Tag: drugs

499. A truck load

I’ve not really been sleeping and it was starting to reach crisis point. My psych consultant offered sleeping pills. I was shocked!

Long term followers will know that I previously battled a zopiclone addiction. I was buying it online, consuming 4,5,6,7………. pills at a time.

I was longing for addiction help, but it never came. I did it on my own. I quit. Stopped searching for them stopped buying them and to some extent stopped craving them.

The truth is you never really get completely over an addiction. You battle with it. Want to turn to it when you’re down, angry, lost and tired.

My psych offered me zopiclone. I said no. How about zolpidem? I reluctantly said yes.

The pills sat untouched on my dresser for a few nights. I was scared to take them………..then I did

I love that feeling, need that feeling, want more of that feeling! Now I’m scared for when the prescription will end.

I’m looking online, I’m craving them. I want to take a box full. I want to buy a truck load!!!

I need them!!!!!

Damn it loopy!!!!

Damn it psych!!!!!

Loopy x

452. Am I finally off it?

It’s been about 4 weeks now since I last gulped-down a zopiclone tab.

This is huge!!!! I’m still struggling with sleep, still trying to find the right dose of Prazosin, but oh my god, I’m rather proud of myself!!

Keep going Loopy!!

448. Withdrawel.

It turns out that my latest key worker/care coordinator is pretty good. I like her. She’s the first I’ve really like since moving home.

Anyway, she arranged a psych/meds review. I was asked the usual question. What would help you, what do you want to get out of this?

The drugs!!! I blurted out. I need to sort the drugs. So I’ve been switched from zopiclone to temazepam at night.

It’s only been 4 nights, but please please PLEASE, I need my zopiclone back. The temazepam gives me jitters, headaches and is no good for sleep.

The 10mg in comparison with the 18.75 of zopiclone, is just not cutting the mustard. I’m all tense, and anxious and jittery during the day. I’m regretting asking for the change

Plus swapping a z drug for a benzo isn’t exactly progress really, is it

In other news, I’ve found a lump. Off to the breast clinic this week. The Joy’s 😦

Loopy x

441. Getting desperate!!

I’m frantically searching uk websites for pills. I’m-desperately trying to find a legit pharmacy that’s flouting the rules. I need to feed my habit.

India is calling, but I can’t go there again. Don’t do it loopy.

DON’T DO IT. I need help……..

Loopy x

415. A better place.

I don’t precisely know why, but I’m feeling better. I think my combo of meds is working.  I think the good weather is uplifting and I think I’m gaining confidence with little man. 
I need now to wean off my zopiclone and diazepam but I’ve been doing it slowly since coming home from hospital.  I’ve not self harmed in ages, and I’ve not been purging anywhere near as much as usual.

I’m just in a better place, and it feels good.  I hope I can sustain this and have more good days  

Now if I could only sort out my sleep. The meds combo is working during the day, but oh my word I’m having night terrors! and incredibly scratchy painful dry eyes.

One day at a time Loopy.  You’ll read this saying alot as it is my new mantra.

Loopy x

367. Murder.

I wonder what it feels like……to murder. Don’t worry folks, this is not some declaration of descent into psychopathy, but it is on my mind.

Irish media reports at the moment are filled with the tragic discovery of a 17 year old boy. This however was not some standard stabbing, or scuffle that got out of hand. It was the brutal dismemberment of a young man’s body, limbs discovered in a duffle bag, head discovered in a burnt out car, and a torso, to my knowledge, yet to be reclaimed.

I can kind off understand crimes of passion, emotions running high as the red mist decends. I can empathise with murder caused in self defence. Crime lords whacking people with a gun shot, to assert authority, is off course ethically questionable but still, in a sense humane.

This however was something else. A drugs feud that has resulted in unspeakable horror. It was calculated, planned, ordered by some high almighty, but the brutality beggars belief.

How can someone inflict such torture on another human being? What sort of twisted mindset enables you to carry on, as your victim begs for their life, roaring in unimaginable pain. How can they possibly live with themselves knowing what they have done?

He was a child. A young lad on the cusp of adulthood, who found himself amongst thugs, who probably revelled a little in having wads of cash.

But ultimately he was someone’s “little man” I’m shocked..

Loopy x

348. How do I stop?

I need help. My daily zopiclone usage is back to 15mg and rising. I’m craving the knock out effect. I’m craving the mind fog and slowed thoughts. When I’m alert at night, my mind races. It attacks me. It tells me I’m ugly, and stupid and useless. It tells me I’ll fail.

So I pop a zopiclone, which then rises to 2, and to 3, and to 4. I’ve been here before. How do I stop??

Added to this, is my daily ritual of throwing up my dinner. If it weren’t for the smell, I’d also do lunch, but I can’t easily purge at work. I hate my gut and yet the pounds keep creeping on. The scales register heavier and heavier. So I puke, but it has no effect.

How do I stop?

I wish someone would help me.

Loopy x

313. Orange!!!

This one’s a bit gross………

So it’s day 4 of orlistat use. It has certainly kicked in. If you’re ever tempted to try it, or you’re prescribed it; be warned!!

If your diet contains alot of fat (like mine as it turns out), your poop will be orange!!! Not some kind off; hmmm is it brown, is it red? No it’s bright frigging orange!!!!

I’m determined to lose weight. I’ve done it before, so I can do it again. I know I shouldn’t be using orlistat, I know I should address my diet, I know there are healthier ways to do this. But right now I’m proud of thus evenings walk, this evenings cycle and dare I say it; my orange poop.

Loopy x

312. A phone reminder.

I’d forgotten, but months ago I’d set a reminder on my phone. It was a message that said; “contact L for coffee”. It would possibly have been inappropriate, but I’d have tried anyway, had I still lived in England.

Regular followers will know that L was my CPN during my first hospital admission and subsequent discharge. She was someone who excelled at her job, and someone who I truely relied on. She was awesome! Her move to a new job, hit me a little hard and took some time to adjust to. In all honesty she pops into my head from time to time, and I catch myself asking; “what would L say?”

I’d set this reminder in the hope that by the time it popped up, I’d be aceing life, I’d have found the right balance between work and family and be happily able to regail her with tails of how I’d turned my life around (whether she was actually interested or not).

Indeed I’ve made huge life changes, though their fruitfullness is yet to be realised. I’m not aceing life, and once again I’m hiding things from OH.

It’s day 3 of orlistat usage, and yesterday I discussed addiction help with my latest CPN, due to my current reliance on zopiclone. I’m also not happy with my new CMHT. Discussions are rushed, the nurse doesn’t take any notes and I keep having to repeat myself. They don’t ring when they say they will, and I’m left chasing support, with no sign of it ever coming. They honestly don’t seem to care.

I’d give anything to have L back right now. I want to message her on Facebook, but I’ll resist.

Don’t be creepy loopy…..

Loopy x

244. The playlist.

Last night at the gym, I hit play on my “insane” playlist. These were the tunes that I had listened to daily whilst confined to a psych ward.

As I pumped hard on the cross trainer my mind travelled back to that place and honestly I longed to be there again. Just for a night or two, just to get a break from reality and life. Just to be surrounded with amazing support staff and nurses who care and listen, and nurture.

There are some I’d love to chat with again, some I need to tell me off, and others I just want back in my life.

I can see why people, go in and out. I can understand the desires to self harm sufficiently to be ‘re-incarcerated.” I can understand why in lieu of a proper suicide attempt, it could be tempting. It could be one more try at finding the help you need.

Just a few nights to escape, to force me to give up sleeping pills, to ban me from self harming and comfort me while I do.

Not going to happen though

Loopy x.