“You just need to be more positive in your reviews”; it was an off the cuff remark by someone in here today. It triggered a flood. I’ve been deflated today, feel mad at myself for not making enough progress, feel like the worst mother in the world, feel like I’m never going to get out of here or be ready to get out of here, and then that comment. It came from a good place and kind hearted person but it stung like a thousand bees. It’s my families just get on with already attitude.
There they were again, those intrusive ” just kill yourself already” thoughts that frequent my brain. I can’t do this. How the hell do I bounce back from all this? How the hell do I turn off the self loathing and hatred I hold towards myself.
I’ve just come back from being out with OH. We went into town. It was productive I guess in that I got my lashes and brows tinted (although I feel a bit panda eyed) but I’m so relieved to be back in the sanctuary of this ward. How bizarre is that. The people, the stares, the slow walkers in front of me (I get pavement rage); was all a bit too much.
My social anxiety is an issue at the moment. Small talk with OH is also draining and feels forced. Everything just feels all a bit awkward.
I’m so hungry today. I want to binge big time. I’ve had a gym session which was great but now I’m craving anything and everything. I’ve caught sight of my expanding mid section already today, thus eating is making me feel guilty. Then the guilt just makes me want to eat. I’m a comfort eater anyway. I could really do with a Leptin injection!!!
I must not binge, I must not binge, I MUST NOT BINGE!!
So for the 2nd time since I’ve been in here the lovely staff have attempted to run a relaxation session (around 7.30 pm). Why does every frigging soundtrack involve water sounds or waves? I won’t be attending any other of these sessions. I’m overthinking everything at the moment and as soon as I heard those waves, I was right back in that water, rushing to the surface, watching the failed revival of his blue face.
I wanted to burn, but I didn’t. I asked a staff member to not let me.
Why is this bugging me so much now? It’s a problem. I live by the sea. I feel so much guilt that I didn’t do more.
I’ve just come back from the gym. I’m glad I made myself go today. I feel energized and more positive. Had a nice chat earlier with a staff member also, who’s very practical about things. I should chat to her more. I’m getting better at opening up.
I honestly don’t know which one I would choose today. There is so much conflict in my head. I’ve just caught sight of my expanding belly fat in the mirror and it’s grotesque. I’m thinking about my son and my OH and how difficult I am to be around for them. I’m thinking life’s too hard, and yet I’ve invested so much in it to get where I am now. I’m thinking my career is ruined. I’m thinking my family are ashamed of me. My head is racing with the pros and cons of life and death.
Lots of things in my life have been a struggle lately, and if I’m being completely honest; one of those things is my relationship with OH. We have our problems, that we’ve begun to recognise. I love him dearly and the gravity of what I almost did to him is hitting me hard tonight.
There is one song that I have on repeat at the moment, that is giving me strength. I want to marry this man and if he ever asks; this will be our first dance………….