73. Say you won’t let go

Lots of things in my life have been a struggle lately, and if I’m being completely honest; one of those things is my relationship with OH. We have our problems, that we’ve begun to recognise.  I love him dearly and the gravity of what I almost did to him is hitting me hard tonight.

There is one song that I have on repeat at the moment, that is giving me strength. I want to marry this man and if he ever asks; this will be our first dance………….

I guess I want to live.

Loopy x.

72. Changing tides

I’ve been really tired today (dozed a lot) but at around 3.00pm I had my usual diazepam and oddly I became more awake, though the 3 cups of tea probably explains that.  I had a shower this evening, and noticed that I sang to myself the whole way through.  I’ve had several nice chats and banter with a staff member, changed my bandages and overall I’ve just had a good evening.

I was meant to have a visit but she cancelled.  That didn’t bother me at all.  It’s now around 6.45 pm and my mood is good, probably the highest it’s been in here thus far. I do need to ring home and see how my little man is doing so fingers crossed that doesn’t upset me.

Loopy x.

71. Dog tired.

I’m so tired today.  My body is weak and heavy.  I dozed of on a window sill.  I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks (but I have).  My mind is also running quite slow though which is nice I guess.

I’ve also just had another psychology session.  It went well I think.  I did feel quite rude yawning the whole way through it though. We did some breathing exercise at the end and although I started off giggling, it got a little better.  There was no music played during the breathing exercise, and I think for me that was a good thing.

It feels like the start of some progress maybe.

Loopy x.

70. Mornings are the worst.

My arms are sore.  I had to rip the dressings off last night, as the itching was so intense I couldn’t sleep. Today the wounds have dried and are very painful.  I have no dressings left and this ward is not stocked for burns. An amazon order should arrive tomorrow.

The mornings are the worst for me at the moment. I am at my lowest when I get up. I don’t want to get up but morning meds force me to. I’m so tired, but no one seems to believe me when I say I’m not sleeping. I hate myself today.  I’ve just looked in the mirror and I look rough.  I’m gaining weight despite the almost daily exercise and I feel so alone. I’m taking too long to get better.

I also miss little man today.  I want to see him, but I can’t.

Loopy x.

69. Get well now!!!!

When are you getting out?, What are they doing for you?, Why is it taking so long? What have they said is wrong with you? What are we going to tell everyone if Little man has to stay here longer? You’ve been in there for ages now…………

Every time I speak with my family I get the above barrage of questions and more………….

I don’t have the answers. I wish they would stop putting this pressure on me.

It’s too much.

Loopy x.

 

68. Wilson Reincarnated.

For those of you who may have missed some posts, Wilson is my football. Wilson has been punched and kicked daily, but he remains my best friend.  The problem is, I keep kicking him over the roof!!

So after my earlier rant, I did then get my hair sorted and I did manage to go out with OH. I was even left unacompanied with hair straighteners and I did no harm.

After a trip to Sports Direct the new incarnation of Wilson is once again in my possession. I’ll try not to kick you so high this time my good friend.

As for my trip out with OH; it went much better today. I was very stressed on the ward today so getting out was like breathing for the first time, when you feel like you’re drowning. We didn’t stay long with each other but the time we did have was relaxed and nice. I am missing Little man though; which is a really good sign.

I’m much calmer now and my mood has lifted.

Loopy x.

66. I can’t face today.

I woke up around 5.45, dozed a little here and there; but with the intrusive checks, rising light and the noises of an awakening psych ward I cannot sleep.

It’s just after 9.00am, I’ve reluctantly dragged myself to the dining area to pick up yet another pale cold soggy piece of toast.  I’m tired both emotionally and physically. My arm is sore from previous episodes of self inflicted damage.  I feel defeated and I honestly don’t know how to get through today.

Loopy x.