that feeling, need that feeling, want more of that feeling! Now I’m scared for when the prescription will end.

I’m looking online, I’m craving them. I want to take a box full. I want to buy a truck load!!!

I need them!!!!!

Damn it loopy!!!!

Damn it psych!!!!!

Loopy x

498. Avoidance

I dont know why I do it, but I do. I’m starting to avoid little bubs. I’m robbing him off on Daddy. I’m lying in bed more and more.

This is what I do when I’m starting to struggle. I dont know why. I want to escape, runaway hide or whatever.

I avoid!

Maybe some people just aren’t cut out to be parents. Maybe some people should never have kids. Maybe I’m one of those people??

Damn it Loopy!

Loopy x

496. Skin to skin.

Little bubs birth was planned. It was going to be lovely. He’d be immediately placed on my chest. He’d gaze up at me. We’d get a hit of gushy hormones and we’d fall in love.

As you might know, things didnt go to plan. It was ages before I held him and then he was whisked off to the nicu. I didnt hold him again for a few days I think. It’s all still a bit hazy.

No proper snuggles or skin to skin at all whilst in hospital. Not the start I wanted. But I cant dwell on that now. That wasnt my fault.

Now we’re home, I’m soaking him in. After little man heads off to bed myself and bubs sit for about to hours, with him snuggled in my chest.

I dont know what skin to skin does exactly but it feels just lovely. It calms me right down and he snoozes so content. I cant stop looking at him. I love him, I really do.

Things feel a little different this time around. Good different.

Loopy x

495. Deranged.

Oh my goodness, what a fortnight I’ve had. Little baba is 2 weeks old today!! He arrived 5 weeks early, by emergency C-Section. I’m not being dramatic, we both could have died.

I’d been feeling really really unwell for weeks. I’d had iron infusions that did nothing for my extreme fatigue, and I had an oral glucose tolerance test that proved I wasn’t diabetic, despite my insane thirst. And I do mean insane! 3 litres, 4 litres, 5 litres and more! Nothing would quench my thirst. I was tight chested, out of puff, sore everywhere! I was starting to think it was long COVID. No one was really listening.

Then the itch started, followed shortly after by little pink spots breaking out on my hands and arms. Throw in some right side abdomen pain, ferocious Brixton hicks and oh yes!, I knew something was wrong, and as my consultant wasn’t listening, I rang my GP. He was great to be fair and quickly organised a barrage of blood tests. Early the next day, I got the call. “Loopy your liver and kidney results are deranged.

Deranged was a term I’d hear a lot over the next few days. Here’s what it meant. My kidneys and liver were struggling, working overdrive, values through the roof. The GP had queried HELLP syndrome, but the conclusion was probably even marginally worse. I was diagnosed with acute fatty liver in pregnancy. It’s all a bit of a haze, but baby needed to come out now!

At 6.44pm two weeks ago today little man no 2 was delivered. It was scary. He wasn’t breathing, moving or crying. He was deadly silent and all we could do was wait. It felt like forever, but the fantastic team did their magic and suddenly a little squishy tiny baby man was plonked on my chest. The rest of that day, the next few days in fact is hazy.

12 days in the nicu, and now on the children’s ward, we’re getting ready for home. I only spent my first night with him last night. It was bizarre and beautiful. Lots of questions still to be answered, lots of blogs to come.

We’d planned this birth meticulously. It wasn’t going to be traumatic. It was going to be special, controlled, calm. Nothing ever goes to plan!

For now though, he’s getting stronger every day, he’s stolen my heart and he’s my little warrior.

Loopy x

494. Times going too fast.

I’m booked in to deliver baby on Sept 22nd. I’m not ready! I’m freaking out! I don’t want to do this!

I’ve been prepping. Washing little mans old baby clothes, buying new stuff, sorting a crib, new car seat, cleaning our old travel system, buying little toys, food prep essentials, cute blankets, cute hats and off course hospital bag essentials. You’d think this would bring me some joy, some excitement, anything….. but it doesn’t. I’m like a robot going through the drill, but I’m really dreading it all. Right now I want him out of my belly, but not back to my house. How awful is that?

I’ve had multiple scans and I fight back tears at every single one. I look at the screen but I don’t want to. I listen to the doc explain positions, heartbeat and healthy signs but I just want them to shut up.

I don’t want to be a mum anymore. I just don’t think I can. I’m exhausted, I’m scared and I’m not ready.

Oh shit!!!

Loopy x

493. I’m bringing sexy back!!

Oh sweet jesus, I’m literally about to explode! I’ve like 8 weeks still to go!!!

Everything hurts and I mean EVERYTHING!!

I’ve had 2 iron infusions for my anaemia but I’m not feeling any benefit. I’m bloody miserable

Loopy

492. Tracking thoughts

I’m back in therapy and have been asked to keep a record of my thoughts etc, so this will be a growing post.

