It’s gone and I’m devastated. I rang voicemail this evening in the hope of hearing C. Those of you following will know that C, was my 2nd CPN. I had 2, when I lived away from home; L and C.
They were quite different in approach, but equally excellent. Some days days I miss L and some days I miss C
Today, I would give anything to hear; “hey loopy, it’s C.” She started every voicemail in the same manner, and tone. It was a clearly practiced and unwavering greeting, and when I heard it on my voicemail, I knew the cavalry had arrived. I knew someone had my back.
She was logical and caring, and honest. If C said she was going to do something, then she would do it.
I can’t believe her voicemail has been deleted. I should have saved it. I’m gutted.
It possibly sounds a little creepy, but I’m sure we can all recognise our brains ability to associate emotions with memories, experiences and sounds. C’s voice brings control, calm, support, empathy snd humour. God I wish I’d saved the voicemail!!!!
I’m absolutely falling apart. My whole journey home today was filled with thoughts of jumping in front of a car, hanging myself over the back of my office door, swallowing mounds of zopiclone….. Anything, Anything to make it stop!! I just need a moment, I need it all to just stops!!!..
I’m sick of the broken promises over here. “We’ll get you help for your eating disorder”.. “We’ve referred you to addiction services” ,”I’ll ring you back””
It’s all bullshit!! I’ve been “home” since last July. The disparity in care is shocking. We have probably the highest suicide rates in the UK, and I’m not surprised. There is no help here. There is no route to recovery, and I can’t wait any longer.
I need to talk to C……I need help. Someone, anyone, please help me
Loopy x
Tag: disordered thinking
375. The wrong meds.
At my last psych review I half heartedly agreed to change meds. I’d slowly reduce the venlafaxine and start sertraline (keeping the quietiapine and mirtazapine).
I’d had some success with sertraline during my uni days, but then with a little time to reflect; I remembered the weight gain!!! I frantically called my CPN. “N we can’t change the meds, I won’t take them!”
Our pharmacy, who to be honest, have been struggling to keep track of my meds off late, have now dispensed the wrong ones. So tonight I have no quietiapine or mirtazapine. I’m freaking out, stupidly, freaking out!!!! How will I sleep???? What will I do???
As readers you may guess the answer to that one. I’m a wreck, and no one’s really noticed.
Loopy x
363. Secondary services.
Today my GP insisted on a referral to secondary services The services that I’m already under the care off. It was a little bizarre, but an hour later I was called by my CPN.
The service here is rather crap. I used to have weekly appointments, a very kind ear on the phone and someone with whom I felt comfortable confiding in. God I miss C! (and L for that matter). I’d give anything to hear their reassuring voices again. They really cared, or at least it felt like they did.
Now I’m in a system that doesn’t seem to care I’m struggling, but I don’t think I’ll get much help here.
Back to work on Monday and I’m dreading it, but maybe it will help.
Loopy x
314. I can’t talk to you.
Would it be rude to say this to my new CPN? Would it be nasty to say it to OH?
I’m self distructing again. I know I’m losing control. I know I’m developing bad habits and dangerous behaviours. I know my mind is broken.
I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t even call any helplines as there are always people within earshot. I don’t know what to do?
Loopy x
309. A lack of support.
My new CMHT seemed great initially, but it was a facade. I feel abandoned in the wilderness. I saw my nurse last Monday, an appointment that seemed rushed and we’ve not organised the next. I really miss C, and L for that matter. Both of them took the time to listen, offer guidance and just soothe me somehow, but this new team don’t appear to care.
I’m back on sleeping pills, which I can already see is a problem and today I purchased laxatives.
I spent hours talking about and advising a friend of mine on the negatives of laxatives and the harm they do. Today in the chemist however, flashing images of my fat gut and ugly shape, convinced to me purchase.
They’re currently sat next to the hidden zopiclone in my drawer. I’ve not taken any yet, but I really want to.
Come on Loopy, you know better. Don’t do it.
Loopy x
281. A safeguarding issue.
I’ve been holding back for months. I’ve been terrified of the consequences. How can anyone ever have those thoughts?
I’ve also been terrified that on impulse, or in the depths of despair, I may react, in unimaginable ways.
Today, for the safety of my beautiful little boy, I finally shared some of my most distressing thoughts. I fear that I may hurt him. I know that on occasion I have felt the need to die, and escape this cruel existence. But my little man can’t grow up without a mum. He can’t grow up in a cruel world either, and I’ve been told over and over that when a parent dies by suicide, it has a life long impact. Should I therefore take him too?… No, No,NO, a million times NO, but I’m still fearful.
I know this is disordered irrational thinking. I know these thoughts are wrong. But I also know that I’m not always capable of rationally challenging the emotional side of my brain.
Child services will be in touch soon. What have I done???
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 