279. The interview!

Today was D day. At 2.20 I recieved the Skype call, and was faced with a panel of 5! I was grilled!!!

I’ve come away exhausted, sure I haven’t got it, but I’m not deflated. I’ve done incredibly well to do this, the day after discharge from a psych hospital. It has given me courage to apply again.

You did well loopy. Be proud of yourself no matter the outcome.

Loopy

275. I’m getting out.

Today we discussed my liberation from this place. I’ll be discharged on Monday provided weekend leave goes well.

I’m not quite as terrified as the last time I was released from a hospital, but the jitters have hit a little. All off a sudden life has coming hurtling towards me once again. I’ve had a couple of really effective psychology sessions in here though. I’ll miss him.

For the first time ever, someone has properly unpicked me and more importantly enabled to to gain an understanding of why I think and behave the way I do. Since my last overdose we’ve been reintroducing all my meds. Today I told them to halt at the lower doses. I think I feel better at these levels.

Loopy you are enough!!! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

Loopy x

274. No more new faces.

Something psychologically very strange has happened. My world has run out off new faces and it’s freaking me out.

I noticed something very odd whilst on the critical care ward following my latest overdose. The ward was staffed with old friends and colleagues. The voices and faces were identical to ones I’d met before.

The truth off course is that this was not the case, but my mind played some odd trick on me and it has not yet resolved itself.

Loopy x

272. Stop going to an empty well looking for water.

These were the words that I heard today, when talking to a doc on the ward.

She was spot on. Why do I keep seeking support and approval from people who are incapable off it.

I must look elsewhere, and accept that some people simply lack the capacity to fulfill my emotional needs.

Loopy x

269. Restless legs.

My foot has been tapping relentlessly this past few days. I could give Michael Flatley a run for his money.

When I try to restrict it/ hold it still, a wave of tension moves through my whole body causing me to clench and squeeze my limbs awkwardly. People keep telling me it’s anxiety, but I don’t believe it is. I blame my pills.

They won’t give me any PRN at all. It’s incredibly frustrating and making me want to burn, to take the edge off.

Loopy x

267. Finally opened up, but….

I was promptly shut down again.

It’s been over 2 weeks. 2 weeks off sizing people up. 2 weeks of them all telling me I need to talk more. 2 weeks of nervous silence.

Today I finally picked my confidante. I thought my named nurse would be a sensabke chouce. For a few minutes I poured my heart out. Just a few minutes later I heard; “would you mind going to the other ward loopy?”

Seriously!!!! And worse it poured from the lips of the nurse I’d just confided in.

Bam, slap in the face!!!! Another cruel rejection!

Loopy x

264. It’s not that simple.

The doc in here is too black and white. “You need a plan loopy” “you need to quit something”

He’s not seeing “me”. I’m so much more than just an over tired working mum. I’m a self loathing mess, crippled with self hatred and self doubts. I have a complex past that has shaped who I am today. I am not black and white I am different shades of grey.. only grey.

They’re all dying to discharge me. They can’t see what I and my CPN can see, I need more help. I need to be moved to the ward with the clock. They had more empathy, more compassion and gave more of themselves to understanding “me”

Having said that, I’m being unfair. The staff do try but I’m not comfortable enough yet to open up.

I need to ligature. If I’m lucky, I’ll pass out.

Loopy x