29th of July- Terrible nightmare. I woke in shock, flustered and a little frantic. In my dream Murphy died (my little pup). For some really bizarre reason we decided to throw his dead corpse on our fire. Just as the flames began to rise, Murphy woke up and stood staring at me in agony as the flames engulfed him. If you’ve ever seen one of those ISIS burning videos, it was very akin to those. If you’ve never seen one, please don’t look them up. Murphy moved around and eventually dropped, me watching terrified and guilt stricken, and devastated…….then I woke up.

30th of July- Depressed, heart broken and stressed. I feel like crap anyway these days. Pregnancy is really tough this time. I had an iron infusion last Monday, but no benefit as of yet. I’m tired, everything aches and I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m also sadly dreading the arrival of littlest man. I’m currently at home and today I cried as I watched little man being overwhelmed by all the kids that were running about. I cried as he hid away trying to escape them and I cried again when I overheard them mocking him. He can cope to some extent with one child, possibly two if he knows them well, but today’s 7 completely stressed him out. This evening it was then just him and O. They had great fun until O ran off to join the others. Little man stood and watched him leave, then begged for his shoes so that he could follow, then trundled home again sadly, forgotten by the group and left behind as they all carried on their fun. I can’t bear to see him so lost and sad. I don’t know how to help him integrate, I don’t know what to do, I feel so useless. I hate being home, his symptoms are always more pronounced here. I can’t wait to get back to our little family home.

Mum by the way caught me weeping. She just can’t ever be supportive or empathetic. ‘Well you should see what poor Sharon has to deal with and then you’d know about worries”

Thanks for that.

2nd of August- Very low, exhausted, worthless and a 2nd iron infusion. At the hospital my resting pulse was 125, and baby’s heart rate was up too, although it settled. The nurse commented; ‘you’re not yourself today’ She’s only met me once before. She was right though, I’m feeling crap today and I spent the whole infusion fighting back tears. I can’t explain my feelings or the cause of them. I’m really really sad. I’m not ready for baby number 2 and already going through the motions is draining me. I have that familiar feeling of; I wish I could run away. I wish it all would stop!

3rd of August- I’m struggling with little man. His mood swings and his temper are really grating on me. It’s partly because I’m so physically unwell, breathless, nauseous and all my joints are failing me. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I’m not sure I want this baby and the guilt of those thoughts is crushing me too. I can’t do it. I’m back at work but I’m not really fit to be there. I’ve no focus, no energy and I’m just hating it. I want to lie in bed all day, partly because I’m physically struggling and partly because I want to shut out the world. I threw up earlier due to nausea, but it felt good so I purged a bit more. I’ve been really craving self harm, and tonight I’ve finally succumbed to that urge. Right now it feels great but I’m sure I’ll regret this tomorrow. Little man is being really clingy again and I’m worried about his upcoming ASD assessment. I’m also worried that little bump might have albinism. You think I’d be o.k with that given I’ve experience in that area, but nope it would come as a terrible blow. Selfish huh?

5th of August- I don’t know who to ring! OH is working and I’m in agony. Excruciating ankle foot and leg pain! No swelling or redness so unlikely DVT. No cramps either, it feels more like a fracture but it’s not. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!! I I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE! I want pills, I want help, I want to talk to someone! I don’t know who to call??? ……….. Update- I have listened to hypnobirthing rainbows relaxation. It is hard to relax, I’m too sore BUT I’ve stopped crying and gotten my breathing under control. A bit calmer now.

7th of August. Why do I answer the phone? Sis just rang on yet another rant about our darling family. Went on and on about the usual put downs, mum drinking etc etc. I try to compartmentalise Mums comments these days into a box in my head called; ‘let it go, you know what she’s like, her opinions don’t matter”. —-still working on the title:)…. Anyway apparently her and sis were talking about a brutal murder in Dublin where a fella killed his ex girlfriend and how common these types of things seem to be these days. Mum off course has her opinion; “it’s the youth of today, ruined, spoiled, demanding everything and never being told no!, can handle nothing! and when they don’t get their own way they just can’t cope! Ruined!…. That’s not the bit that got to me though, it’s how she ended her little rant..”AND ITS THE SAME AS ALL THOSE ONES COMMITTING SUICIDE”………………..I’m angry, really blood boiling angry. Considering a revenge suicide, where I send letters and videos to all media declaring I’ve committed suicide, so that she can’t possibly hide the truth. Oh how it would embarrass her!! Off course I know this is just anger talking and since we don’t do healthy dialogue in my family I need to park this and move on….but as someone who has felt that low on numerous occasions, as someone who has been hurt by those times that mum is so ashamed of my illness, I just can’t ignore this. I can’t stop my blood boiling….