What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
Nope that’s not a typo. I like this brand, and have had success with it before.
New year, new body-the usual blah blah blah. Better starting point this year though, not the same level of weight gain to banish.
I’ve run out of orlistat, and I’ve decided not to re order anymore. I’m also resisting the urge to write negative, self esteem bashing blog posts and should I relent then I must at least include some positivity too. The recovery continues!!
Loopy x
I’ve not blogged in ages, but I think yesterday deserves a post. I’ve been quietly getting on with life. Quietly working, quietly parenting and quietly slowly recovering.
No more sleeping pills, no more self harm Less and less self loathing.
Yeah I’m still in therapy, but hell yeah I’m the most mentally fit, that I’ve been in years.
So yesterday, after almost 6 years off pretty intensive support, I was finally discharged from the community mental health team.
I’ll be honest, it’s pretty damn scary, but also pretty damn awesome!!!
Loopy x
Hello all, I’m back. I took a bit of a blogging break for a while there. I read somewhere that we’re all basically big gooey organ filled, high thinking batteries and sooooo…..we should drop the things that drain us and keep those thing that charge us back up
My last blog was a while ago. I found myself drained doing them. Almost like sitting in an actual therapy session but without the support. I have started to miss blogging though.
So I’m back!!
Loopy x
I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want the therapy. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I want to quit counselling.
She’s lovely, but I want to run. I want to hide and I want to stay silent. I can’t do it JUST LEAVE ME ALONE
I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I’m too pathetic. Can we just stop. I need to stop!!
It feels too raw, too uncomfortable, too hard.
I’ve never really felt like this in therapy before. Is it just too much now, whilst being a new mum. Am I already spinning too many plates or am I just scared? Scared of failure at it, scared of being silently judged, scared off saying too much……or too little.
Loopy x
I’m desperate to lose weight. I needed a challenge to motivate me. Black and white thinking is a bitch.
Go hard or go home! I signed up Great Ormund Street hospitals 500,000 steps in November to raise some money for the great work they do.
I’ve just had a baby! Everything is stretched and sore but yeah OK loopy walk 10k a day, that’s no bother!!! Need to hit at least 16,666 every day.
Day 3 and my numbers are good. I’m already becoming a bit obsessed with it. I really need to lose weight.
Now that baby’s out, I’m throwing up again. Not lots, but enough I hope.
Loopy x
A wave of inadequacy.
Very tense, stressed, want to lash out. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
I should have told oh, I couldn’t face him tonight.
I want to self harm. I might hurt him, what if I hurt him!
I need to pass out, I want to zone out. I can’t do this. Want sleeping pills, handful, boxful, no just 1. Settle for 1.
Why bring someone into this crap world.
He’s so small, so delicate, so vulnerable. So completely reliant on us. I’m not up to the job. But I love him. I’m so confused. Love him, hate him, love him, hate him. LOVE HIM!
I want a break! Even though oh had been doing most of it, I want a break
I’m fucking useless…..
Fat, fat fat fat fat fat!.
Ate too much, wasted my walk. Puked some. Pathetic! Need to walk more!
Need a shower, ugly ugly ugly. Why bother!
Loopy x.
I’ve not really been sleeping and it was starting to reach crisis point. My psych consultant offered sleeping pills. I was shocked!
Long term followers will know that I previously battled a zopiclone addiction. I was buying it online, consuming 4,5,6,7………. pills at a time.
I was longing for addiction help, but it never came. I did it on my own. I quit. Stopped searching for them stopped buying them and to some extent stopped craving them.
The truth is you never really get completely over an addiction. You battle with it. Want to turn to it when you’re down, angry, lost and tired.
My psych offered me zopiclone. I said no. How about zolpidem? I reluctantly said yes.
The pills sat untouched on my dresser for a few nights. I was scared to take them………..then I did
I love that feeling, need that feeling, want more of that feeling! Now I’m scared for when the prescription will end.
I’m looking online, I’m craving them. I want to take a box full. I want to buy a truck load!!!
I need them!!!!!
Damn it loopy!!!!
Damn it psych!!!!!
Loopy x
I dont know why I do it, but I do. I’m starting to avoid little bubs. I’m robbing him off on Daddy. I’m lying in bed more and more.
This is what I do when I’m starting to struggle. I dont know why. I want to escape, runaway hide or whatever.
I avoid!
Maybe some people just aren’t cut out to be parents. Maybe some people should never have kids. Maybe I’m one of those people??
Damn it Loopy!
Loopy x
Little bubs birth was planned. It was going to be lovely. He’d be immediately placed on my chest. He’d gaze up at me. We’d get a hit of gushy hormones and we’d fall in love.
As you might know, things didnt go to plan. It was ages before I held him and then he was whisked off to the nicu. I didnt hold him again for a few days I think. It’s all still a bit hazy.
No proper snuggles or skin to skin at all whilst in hospital. Not the start I wanted. But I cant dwell on that now. That wasnt my fault.
Now we’re home, I’m soaking him in. After little man heads off to bed myself and bubs sit for about to hours, with him snuggled in my chest.
I dont know what skin to skin does exactly but it feels just lovely. It calms me right down and he snoozes so content. I cant stop looking at him. I love him, I really do.
Things feel a little different this time around. Good different.
Loopy x
Oh my goodness, what a fortnight I’ve had. Little baba is 2 weeks old today!! He arrived 5 weeks early, by emergency C-Section. I’m not being dramatic, we both could have died.
I’d been feeling really really unwell for weeks. I’d had iron infusions that did nothing for my extreme fatigue, and I had an oral glucose tolerance test that proved I wasn’t diabetic, despite my insane thirst. And I do mean insane! 3 litres, 4 litres, 5 litres and more! Nothing would quench my thirst. I was tight chested, out of puff, sore everywhere! I was starting to think it was long COVID. No one was really listening.
Then the itch started, followed shortly after by little pink spots breaking out on my hands and arms. Throw in some right side abdomen pain, ferocious Brixton hicks and oh yes!, I knew something was wrong, and as my consultant wasn’t listening, I rang my GP. He was great to be fair and quickly organised a barrage of blood tests. Early the next day, I got the call. “Loopy your liver and kidney results are deranged.
Deranged was a term I’d hear a lot over the next few days. Here’s what it meant. My kidneys and liver were struggling, working overdrive, values through the roof. The GP had queried HELLP syndrome, but the conclusion was probably even marginally worse. I was diagnosed with acute fatty liver in pregnancy. It’s all a bit of a haze, but baby needed to come out now!
At 6.44pm two weeks ago today little man no 2 was delivered. It was scary. He wasn’t breathing, moving or crying. He was deadly silent and all we could do was wait. It felt like forever, but the fantastic team did their magic and suddenly a little squishy tiny baby man was plonked on my chest. The rest of that day, the next few days in fact is hazy.
12 days in the nicu, and now on the children’s ward, we’re getting ready for home. I only spent my first night with him last night. It was bizarre and beautiful. Lots of questions still to be answered, lots of blogs to come.
We’d planned this birth meticulously. It wasn’t going to be traumatic. It was going to be special, controlled, calm. Nothing ever goes to plan!
For now though, he’s getting stronger every day, he’s stolen my heart and he’s my little warrior.
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 