77. Triggered

So for the 2nd time since I’ve been in here the lovely staff have attempted to run a relaxation session (around 7.30 pm).  Why does every frigging soundtrack involve water sounds or waves? I won’t be attending any other of these sessions.  I’m overthinking everything at the moment and as soon as I heard those waves, I was right back in that water, rushing to the surface, watching the failed revival of his blue face.

I wanted to burn, but I didn’t.  I asked a staff member to not let me.

Why is this bugging me so much now?  It’s a problem. I live by the sea.  I feel so much guilt that I didn’t do more.

Loopy x.

76. Power Boost

I’ve just come back from the gym.  I’m glad I made myself go today.  I feel energized and more positive.  Had a nice chat earlier with a staff member also, who’s very practical about things.  I should chat to her more. I’m getting better at opening up.

Lets hope this feeling lasts a bit.

Loopy x

74. Lethal injection or a million pounds?

I honestly don’t know which one I would choose today.  There is so much conflict in my head. I’ve just caught sight of my expanding belly fat in the mirror and it’s grotesque. I’m thinking about my son and my OH and how difficult I am to be around for them. I’m thinking life’s too hard, and yet I’ve invested so much in it to get where I am now. I’m thinking my career is ruined.  I’m thinking my family are ashamed of me. My head is racing with the pros and cons of life and death.

Mornings are never good.

I need to kick Wilson for a bit.

Loopy x.

73. Say you won’t let go

Lots of things in my life have been a struggle lately, and if I’m being completely honest; one of those things is my relationship with OH. We have our problems, that we’ve begun to recognise.  I love him dearly and the gravity of what I almost did to him is hitting me hard tonight.

There is one song that I have on repeat at the moment, that is giving me strength. I want to marry this man and if he ever asks; this will be our first dance………….

I guess I want to live.

Loopy x.

72. Changing tides

I’ve been really tired today (dozed a lot) but at around 3.00pm I had my usual diazepam and oddly I became more awake, though the 3 cups of tea probably explains that.  I had a shower this evening, and noticed that I sang to myself the whole way through.  I’ve had several nice chats and banter with a staff member, changed my bandages and overall I’ve just had a good evening.

I was meant to have a visit but she cancelled.  That didn’t bother me at all.  It’s now around 6.45 pm and my mood is good, probably the highest it’s been in here thus far. I do need to ring home and see how my little man is doing so fingers crossed that doesn’t upset me.

Loopy x.

71. Dog tired.

I’m so tired today.  My body is weak and heavy.  I dozed of on a window sill.  I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks (but I have).  My mind is also running quite slow though which is nice I guess.

I’ve also just had another psychology session.  It went well I think.  I did feel quite rude yawning the whole way through it though. We did some breathing exercise at the end and although I started off giggling, it got a little better.  There was no music played during the breathing exercise, and I think for me that was a good thing.

It feels like the start of some progress maybe.

Loopy x.

70. Mornings are the worst.

My arms are sore.  I had to rip the dressings off last night, as the itching was so intense I couldn’t sleep. Today the wounds have dried and are very painful.  I have no dressings left and this ward is not stocked for burns. An amazon order should arrive tomorrow.

The mornings are the worst for me at the moment. I am at my lowest when I get up. I don’t want to get up but morning meds force me to. I’m so tired, but no one seems to believe me when I say I’m not sleeping. I hate myself today.  I’ve just looked in the mirror and I look rough.  I’m gaining weight despite the almost daily exercise and I feel so alone. I’m taking too long to get better.

I also miss little man today.  I want to see him, but I can’t.

Loopy x.