What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
I dont know why I do it, but I do. I’m starting to avoid little bubs. I’m robbing him off on Daddy. I’m lying in bed more and more.
This is what I do when I’m starting to struggle. I dont know why. I want to escape, runaway hide or whatever.
I avoid!
Maybe some people just aren’t cut out to be parents. Maybe some people should never have kids. Maybe I’m one of those people??
Damn it Loopy!
Loopy x
Oh sweet jesus, I’m literally about to explode! I’ve like 8 weeks still to go!!!
Everything hurts and I mean EVERYTHING!!
I’ve had 2 iron infusions for my anaemia but I’m not feeling any benefit. I’m bloody miserable
Loopy
I’ve always loved dogs. I’ve really missed not having one. They’re so adorable and therapeutic. I’m also impulsive and a little obsessive. I get an idea in my head and can’t let it go until I’ve bought it. Yup you’ve guessed it. Say hi to Murphy……
He’s an 8 week old Jack Russell and we’re all totally in love with him, myself, OH and little man.
Welcome to the family Murphy man.
Loopy
Today was our big 20 week scan. These are always a bit nerve wracking, more so today than with my first. I think I had talked myself into the notion that something must be wrong. After all the stuff I’ve been up to, and with depression and meds etc, I was just worried. I’ve also not been feeling any movements which I certainly should be by now, given it’s a 2nd baby.
Well the first thing we saw was a very active little baba, punching away and kicking, and pouting. It is certainly moving. Then we did the usual; heart, head, kidneys, spine etc and I’m happy to report that all looks as it should. What a weight lifted!!
Now the big reveal…………………………………….
It’s a boy!!
Mum and sis are just a little disappointed, but I’m delighted to be honest. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m far from a girly girl, more content with footballs, tools and nerf guns!!
Another little man, 🙂
Loopy x
I have low self esteem. I often see the very very worst in myself. I didn’t know that as part of my discharge/care plan that OH had agreed that I would have no unsupervised contact with little man.
OH didn’t actually tell me, but I’ve had several follow up calls from various professionals who kindly dropped this little bombshell on me. I don’t think OH was ever going to tell me.
When you feel like the crappest mum in the entire world, and then you’re told; ‘we don’t want you to be alone with your son” , it’s quite frankly devastating, heartbreaking and a real kick in the gut.
I would never ever ever put my little man in harms way. I’ll jump through whatever hoops I need to, to get my life back on track, but sorry social services, this is just cruel!!
Where was all this “help’ and ‘support’ this past 12 months when I’ve been literally crying out for it?
Loopy x
just good training?
Little man is 4, and I reckon he’s a pretty damn competent 4 year old. I heard him rattling about downstairs today and I’ll be honest, I ignored him. He’s always rattling about.
Eventually I went down. “What are you doing wee man?…”Mammy, I’m making an apple pie. He made a good start I reckon. Got himself a sharp knife from the drawer, grabbed the fruit bowel and began chopping!!
It’s not the first time, I’ve caught him with the knives, and I’ll be honest, I don’t panic or snatch them off him. What I will do is stand and watch as he cuts, and daddy does that too. Bananas are easy, oranges well the skin is tricky but he did it, and cutting apples, well little man that shows some damn good skills right there. Ps this was all chopped before I caught him.
One things for sure, he’ll never go hungry.
Loopy
It’s great news, it really is. We don’t want to get our hopes up just yet. I’ve not had a great track record with pregnancies, but oh my god; I’m preggers!
I’m cautiously excited, but probably equally scared. I need a meds review ASAP.!!
That’s it Loopy: No more drugs, no more purging, no more self destruction!
Dump the Saxenda and the Orlistat. Throw out that box of zopiclone you found. Don’t burn, don’t panic and don’t keep beating yourself up. You’ve got this!
We’re in shock really. Despite my worries and fears, I’ve always said I’d like little man to have a sibling.
Hold on in there little one, and I’ll do my best to keep you safe.
Loopy x
I know for many that this year has been really tough. I know that loneliness and isolation have taken there toll.
I’m thankful though, for Covid Not for the illness or for lives tragically lost . I’m thankful for the opportunities it gave me. I’m thankful for my extra time with little man. Time that strengthened our relationship and bond. Time that built my confidence with him.
I’m thankful for the working from home. It enabled me to cope, to function just enough to fulfill my role. No commuting pressure, shorter days, and the ability to just hide away.
As I ring in 2021, I’m lying here with my little man beside me. I love him, and he loves me.
Don’t be scared off 2021 loopy, just be thankful.
Happy new year everybody. Stay safe and if you can, just for a moment, be thankful.
Loopy x
My family came to visit us today. Mum, Dad, my sister and her 3 children. It was nice seeing them but………
Here’s an insight into why I’m ^damaged^
I bring out shortbread to go with their cups off tea. Mum looks at the packet, turns to me and says; “aw, sure they’re not Scottish*. 1st disapproval off the day.
Later the kiddos had lunch and chocolate cake. The floor a mess, I take out our broom. Mum takes it, sweeps one stroke; “you think you’d buy a decent brush’ 2nd disapproval of the day.
A little while later I give my sister the grand tour. As she’s coming down the stairs she remarks “oh I love your Garland. Mum quickly pipes up; ^sure there’s not even any lights on it!”
There we have it folks, the trifecta. I could go on with the negative gripes that spewed today, but I can’t be arsed. Sometimes I’m accused of black and white thinking, but honestly folks if she had muttered even just the slightest off positive remarks, I’d shout it from the friggin tree tops! Not my Mum, not now, not ever.
It was still nice seeing them all though. I can manage a day, just about
Loopy x
So this post was going to be a description off a downturn in my mood.
But let’s just admire Guinea pigs instead.
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 