17. That’s a nice hair colour, is it natural?

I’ve just finished up with my weekly psych review, and marched back to my room.  I want to be alone.  Then the lady who runs the group psych meetings pops in to ask me to join.  “No Thanks, not today.”  But as she leaves she remarks, “That’s a pretty hair colour, is it natural?  For most people such a simple compliment would raise their spirits, but for me, it’s just another reminder of how different I am, and how much I hate those differences.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? I see ugly.  I may have said this already in another post, I’m losing track but the other day my mum was in she told me; “you need to up your game” when she saw that glamour of some of the other ladies in here.  She probably said it jokingly, but it hurt.  I’ve always felt like she never quite got the pretty daughter she’d been looking for. She’d always remark about the style and beauty of other young girls my age who came into the shop she worked in.  It always felt like she was disappointed with us (me and my sister).

I don’t do fabulous nails, perfectly plucked brows or meticulously glamorised complexions, and it’s not because I don’t want to.  When you can’t quite see the details of your own face very clearly in a mirror its very difficult to flawlessly and artistically beautify them with all those products that we women are meant to use.

I’m ugly and I’ll forever be ugly.  That’s just the way it is.

Loopy x.

16. Apathy

I’m feeling very odd today.  I guess I can only describe it as apathetic. It’s nearly 3 weeks now since I took my overdose and today I feel like I did that day.  I’m slighlty anxious, slighlty sad, slightly hyper and slightly in love with the idea of death.  If I had those pills again today, I would take them, and I would not call an ambulance.

I find myself scanning every room in this place for ways to hurt myself, and then I catch the eyes of staff on me and think it wouldn’t work anyway.  Maybe I just need to be patient.  Death will find me if it’s meant to, or I’ll find it.

We played a game a little while ago in the MTT room and for those moments I forgot about everything and just focused on the game.  I even laughed.

I just need to get through today.

Loopy x.

14. Practical Steps.

So this is the wake up call I needed.  It turns out that when you try to end your life, sometimes survival instinct kicks in.  I guess that’s why I called 999, I guess that’s why even though I find myself scanning my room for hanging points, sharp objects and generally stuff that I could kill myself with, I don’t actually do anything about it. Although lets face it, that’s also in part because I’m checked on every 15 minutes.  The only real way I can see of killing myself in here is to asphyxiate, but that won’t work as they’ll find me within 15 minutes and best case scenario I’ll be absolutely fine, worse case I’ll end up brain damaged and more of a burden to my family than I already am.

I could slit my wrists, they guard cutlery like it’s some sort of lethat weapon and I guess in some cases it is, but I do have a plastic box in my room that I could rip with a sharp edge, but there again, I’d just make a bloody mess, be found get stictched up and end up back were I started.

Should I just wait.  That’s what I want to do.  I want to order more zopiclone online, build up a stash, get out of here, find a time and do it right next time, but even as I’m writing this, I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe I can do little things to make life more bearable.

So myself and OH have started coming up with practical solutions to ease the pressures on us both.  OH is going to get two fixed days a week off work.  I plan to go down to 80% and then last night my Mum finally agreed that we could let my little dog retire home to Ireland and be looked after by my folks.  I am devastated at the thought of saying goodbye to him, but we can never go anywhere or do anything because we have no one over here to mind him, so in the long run it will be better for us as a family.  But it hurts.  Oh my god it hurts.  My pug was my baby for 10 years and feel like I’m neglecting him. Maybe just maybe these little steps will ease our stress.

So yes I can make these little steps to take away the pressures, but what do you do when your biggest turmoil and most devastating demons are in your head and you can’t send them away.  It’s me I hate most of all when I look in the mirror and I can’t escape from me.

Loopy x

12. Do I hate my son?

Today has been a more positive day for me in many ways. I guess the start of it, was that I actually managed to share some of my inner thoughts and fears with a member of staff this morning. Today, I said for the first time out loud, those words that no mother should ever utter; I hate my son!.  The truth I guess is that it’s not so much that I hate him, but that I hate the person I’ve become since having him.  I’ve become someone who is utterly useless at everything I do.  I spend hours at work procrastinating, either from exhaustion or from the mere fact that my head has become so much busier since I’ve had my boy.

I wanted him so badly.  I had my first miscarriage during my PhD.  I never knew I wanted to be a mum so badly until it was cruelly taken away from me just a few weeks into gestation.  Tow more miscarriages would follow, each one more devastating than the last.  We had fertility tests, I had a diagnostic laparoscopy, we were then going on the waiting list for IVF.  Whilst all this was happening I applied for a new job, accepted it and then boom, immediately found out I was pregnant.  The joy is indescribable, as is the fear of telling my new boss, but what did that matter really, I was pregnant and this time it was meant to be.

On the 18th of Dec 2016 I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy you could ever imagine.  The labour was quite traumatic ending in a ventouse delivery, but he was perfect, at least for the first couple of days. Then all of a sudden, and I hate saying this, but I began to be terrified of the life I had now created for myself.  I’d lie awake at night listening for his breathing, petrified of cot death.  I’d try daily to get him to latch on so that I could feed him as nature intended, but he couldn’t.  I’d grow tired of his crying and I’m not sure when exactly this happened but I soon began going through the motions of motherhood, not really feeling that this little guy was mine, or that he loved me.  For 14 weeks I hated my existence, and I spoke to a GP, but it was brushed off as baby blues.  Given my past, I knew this was a little more than baby blues but I never went back.

Then one morning at 14 weeks old the clouds lifted, the resentment faded and I began to fell the love that every mother should for their child.  Every little milestone, giggles, rolling, following objects etc made me burst with pride.  It was what I imagined motherhood would be, full of love and laughter.

But then in August, I went back to work and I think that’s probably when this downward spiral reignited.

If you’re a mum and your trying your best, then believe me, you are the best mother in the world.

Loopy x.

1. Italy or A&E?

I’m not much of a blogger.  I’m a thinker……..An overthinker!!!! My thoughts consume me daily, so it’s time to set them free.

Let’s start at the beginning.  It’s an absolutely stunning day in Italy.  A perfect day for a family wedding.  You could even say that happiness and love fill the air.  Not my air though, i chose not to go.  I’ve got reasons why I chose to stay in Liverpool alone which i may get to in future blogs but for now, all you need to know is that it’s Friday August 3rd 2018, 20.53 pm (according to my phone history anyway, I don’t remember much) and I’m dialing 999.

Call hander; “Is the patient breathing?

Me: Yes, but I’ve taken an overdose!

it’s all abit hazy from then on, but my phone records indicate that they had to call me back 4 times.  The signal in our house is terrible so I’m not surprised.  Oour conversation ended at 21.12 pm, the moment the paramedics arrived on scene.  I vaguely remeber being ushered into and ambulance, my next door neighbour standing outside wathcing and then nothing…………………………………………………….

But I’m still here.  Ready to slowly share my story, so bear with me.  It may take a little time.

You are awesome

Loopy x.

woman standing on mountain during dayttime
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