342. Where has my confidence gone?……

and why is my head so foggy?

I gave a lecture today. I was nervous, and it showed. I fumbled my way through bullet points, searched my mind for factual recall that just wouldn’t come to me, and overall it was uncomfortable for me.

I could hear my own voice relayed around the lecture theatre and I hated it. My head is foggy though, forgetful and muddled. It’s very frustrating.

I don’t know if it’s my meds, or if this is just the new me now? Have my breakdowns done this to me?

On a side note, I now need to upload further supplementary resources for the students, to compensate for my incompetence.

Swagger, If you’re out there, look me up. I need you back.

Loopy x

342. A downward trajectory.

Last night I finally caved and did a little burn. It felt good.

Today I’ve binged and scoffed calorie filled delights until this evening, my grotesque bloated stature had to purge.

Tonight I’m tired and craving zopiclone. I’ve had 2, but I’ll need to order more.

Alarm bells are ringing.

Loopy x

341. Flumps

I love flumps. I’ve enjoyed them since childhood. Today however, flumps are proving quite troublesome. For those of you unsure, flumps are marshmallow logs, that are bloomin delicious.

I enjoy them immensely but like many sweet treats, soon after consumption, the guilt and self loathing sets in.

I’m purging again. I need to, I’m grotesque. If you’re suffering from disordered eating and purging, I have a word of warning for you…..

Flumps FLOAT!!!!!!!, making them very difficult to flush 😦

Loopy x

340. An unanswered email, update

In my previous post, I’d feared an email to my previous CPN had been missed, or worse; ignored. I was (as usual) a little quick to judge.

I should have known C wouldn’t let me down. Today I recieved a mail, that has made my week. It was an email full of warmth and encouragement. It was an email that in truth has made me miss her a little bit more, but it’s one that I will treasure.

It’s a mail that I will no doubt read from time to time when I need cheeing up. It means alot to me.

Loopy x

339. An unanswered email.

I emailed C yesterday. C was my care coordinator just before, during and after my last hospital admission. I miss her terribly. Since moving home, my new team have been pretty dire. Very nice, but I’ve been promised a psychology referral since early July and they still haven’t done it. I have the same conversation over and over again, but I’m getting no support or care.

This would never happen with C. When she told me she would do something, she would do it. She made me feel properly “listened” to. She made me feel less alone.

I probably stepped over a boundary emailing her. I’ve been desperate to call her, but I’m no longer her responsibility and I guess, i thought a little email would be less intrusive. I’ll never know, if she actually saw it, or read it.

I’ve had no reply, and I’m gutted. This is most likely my BPD at work. I become reliant on people and when they’re gone, I miss them way more than I probably should.

I really really really miss her and I’m feeling lost without her

I guess I just need to learn to deal with it.

Loopy x

338. A harmless purge.

Let’s be honest. There is no such thing as a harmless purge. My scientific brain is screaming; tooth decay!! vocal chord damage!! throat sores!! bloating!! digestive problems!! bad, bad, BAD!!!

But then I look in the mirror. I see fat and buldges, and yuck! I remember all the calories I’ve binged on. I’m ugly, I’m ugly, I’m UGLY!!!!

Now my mouth is dry and sore.

Loopy x

337. A little manic.

“You sound hyped” my sister remarked, as we chatted earlier.

She was right, I do feel quite manic today. I’m in a good mood. I bought clothes in the spur of the moment, which I rarely do. If my bank account could cope, I’d have bought an iPad.

I’m looking at ebikes, that cost thousands. I’m searching amazon for things to buy. I want to spend!!!

My rational brain is holding me back. I don’t get paid until Monday. Hopefully my desire to buy stuff will have eased by then. If not, I’ll quickly blow my first pay cheque.

I’m frigging pumped!!!

Loopy x