What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
I dont know why I do it, but I do. I’m starting to avoid little bubs. I’m robbing him off on Daddy. I’m lying in bed more and more.
This is what I do when I’m starting to struggle. I dont know why. I want to escape, runaway hide or whatever.
I avoid!
Maybe some people just aren’t cut out to be parents. Maybe some people should never have kids. Maybe I’m one of those people??
Damn it Loopy!
Loopy x
I scoffed, I puked and I wept. Scoffed some more, puked some more and wept some more.
Tonight my arm is scorched white. I want to use an iron, a clothes iron, but I’ve resisted. Hair straighteners brought that wonderful sense of calm. The pain is so intense, that the calm feels all that sweeter.
I’m disgusting, I’m ugly and I stink. Literally stink. Bathing has felt all too much lately.
I want to buy Liraglutide. The Orlistat simply isn’t cutting the mustard.
Oh well.
Loopy x
I blog during the intervals. But first I ran down stairs for some comfort food. I need it!!
The drawing above is an iceberg we were asked to sketch down. They’re a big fan of journaling. Below the surface are my instant thoughts about what might have led to my disordered eating. Note I’m a comfort eater.
It’s a bit scrawled so I’ll type them here.
1. I feel ugly.
2. Someone died because off me.
3. Mum wanted “normal” children.
4 . Thin is good, fat is bad.
5. I’m a terrible mum.
6. Fat albinos look worse than thin ones.
7. When I purge more, I burn less (oh that ones caught me off guard!, dunno where that came from.)
8. Thinner feels better.
I’m exhausted, it feels very raw and it’s bedtime now. Oh I’d love some zopiclone!! Or a burn, or a purge or all of these things. I think I have a sneaky box off Z’s somewhere.
On a final note, and this might offend some, which is not my intent, but they’ve been pushing “faith’ again this week. It spurts from their mouths sporadically, and everyone except me seems to be receptive to it. It’s making me feel like the “black sheep”
We were asked to think off someone we’d love to meet or go on a walk with. My head was screaming; the founder of the theory of evolution. But his name escaped me. Off course; Charles Darwin!! You know this Loopy, but it’s probably best that you forgot. I said nothing…….
Loopy x 😦
I’m an awful, awful AWFUL parent. I’m not sleeping, I’m tired and I’m short tempered. Today has been hell! It started with pure child neglect on my part. Little man was coughing so couldn’t go to preschool.
He got up at his usual 7am. OH was working, and I was in bed. Little man took himself downstairs. I could hear him, as all the doors were open, but I could not muster any energy to join him. I’m not sleeping. I’ve been zopiclone free now for almost two weeks. we briefly tried temazepam, but then we switched to prazosin. It’s prescribed off label for PTSD type presentations, to supposedly aid with sleep. It does fuck all.
Anyway about half 8 I dragged myself downstairs and little man, who is only 3 (nearly 4) had made his own breakfast, poured a bowel of cornflakes, added some milk, and successfully chopped up strawberries and blueberries with a sharp knife from our kitchen drawer. To be fair the mess was minimal, the chopped up fruit were fine, and there were no severed fingers or anything.
I felt sad though, worthless, unprotective, uncaring, and neglectful. My 3 year old is more capable and self sufficient than me at the moment. He deserves better. He needs someone other than me in his life. I’m going to damage him. I’ve already damaged him.
You’d think that such a stark realisation this morning, would spur me on to do better, for the rest off the day. You’d think I’d play with him, give him love and care, but no. Today I couldn’t stand to be around him. Today every laugh, or shout or cry for attention grated on me terribly. Today I fobbed him off with good old parent iPad.
I just want him to go to bed now. I want him to shut up. I want the noise to stop!!!
I can’t face another day tomorrow.
Loopy x
I’ve been struggling. In truth I’m stressed with work,and when I’m stressed, I quickly lose my ability to cope.
OH is working a long day, so it’s just been me and little man. I found it hard to cope. I shoved my eyepad before his eye as much as I could. I avoided him, I grew frustrated with him, and in turn he grew whiney, and clingy.
