Last night at the gym, I hit play on my “insane” playlist. These were the tunes that I had listened to daily whilst confined to a psych ward.
As I pumped hard on the cross trainer my mind travelled back to that place and honestly I longed to be there again. Just for a night or two, just to get a break from reality and life. Just to be surrounded with amazing support staff and nurses who care and listen, and nurture.
There are some I’d love to chat with again, some I need to tell me off, and others I just want back in my life.
I can see why people, go in and out. I can understand the desires to self harm sufficiently to be ‘re-incarcerated.” I can understand why in lieu of a proper suicide attempt, it could be tempting. It could be one more try at finding the help you need.
Just a few nights to escape, to force me to give up sleeping pills, to ban me from self harming and comfort me while I do.
Not going to happen though
I feel like I’m pregnant again. To be clear, I am not!
My head aches, I’ve thrown up (not deliberately) and I’m on edge. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.
On a side note, I’m worried about my future drug supply. Today I had my first online prescription rejection. I can apparently try again in 3 months. I’ve exhausted all the half reputable dealers and by that I mean the ones that appear less dodgy.
Today I came across bulk ordering from clearly questionable sites. I can buy hundreds of pills, but god knows what’s in them.
The trouble is, my desperation is rendering me tempted.
I need help.
For anyone not following regularly, I have previously blogged about my concerns over the supply of prescriptiion only medications that can be obtained with ease through online pharmacies. It was this ease of purchase that almost killed me.
I’ve written to the PM, department of health and just today I received a phone call from the GPhC (UK pharmacy regulator).
Now I have a bit of an ethical dilemma. Do I give them consent to raise my concerns and personal data with the companies involved and thus in all likelihood stop my supply source or do I withold consent, allowing them only to vaguely carry out their investigations.
In truth the issue is with the prescribing of these meds which does not come under the remit of the GPhC. The GPhC could however update their policies to improve the safety of prescribing such meds.
On one hand, I’m not quite ready yet to cut off my own supply, but on the other, I do not wish for any other vulnerable person to succeed in the way that I almost did.
I’ve just logged into my personal email account for the first time in a couple of weeks and glaring back at me was the banner; “10% off your next order”.
Using the seemingly charming celebrity Dr. Christian Jessen as their poster boy! (surely he can’t really be affiliated with this high risk venture); Dear loopy, for being such a loyal customer we would like to offer you 10% off your next suicide attempt.
Oddly I was only chatting about the unregulated online pharmacy market earlier, and it’s dangers.
The last thing I need right now is such tempatations…………… I’m feeling a little vulnerable…………………
(Now added to my To Do list; Contact Dr. Jessen directly about this…)
Today I’m weak, hungover and can barely stand.. Today I feel like I have no skeleton supporting me. Today I’ve cried into my pillow again and even during a check it went unnoticed. Today I’m struggling to keep myself safe. I wish someone would ask “Are you o.k?” and when I say “yup” know that I’m lying. Know that I need to talk. Know that I’m screaming out for help today but no one can hear me.
Is it the higher dose of quetiapine doing this to me?