83. Wading through mud.

I have no fight left.  I didn’t sleep last night.  I’m exhausted and have felt hungover all day. I’m dehydrated and I’m now sore from burning again.

There’s too many things to fix, to many obstacles to overcome. I can’t do it.  My heads going to explode. I’ve never wanted to ligature before coming in here.  Today it’s all I can think about.  Not to kill myself but just to pass out for a bit.  To get a little respite from this life.  I’m too tired to kick Wilson today.

I need to talk, but today I don’t have it in me to ask for help.

Loopy x.

82. “You just need to be more positive…

“You just need to be more positive in your reviews”; it was an off the cuff remark by someone in here today. It triggered a flood. I’ve been deflated today, feel mad at myself for not making enough progress, feel like the worst mother in the world, feel like I’m never going to get out of here or be ready to get out of here, and then that comment.  It came from a good place and kind hearted person but it stung like a thousand bees.  It’s my families just get on with already attitude.

There they were again, those intrusive ” just kill yourself already” thoughts that frequent my brain. I can’t do this. How the hell do I bounce back from all this? How the hell do I turn off the self loathing and hatred I hold towards myself.

It’s so exhausting.

Loopy x.

81. Social anxiety

I’ve just come back from being out with OH.  We went into town.  It was productive I guess in that I got my lashes and brows tinted (although I feel a bit panda eyed) but I’m so relieved to be back in the sanctuary of this ward.  How bizarre is that.  The people, the stares, the slow walkers in front of me (I get pavement rage); was all a bit too much.

My social anxiety is an issue at the moment. Small talk with OH is also draining and feels forced. Everything just feels all a bit awkward.

Loopy x.

79. Fighting hunger.

I’m so hungry today.  I want to binge big time. I’ve had a gym session which was great but now I’m craving anything and everything. I’ve caught sight of my expanding mid section already today, thus eating is making me feel guilty.  Then the guilt just makes me want to eat.  I’m a comfort eater anyway.  I could  really do with a Leptin injection!!!

I must not binge, I must not binge, I MUST NOT BINGE!!

Wilson; Lets play ball!!!

Loopy x.


77. Triggered

So for the 2nd time since I’ve been in here the lovely staff have attempted to run a relaxation session (around 7.30 pm).  Why does every frigging soundtrack involve water sounds or waves? I won’t be attending any other of these sessions.  I’m overthinking everything at the moment and as soon as I heard those waves, I was right back in that water, rushing to the surface, watching the failed revival of his blue face.

I wanted to burn, but I didn’t.  I asked a staff member to not let me.

Why is this bugging me so much now?  It’s a problem. I live by the sea.  I feel so much guilt that I didn’t do more.

Loopy x.

76. Power Boost

I’ve just come back from the gym.  I’m glad I made myself go today.  I feel energized and more positive.  Had a nice chat earlier with a staff member also, who’s very practical about things.  I should chat to her more. I’m getting better at opening up.

Lets hope this feeling lasts a bit.

Loopy x

74. Lethal injection or a million pounds?

I honestly don’t know which one I would choose today.  There is so much conflict in my head. I’ve just caught sight of my expanding belly fat in the mirror and it’s grotesque. I’m thinking about my son and my OH and how difficult I am to be around for them. I’m thinking life’s too hard, and yet I’ve invested so much in it to get where I am now. I’m thinking my career is ruined.  I’m thinking my family are ashamed of me. My head is racing with the pros and cons of life and death.

Mornings are never good.

I need to kick Wilson for a bit.

Loopy x.