This week my niece (9) and nephew (5) are up staying with us. What have I let myself in for!! In truth, they are very good kids, well mannered and great with little man. But the noise, oh my god the noise!!! They are most definitely the loudest kids in Ireland!!!
Noise is something myself, OH and little man struggle with. Especially little man, who often holds his hands over his ears. I’m still concerned about him, to be honest. He’s very very sensitive to noise and I swear he has OCD. Can a child off 3, have OCD?
In other news, I’ve been building… Base frame and 1 wall frame done, with other timbers cut ready for assembly. I’m actually really enjoying this carpentry malarkey. Who knows, I may quit academia and live the quiet life, building crap out off wood, and selling it at a loss (proper stuff is quite expensive)
Finally, I have my psychology assessment tomorrow. I’ve no idea where to start or what my priorities are. I’m hoping it’s quite a structured chat. I’m nervous. What if they say; ‘you’re not suitable?”
I’m terrified off lockdown easing, I’m scared little man is damaged, I’m self harming, using diazepam in excess at night, abusing Orlistat and generally, I’m just messed up.
Where should we start………
I’ve chomped my nails, down to the stumps, I’ve binged and purged. I’ve burned and tonight for the first time since discharge, I want to knock myself out with zopiclone and diazepam, both of which I have in my possession (not loads)
I can’t explain it but a huge wave of sadness, hopelessness, self doubts and self destructive urges have hit me hard this evening…
And so the cycle begins again……………
I awoke today at 19.15 all confused and disiorientated. I quizzed roommates on the days activities, to learn that I had lunch and dinner and was up and about.
I have no memory of any off it. Feeling out of control, feeling detached in some way, I ligatured.
I needed too, but I.cant explain it.
I’m not recovering, I’m regressinng.
And all the staff here hate me……. I annoy them.
I need out
The plan these days seems to be “keep her doped with lorazepam”
Any little sign of anxiety and BAM!!; “Loopy will you take some prn”?
I will, but so far they’ve done nothing for my mood. I’m more zombied now but still, I’m done, I’m done, I’m done.
My whoie day is spent scanning for ligature points and ways out. My mood is dark. My voice is flat, and my flaws are endless.
Your a stupid, selfish, horrible bitch loopy, and you should do the world a favour.
My thoughts are not enttirely rational. I want to die. I just want to die. I need to just do it.
I need to run, I need to run, I NEED TO RUN!!!
I’m a ball of nervous tension. I’m going stir crazy. I need to run!!!
Our little yard is the size of a frigging matchbox.. I can’t sprint there. We have a ball, but the walls are more glass than brick. I’m desperate to kick it HARD!!! What is it we me and football’s in hospital??
I sneaked in a little burn earlier, but it didn’t work. The waters not hot enough, and they’ve sequestered my straighteners so no joy there.
How on earth do I vent all this???
It bugs me that they’ve literally just printed off a booklet from another health trust, and they’ve not even attempted to adapt it, or personalise it. I get that it might be a useful tool, but it feels like an after thought, something printed randomly from the web. Plagiarised!!!!!!
Putting that aside, I will complete it. I will attempt to log my feelings, eating habits and use of not so good weight control measures. I will try.
It’s all so blah!!!!! But at least I guess, it’s a start at helping me.
It’s gone and I’m devastated. I rang voicemail this evening in the hope of hearing C. Those of you following will know that C, was my 2nd CPN. I had 2, when I lived away from home; L and C.
They were quite different in approach, but equally excellent. Some days days I miss L and some days I miss C
Today, I would give anything to hear; “hey loopy, it’s C.” She started every voicemail in the same manner, and tone. It was a clearly practiced and unwavering greeting, and when I heard it on my voicemail, I knew the cavalry had arrived. I knew someone had my back.
She was logical and caring, and honest. If C said she was going to do something, then she would do it.
I can’t believe her voicemail has been deleted. I should have saved it. I’m gutted.
It possibly sounds a little creepy, but I’m sure we can all recognise our brains ability to associate emotions with memories, experiences and sounds. C’s voice brings control, calm, support, empathy snd humour. God I wish I’d saved the voicemail!!!!
I’m absolutely falling apart. My whole journey home today was filled with thoughts of jumping in front of a car, hanging myself over the back of my office door, swallowing mounds of zopiclone….. Anything, Anything to make it stop!! I just need a moment, I need it all to just stops!!!..
I’m sick of the broken promises over here. “We’ll get you help for your eating disorder”.. “We’ve referred you to addiction services” ,”I’ll ring you back””
It’s all bullshit!! I’ve been “home” since last July. The disparity in care is shocking. We have probably the highest suicide rates in the UK, and I’m not surprised. There is no help here. There is no route to recovery, and I can’t wait any longer.
I need to talk to C……I need help. Someone, anyone, please help me
At my last psych review I half heartedly agreed to change meds. I’d slowly reduce the venlafaxine and start sertraline (keeping the quietiapine and mirtazapine).
I’d had some success with sertraline during my uni days, but then with a little time to reflect; I remembered the weight gain!!! I frantically called my CPN. “N we can’t change the meds, I won’t take them!”
Our pharmacy, who to be honest, have been struggling to keep track of my meds off late, have now dispensed the wrong ones. So tonight I have no quietiapine or mirtazapine. I’m freaking out, stupidly, freaking out!!!! How will I sleep???? What will I do???
As readers you may guess the answer to that one. I’m a wreck, and no one’s really noticed.
Today my GP insisted on a referral to secondary services The services that I’m already under the care off. It was a little bizarre, but an hour later I was called by my CPN.
The service here is rather crap. I used to have weekly appointments, a very kind ear on the phone and someone with whom I felt comfortable confiding in. God I miss C! (and L for that matter). I’d give anything to hear their reassuring voices again. They really cared, or at least it felt like they did.
Now I’m in a system that doesn’t seem to care I’m struggling, but I don’t think I’ll get much help here.
Back to work on Monday and I’m dreading it, but maybe it will help.
Would it be rude to say this to my new CPN? Would it be nasty to say it to OH?
I’m self distructing again. I know I’m losing control. I know I’m developing bad habits and dangerous behaviours. I know my mind is broken.
I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t even call any helplines as there are always people within earshot. I don’t know what to do?