418. The black dog.

He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.

I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.

Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.

Just go to bed!!

Loopy x

416. On bad days.

On days like this, I want to stay in bed.  I want to avoid the world and be alone.  I blog on bad days.
Here’s the thing though. I’ve had more good days lately, than bad.  I should be writing about those.

This past week I’ve been reducing my zopiclone and diazepam usage. I’ve been playing with and loving little man.  I’ve been productive work wise, and have even 99% landed an external examiner post.  I’ve been on my bike, I’ve been cuddling with OH.  I’ve been having argument free chats with dearest sister.  I’ve been puking less and no self harm.  I’ve been doing well.

The reality here is that, to some extent COVID lockdown is giving me breathing space, a chance to bond, a chance to reset.

Today was a bad day, but the week has been good.

Focus on the good!!!
Loopy x

412. It’s caught me off guard.

I’ve chomped my nails, down to the stumps, I’ve binged and purged.  I’ve burned and tonight for the first time since discharge, I want to knock myself out with zopiclone and diazepam, both of which I have in my possession (not loads)

I can’t explain it but a huge wave of sadness, hopelessness, self doubts and self destructive urges have hit me hard this evening…

And so the cycle begins again……………

Loopy x 

409. I had to bring him home.

I’m out on leave from the hospital, and our plan was to see how it goes for a few days before bringing little man home from granny’s 

I’ve been low all day.  I’ve been a little weepy and lost for things to do.  I’ve contemplated downing drugs and other means.

What surprised me though, is that my heart ached for little man.  I practically begged OH to trust me, and bring him home.

At granny’s my little hero leaped out the front door, sprinted shoeless across pebbles and tarmac, and flung his arms around me.  We squeezed each other tightly and both faught back little tears.

Our relationship is a little complicated, and I need help with that but……

Little man is home where he belongs! and I must must MUST not let him down or abandon him again.

Loopy x

408. Home again

6 weeks on a psych ward and pretty much zero improvement.  I’m out on leave until Tuesday and then I’ll be discharged. 

Basically we all recognised that the stay was off no benefit, and without being allowed to burn, my use of ligatures just escalated. 

So I’m back home, on a ridiculous regimen of meds, and little hope going forward.  How do I get help here? How do I get better? How on earth will I cope when little man comes home from granny’s on Sunday.


I am happy to be back in my own bed though, with no restrictions and OH’s arms wrapped tightly around me.

Loopy x

407. An unhelpful stay.

I’ve been in hospital.now for just over 5 weeks, and I feel no better now than the day I came in.
I’ve made no progress, learned nothing new about myself and I have no hope that I will ever live content. 

COVID 19 hasn’t helped.  No visitors, no occupational therapy, no on ward activities..nothing…

The ward sister has called me ridiculous very loudly and with venum in her tone on the few occasions that I’ve ligatured, and not once has she asked if I’m ok.

The nurses generally are nice, but limited in what they can do. 

I do occasionally play with an old battered wilson (see pic), but the yard is tiny and the nurses don’t endure the noise for very long.

This stay isn’t like the others   The levels of empathy and encourgment are much lower than my last two stays.

I’m lost, and I need out.

Loopy x

404. Blue in the face.

Literally….. tonight I hid in our laundry room, tied pj bottoms tight around my neck and I waited.

I waited for the throbbing head, the pulsing in my neck, my closing puffy eyes and unconsciousness. 

I was found, quickly untangled and checked over.  The urge has been building all day.  I had earlier spoken with a nurse and asked her to remove items.

The tipping point though, was dinner after which I felt fat far fat, so puked also losing my lorazepam. Already anxious and tense I rang little man to say good night. 

The call upset me.  He’s changing, growling up and growing used to life without me.  He and OH do well without me.

The path ahead feels monsterouus, and my reserves are low. 

I must stop self destructing. I’m ruining all our lives.

Loopy x