I had psychology today. We didn’t do much in the way of therapy, but we did chat for an hour. “I see on your notes, that you’ve discussed joining mum and toddler groups”
It sounds so simple doesn’t it. Human beings are social creatures and we don’t do so well in isolation. I’ve certainly proved that off late. “Can you see why we’re suggesting this?”
“Off course I can”. But I’m terrified off new groups. I’m terrified of the stares and awkward introductions, and the small talk. I’m terrified that Little man will run off, and I’ll lose him. I’m terrified that I’ll trip over toys or make an ass of myself pouring tea. I’ve gone to groups before. I’ve sat alone in the corner, unable to strike up friendships. I’m not a very good version of myself in these scenarios. Work Loopy; the seemingly confident outspoken, authoritative lecturer who can command the attention of 300+ people, cowers within me, unable to move or speak.
I’ve just re-joined a popular mums app, and I’m dreading receiving any messages.
I am lonely though, very lonely. I’m not sure how to conquer this.
I guess I should have expected this. It’s two steps forward and one step back. I’ve found today quite challenging. At 8.00 am little crying sounds penetrated my eardrums; “Please go back to sleep, please please please!”
I really didn’t want to get up today and If I’d had the choice, I would have stayed cocooned in my duvet. With the Little man though, I have no choice. He stirred for a little while and by 9 am, I was up and preparing his breakfast. I didn’t have the energy today. It may be a coincidence but often when I’m low, Little man is more difficult. Off course this is partly explained by my inability to cope with normal day to day behaviours, but sometimes I think he is attuned to my inner demons and when they rise, his quickly follow suit. He tested me today, and I guess I should be thankful that we both survived.
OH arrived home from work around 1. I found him tiresome. As I’ve mentioned before, he is in need of help himself. We negatively bounce of each other, on days like this. There is a general feeling of malaise. I tried to persuade him to hit the gym. I’ve tried everyday since my hospital discharge, and everyday he finds a reason to decline.
I’ve also had trouble organising my medication since leaving hospital. Several phonecalls to the ward, my GP and my CPN have quite frankly stressed me out. I was finally able to pick up the script this afternoon, only to find, that I’ve been given enough for 7 days. Only 7 days! I guess when you try to overdose; GP’s become a little more cautious, but the thought of battling against the receptionists and the locums again next week, is enough to send me into a cold sweat.
I’m tired now, really tired, but if the past few nights are anything to go by; it will be a few hours yet before sleep finds me.
On a brighter note; I’m seeing my psychologist tomorrow, who I’m very fond off.
Today was a good day. Little man was in good humour most of the day. I also accomplished many everyday tasks, that are often roadblocked by my depression. Little man was bathed and played with, laundry was done, dinner was made, floors were vacumed, and to finish off the day, I’ve just come back from the gym.
20 minutes cross trainer, 2000 m on the rower, 15 minutes bike, and I finished off at home with my leg raise challenge.
I’m tired now. But it’s a worthwhile tiredness.
Remember today Loopy x.
I’ve said this before; the UK’s online pharmacy market is dangerous. Members of the general public can with relative ease, obtain prescription medications with minimal cost. Except the cost is potentially not minimal; I almost lost my life! For vulnerable adults like myself who don’t always think rationally or clearly, this is a potentailly fatal system.
So………………… I wrote to the Prime Minister. I recieved a reply yesterday.
If you read it, you’ll probably agree with me, that I’ve been fobbed off somewhat. Tomorrow is World Mental Health Day. Tomorrow I will write to our Secretary of State for Health and Social Care; Matt Hancock, and I will raise a concern with the GPhC (General Pharmaceutical Council)
I pumped those pedals hard tonight. It didn’t matter in which direction I travelled the wind was hitting me square in the face. I didn’t want to stop; I’m not sure why. I had to return home though, given recent history and the fact that I usually only do around 30 minutes, I thought OH might start to worry. 45 minutes against the wind was good though. I tried something a little different tonight; something my psychologist had mentioned to me; “Breathing in light and releasing negativity”. It’s dark out so I breathed in the orange glow of street lamps and breathed out a heavenly white beam (it was easy to visualise with my bike light glistening against the tarmac.). Thinking about it; I should probably have breathed in the heavenly beam but it kind off worked anyway. I’m not very good at these abstract methods of finding inner tranquility, but I need to practice. The benefit tonight, was that whilst focusing on light; I wasn’t really thinking. I wasn’t self destructing or harbouring thoughts of worthlessness, I was merely focusing on breathing light. Off course once I stopped my head cogs picked up pace again. I do however, need to become more comfortable with these abstract concepts.
