Tag: distressed

503. I want to quit.

I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want the therapy. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I want to quit counselling.

She’s lovely, but I want to run. I want to hide and I want to stay silent. I can’t do it JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I’m too pathetic. Can we just stop. I need to stop!!

It feels too raw, too uncomfortable, too hard.

I’ve never really felt like this in therapy before. Is it just too much now, whilst being a new mum. Am I already spinning too many plates or am I just scared? Scared of failure at it, scared of being silently judged, scared off saying too much……or too little.

Loopy x

498. Avoidance

I dont know why I do it, but I do. I’m starting to avoid little bubs. I’m robbing him off on Daddy. I’m lying in bed more and more.

This is what I do when I’m starting to struggle. I dont know why. I want to escape, runaway hide or whatever.

I avoid!

Maybe some people just aren’t cut out to be parents. Maybe some people should never have kids. Maybe I’m one of those people??

Damn it Loopy!

Loopy x

493. I’m bringing sexy back!!

Oh sweet jesus, I’m literally about to explode! I’ve like 8 weeks still to go!!!

Everything hurts and I mean EVERYTHING!!

I’ve had 2 iron infusions for my anaemia but I’m not feeling any benefit. I’m bloody miserable

Loopy

445. Mortality

I’m going to die young.

Regular self burning , will one day give me skin cancer. The repeated damage and neglectful care, don’t help. With skin cancer though, I guess you have a fighting chance.

Then there’s my drug use, prescribed (although I’m forgetful with it) and the non prescribed. Taking higher doses of zopiclone nightly and now using my built up stash of Valium to manage stress {work mostly] and sometimes to help stay calm with little man

The problem with all these drugs, is they are processed by our livers and our kidneys. The liver may at least fight back a little being our only organ that can regenerate itself. Let’s face it though I’m on a path to cirrhosis and renal failure. The other problem with all these meds, is their longer term effects on the nervous system. Gradual decline in nerve function, memory loss and neurodegeneratiin await.

Did I mention the Orlistat? (now that’s my pancreas gone}, and the purging. It’s sooo harsh on my guts, my oesophagus and throat. Oesophageal and colon damage, and disordered eating won’t help my nutrition state. I just crave carbs!!

To sum up, I’m always tired and am full off aches and pains, and the colour off my pee is concerning. I’m muddling along with all those things but they will kill me……..

I’m comfortable with dying young. That’s the saddest thing off all.

Loopy x

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443. I eat……

Because I’m hungry, and then I puke because I’m fat, then I eat because I’m hungry and then I puke because I’m fat…..

Realistically, how long can a person keep doing this?

Loopy x

418. The black dog.

He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.

I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.

Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.

Just go to bed!!

Loopy x

412. It’s caught me off guard.

I’ve chomped my nails, down to the stumps, I’ve binged and purged.  I’ve burned and tonight for the first time since discharge, I want to knock myself out with zopiclone and diazepam, both of which I have in my possession (not loads)

I can’t explain it but a huge wave of sadness, hopelessness, self doubts and self destructive urges have hit me hard this evening…

And so the cycle begins again……………

Loopy x 

409. I had to bring him home.

I’m out on leave from the hospital, and our plan was to see how it goes for a few days before bringing little man home from granny’s 

I’ve been low all day.  I’ve been a little weepy and lost for things to do.  I’ve contemplated downing drugs and other means.

What surprised me though, is that my heart ached for little man.  I practically begged OH to trust me, and bring him home.

At granny’s my little hero leaped out the front door, sprinted shoeless across pebbles and tarmac, and flung his arms around me.  We squeezed each other tightly and both faught back little tears.

Our relationship is a little complicated, and I need help with that but……

Little man is home where he belongs! and I must must MUST not let him down or abandon him again.

Loopy x

402. What am I doing??

I awoke today at 19.15 all confused and disiorientated.  I quizzed roommates on the days activities, to learn that I had lunch and dinner and was up and about.

I have no memory of any off it.  Feeling out of control, feeling detached in some way, I ligatured.

I needed too, but I.cant explain it.

I’m not recovering, I’m regressinng. 
And all the staff here hate me……. I annoy them.

I need out
Loopy x

400

I started this blog around 2 years ago, when I was first sectioned and subsequently admitted to a psych hospital. 

I can’t believe it’s post 400, but worse I can’t believe I’m writing this from my bed on a different psych ward.

My mood is low today.  My future hopes are well not exactly hopeful.

I’ve not seen little man in weeks (damn covid 19).  What I have seen thought is that little man and OH do well without me. 
They’ve moved back into granny’s for a bit. That’s where they belong. 
Little man deserves a happy home, and all the love and care and support that I can’t offer him.

I love you little man, but you deserve so much more.
This drug addicted, self destructive, self centred mum is no good for you.

I’m not leaving you buddy, I’m freeing you…

Loopy x