418. The black dog.

He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.

I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.

Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.

Just go to bed!!

Loopy x

415. A better place.

I don’t precisely know why, but I’m feeling better. I think my combo of meds is working.  I think the good weather is uplifting and I think I’m gaining confidence with little man. 
I need now to wean off my zopiclone and diazepam but I’ve been doing it slowly since coming home from hospital.  I’ve not self harmed in ages, and I’ve not been purging anywhere near as much as usual.

I’m just in a better place, and it feels good.  I hope I can sustain this and have more good days  

Now if I could only sort out my sleep. The meds combo is working during the day, but oh my word I’m having night terrors! and incredibly scratchy painful dry eyes.

One day at a time Loopy.  You’ll read this saying alot as it is my new mantra.

Loopy x

408. Home again

6 weeks on a psych ward and pretty much zero improvement.  I’m out on leave until Tuesday and then I’ll be discharged. 

Basically we all recognised that the stay was off no benefit, and without being allowed to burn, my use of ligatures just escalated. 

So I’m back home, on a ridiculous regimen of meds, and little hope going forward.  How do I get help here? How do I get better? How on earth will I cope when little man comes home from granny’s on Sunday.


I am happy to be back in my own bed though, with no restrictions and OH’s arms wrapped tightly around me.

Loopy x

403. Getting the boot.

I’ll be flung out tomorrow
I suspect.  All the nurses hate me   I’m difficult and I keep trying to ligature to stop my thoughts and to end it all.


In their eyes I’m putting us all at risk off corona virus. 
The staff find me, Rip the ligature off and the bolt.  I’m not even asked if I’m ok, but I have now had 3 bollockings for it.

I can’t help it.  All I want is to die and allow my boys to.continue their happy lives without me.

I don’t want to be albino and visually umosired anymore.  I don’t want to fail at work.  I don’t want to get fat.  I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror and continue to hate the image staring back.

I’m a horrible, selfish person, which this world
could do without. 

No one can help me and apparently “your not trying hard wbough”
I am though but I’m done

Loopy x

399. It’s all go!!

I’m on a psych ward, eyeing up ligature points, and trying to find a gap to do it.

OH has done his back in.
Sis in law is away into labour…. and did someone mention a wee virus floating about.

I’m so fucking selfish. I want to hang. I want to pass out and not wake up.
There are two many things to solve and I’m making no progress here.

Although they do keep me rather sedated.  Yup give the addict yet more pills!!! That will help, NOT!

Loopy x

394. A hanging..

I tried, but i fell short.  This evening I locked my bathroom door, tied pj bottoms around the shower curtain rail, and threw some knots around my neck.  I’d almost got it perfect. 
But then the cavalry arrived. 
I though I’d have more time. Checks here are scarse at best. Now my clothes have been removed and cupboards cleared.  I’ll try again, I’m sure of it.


I’ve come to the very sad realisation that it’s not OH and little man who’d be better off without me.  It’s me, it’s me, it’s me who needs to go. I can’t continue any longer pretending to be smashing life when in fact it’s crushing me….

That little voice in my head, “run fatty run, puke fatty puke,  burn ugly burn, your a failure, your a waste of space, you difficult and selfish and horrid.  Die damn it, do us all a favour and die!!!

Loopy x

393. Oh mother!

“You dont want to be losing that nice figure now, when you do have it”
“You don’t want to be piling that weight back on”

Seriously!!!! Why the hell do I answer my phone…

I’ve already thrown up lunch today.  It was too starchy (baked potato).  I’m feeling dehydrated and I’m tired. 

On the bright side, I’ve finally seen a psychologist.  It’s a start I guess.

Loopy x