The next few weeks wiil be all about finding a compassionate self, and the excercises are all a bit abstract and uncomfortable for me. My psychologist will be using good old fashioned “chair work”. I will be encouarged to engage in dialogue with an imagined person (possibly my younger self, or something symbolic such as my inner critic) or indeed I may have to assume the roles of both parties in a conversation. The emphasis will be on self reflection and change, in the hope of removing (or at least reducing) my tendancy to self criticise and ruminate.
Before I go; Night 2 of the “Keep Sally Up” challenge has killed me. I wanted to self harm earlier, but I’ve no need to now by abs/flabs are burning.
Despite struggling to get out of bed this morning, today has actually been a slightly more upbeat day. Another tick on my road to better mental health, was having my eyes tested today. I’ve been having headaches for months and I think it is down to eye strain. My vision is 6/38. Basically what the average person can see from 38 metres away, I can only see within 6 metres away. Pretty poor really but for the first time in my life; there was a noticable difference with lenses. I can’t see any more lines on the chart but with lenses the letters became a little sharper. So I’ve purchased glasses, with reactions lenses to help filter light and glare treatment to ease the strain when viewing computer screens. Hopefully this will be a positive move. I’m also going to ask my GP for an opthalmologist referral so that I can be fully evaluated and properly registered in this country.
My little man also filled me with joy today. He’s grown up so much whilst I’ve been away. Now he loves to wrestle, be tossed around, be michievious and just generally play. I’ve enjoyed his company today which is a massive leap forward. I’m also a little less concerned now about ASD, having spent much more time with him. He certainly has his quirks and I want to get him reviewed but I’m more optimistic that he’s actually going to be fine.
On a different note, my slightly eleavated mood has given me the push to try the “Bring Sally Up” challenge. This was mentioned to me; by my stalker (an excellant support worker) whilst I was still an inpatient. Look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’d never heard of it either.
It’s one of those workouts that looks so simple but……………
I tried it first with push ups; EPIC FAIL!! (I’ve always been terrible at push ups)
I then did it with leg raises, and I could certainly feel it. I will continue with the leg raises for a while until my core is stronger. It’s a great little challenge though as you can do it with most excercises (sit ups, squats, planks, free weights etc etc). It will only take around 3 minutes out of your day, and you get a decent work out.
I’m glad I’m ending today more upbeat and optimistic. Tomorrow will be my first day at home alone all day with Little man. I’ve been dreading it since discharge but tonight it doesn’t seem so scary.
Keep it up Loopy.
My ears are crackling, my nasal passages are inflamed, my glands are swollen and my body feels heavy and unwieldy. My mind is fuzzy and everything aches. I’m physically exhausted.
How do you elevate your mood when your body just wants to collapse? I’ve just come back from a short night bike ride. I really had to force myself to go. It’s the one thing though that I seem to be able to push upon myselft, and it doesn’t put much stain on my aching ankle joint.
It was eerily quiet except for a couple of anglers down along the shore front. It was just me, the sea breeze, the city skyline and my thoughts. My thoughts move a little slower when I’m pumping pedals. I’m no longer able to kick Wilson, which is proving problematic, so I need those few moments of calm that two wheels bring me.
I cried on Mum today. She finally rang me this morning and I broke down. Nothing has really changed and I’m losing hope. OH who promised to step up seems less motivated than ever. I think I’ve broken him too.
We need help.