Its not his fault, it’s mine. So this evening I’ve given in to temptation, I’ve done what I needed to do, to get me through today.
It hurts now. Why do I do this to myself.
Loopy x
I’ve caused so much stress and fear and worry. I had no idea, I still had followers from my previous location.
At about 5am thus morning, OH rolled me over and whispered softly; “loopy there’s a police man here to talk to you” My instant thought was oh crap, I’m being arrested for possession!!
But no, he was here to check on my wellbeing.. He was here because someone identified a risk, and they acted on it. He was here because someone cares.
You know who you are. (I wish I did too, so that I could call or email you, thank you, and reassure you that I’m ok.). I wish you were still involved with my care.
I’m not really ok, but this whole episode has prompted OH into action, it has prompted me to be more aware of the impacts of my actions. I spoke last night to teary parents, and a cousin that the police had traced in efforts to find me. I awoke to a phone inundated with missed calls and messages.
I’m going to demand more help. I’m going to check out private care. I’m going to somehow get through the next few days.
Whoever you are, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
Loopy x
It’s gone and I’m devastated. I rang voicemail this evening in the hope of hearing C. Those of you following will know that C, was my 2nd CPN. I had 2, when I lived away from home; L and C.
They were quite different in approach, but equally excellent. Some days days I miss L and some days I miss C
Today, I would give anything to hear; “hey loopy, it’s C.” She started every voicemail in the same manner, and tone. It was a clearly practiced and unwavering greeting, and when I heard it on my voicemail, I knew the cavalry had arrived. I knew someone had my back.
She was logical and caring, and honest. If C said she was going to do something, then she would do it.
I can’t believe her voicemail has been deleted. I should have saved it. I’m gutted.
It possibly sounds a little creepy, but I’m sure we can all recognise our brains ability to associate emotions with memories, experiences and sounds. C’s voice brings control, calm, support, empathy snd humour. God I wish I’d saved the voicemail!!!!
I’m absolutely falling apart. My whole journey home today was filled with thoughts of jumping in front of a car, hanging myself over the back of my office door, swallowing mounds of zopiclone….. Anything, Anything to make it stop!! I just need a moment, I need it all to just stops!!!..
I’m sick of the broken promises over here. “We’ll get you help for your eating disorder”.. “We’ve referred you to addiction services” ,”I’ll ring you back””
It’s all bullshit!! I’ve been “home” since last July. The disparity in care is shocking. We have probably the highest suicide rates in the UK, and I’m not surprised. There is no help here. There is no route to recovery, and I can’t wait any longer.
I need to talk to C……I need help. Someone, anyone, please help me
Loopy x
It’s official, I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. I’m honestly disgusting. When I lay on my side, I can feel a cushion of squidgy horribleness where my hip bones used to be.
I know why this has happened, a combinatiin of binging, lack of excercise and poor diet has culminated in grotesque lipid deposits, eveeywhere!!! Orlistat can’t compesate for this.
I need to hit the gym! I need to hit it now!!
Loopy x
This is it Loopy. You have to perform, you have to impress, YOU HAVE TO SMASH IT!!
We have a school review and various curriculum reviews coming up at work. I used to know people in charge of making these things a success. Now as Senior Lecturer, I am that person.
I need to prepare paperwork, I need to know our courses inside out, and when put before the interrogation panels, in a few weeks, I need to impress!
My head is screaming run away!! My head is screaming; ‘you will fail!!”
I’m not good enough. I’m stressed and scared. My prospects, my career and passing my probation depend on this.
I want to burn. I want to down some zopiclone, and I want to hide.
Come in Loopy, you CAN do this!!!
Loopy x
Let’s be honest. There is no such thing as a harmless purge. My scientific brain is screaming; tooth decay!! vocal chord damage!! throat sores!! bloating!! digestive problems!! bad, bad, BAD!!!
But then I look in the mirror. I see fat and buldges, and yuck! I remember all the calories I’ve binged on. I’m ugly, I’m ugly, I’m UGLY!!!!
Now my mouth is dry and sore.
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 