321. Am I so repulsive?

We don’t sleep together much, OH and I. It’s a combination of his low libido and my new found depression induced self hatred and lack of confidence.

I bring it up occasionally, and last Thursday night during pillow talk, I suggested that tonight (saturday) we’d have some scheduled sexy time. The only caveat was that he must make the moves. He agreed.

Tonight we’ve gone to bed a little early. He’s climbed in, turned his back to me and is now spark out. It’s an all too familiar story. It’s one that crushes me every time.

Am I so ugly and undesirable? Am I really that repulsive???

I shall just knock myself out instead.

Loopy x

320. It crackled and fizzed.

It has been quite a while now since I’ve held hot irons against my arm, but I could hold it off no longer, and tonight the little sounds created by melting flesh, where my reward. The pain, too, brings a sort of comfort that I still don’t fully understand.

My current meds regimen is as follows;

Venlafaxine am 75mg, quietiapine pm 300mg, mirtazapine pm 30mg, zopiclone (self medicating) pm 7.5mg, orlistat (self medicating) with meals 120mg. I should also be taking propranolol 20 mg twice a day, but I’m not. I’m stock piling, I guess it’s a kind of back up plan. Enough off that and my heart will stop!!!

I need to talk to someone, but there’s no one to listen.

Loopy x.

319. Falling apart

I can’t explain it, but an overwhelming feeling off hopelessness and sadness has washed over me today, and released my eye valves. Its been building up for weeks.

I was diagnosed with BPD (EUPD) a few months back and I would have been given support but since moving home I’ve been dropped like a lead balloon. I’m depressed, anxious, stressed, angry, hopeless and scared all rolled into one.

I’m getting no help, no support and no hope. I’m not fit to work but I start soon. I’m not fit to think straight or look after myself without feeling huge pressure. I’m just not fit.

Im about to blow!!!

Loopy x

318. Wide awake

It’s a horrible feeling, when you crawl into bed after a looooong day, and BAM! your head hits the pillow and you’re wide awake.

My mind starts over analysing the events of the day, it worries incessantly about possible future outcomes, and tick tock, tick tock, I begin counting the minutes until I must get up again….

It’s the reason I’m craving zopiclone as I type this. I’m trying to cut back… just 3.5mg tonight…

I wish I had some help. I wish I had support. I wish I had L or C again but no, I’m alone with this. My new CMHT have pretty much abandoned me.

It’s going to be a late one 😦

Loopy x

316. Pier jumping.

I grew up by the sea. My youth was spent searching rock pools, climbing cliffs and swimming. Lots of swimming!

We were fearless; my cousins and I. Unphased by waves, or currents, or jellyfish!!

During our teenage years, we’d sneak off to secluded beaches to party and drink. We’d frequently huh hum; “borrow” the lifeguards kayaks.

Anyone regularly following will know that a terrible scuba diving accident robbed me of my courage and joy. It robbed me off my love for the sea.

This evening however, I squeezed into a wet suit, cast the flashbacks and apprehension aside; and took my son, my niece and my nephew pier jumping!! Neither can swim, but with new wetsuits and life jackets, and myself to protect them, their courage soon flourished. By the time we left for home, my niece; 8, was leaping with the confidence of a seasoned pro. My nephew; 5, ducked his head under and ventured ever further from the steps, with the odd helping hand from myself. My little man; nearly 3 would frigging leap himself but thankfully he was fearful of the seaweed.

I had fun, and I will certainly be making it a regular activity.

I’m a little proud of myself this evening.

Loopy x

315. Mixed fortunes.

This morning I got the call; “We were impressed, we’d like to offer you the job” I couldn’t believe it! How on earth have I just managed to get a senior lecturer position!!! Will I cope??? F$%k it, I must at least try.

OH started his new job today. His fortunes weren’t so good. He hates it. Not just new starter nerves, but a genuine, depression inducing, cannot do this a minute longer hatred. I felt so sorry for him this evening. In truth I could see it coming. He showed no enthusiasm during his training, and zero excitement at the prospect of starting. He’ll likely quit tomorrow; and he has my full support in that.

It’s been an odd day.

Loopy x

313. Orange!!!

This one’s a bit gross………

So it’s day 4 of orlistat use. It has certainly kicked in. If you’re ever tempted to try it, or you’re prescribed it; be warned!!

If your diet contains alot of fat (like mine as it turns out), your poop will be orange!!! Not some kind off; hmmm is it brown, is it red? No it’s bright frigging orange!!!!

I’m determined to lose weight. I’ve done it before, so I can do it again. I know I shouldn’t be using orlistat, I know I should address my diet, I know there are healthier ways to do this. But right now I’m proud of thus evenings walk, this evenings cycle and dare I say it; my orange poop.

Loopy x