50. Mood stabilised at the wrong end of the spectrum.

For anyone following, first of all thank you.  50 posts now but I’m still on my journey to find that elusive satisfaction with life, that will stop me wanting to end it.  Just to be clear, I don’t want material things, I just want to stop hating myself.

I am now on Queitipine twice a day on top of my usual mirtazapine and twice daily diazepam. The Quieitipine should be a mood stabilizer and I am finding that yes it does indeed stabilize ones mood.  The problem is that it appears to have done so at my lowest end of the spectrum.  I’m feeling very low today.  Missed breakfast and only just got up in time for lunch being served.  I tried on like 3 T-shirts when I got up, but they were too tight. The ugly person staring back at me in the mirror, discouraged me from eating much.

I also sat in my room for a bit before leaving it for lunch breathing into a Maoam sweets plastic bag to see if I could pass out, well not quite pass out but start to feel hypoxic.  I couldn’t get a tight enough seal around my face.  I need a bigger bag.

I barely slept last night, maybe that’s why I’m being odd today.

Loopy x.


21. An antipsychotic!

Well doesn’t that sound terrifying. Today it was suggested that we add Quetiapine to my daily cocktail.  The first thing listed in the BNF is for the treatment of Schizophrenia.  Ok I know that it’s not been indicated here for such reasons, it’s been indicated in a low dose to I guess stabilise my mood.

The problem off course with adding  more mood stabilising type meds is that pretty much all off them cause an increased appetite.  I was already binging and then compensating by purging on mirtazapine before coming in here so I worry about adding another hunger inducing drug into the mix.

I have a genuine fear of weight gain and already feel very self concious about my rolls. I was ill a couple of weeks ago with a stomach bug and my mothers kind words were “well at least you may lose a few pounds” Also trust me, Albinism is bad enough but an obese albino, well lets just say I couldn’t live with myself.

Loopy x.