I spent all day yesterday throwing my guts up. I’m telling people it was a bug. I don’t believe that to be true. I upped my Saxenda dose prematurely and I think that’s the culprit.
It was awful, like the worst hangover I’ve ever had. Vomiting, sweating, chills, dehydration, headache: the works!
It has scare me a little. Maybe I need a new approach or maybe I just need to go slower with the dosing.
Starting to feel a little better, I’ve turned to lucozade, and KFC. I always crave KFC when I feel like crap. There goes my diet!
I know for many that this year has been really tough. I know that loneliness and isolation have taken there toll.
I’m thankful though, for Covid Not for the illness or for lives tragically lost . I’m thankful for the opportunities it gave me. I’m thankful for my extra time with little man. Time that strengthened our relationship and bond. Time that built my confidence with him.
I’m thankful for the working from home. It enabled me to cope, to function just enough to fulfill my role. No commuting pressure, shorter days, and the ability to just hide away.
As I ring in 2021, I’m lying here with my little man beside me. I love him, and he loves me.
Don’t be scared off 2021 loopy, just be thankful.
Happy new year everybody. Stay safe and if you can, just for a moment, be thankful.
I blog during the intervals. But first I ran down stairs for some comfort food. I need it!!
The drawing above is an iceberg we were asked to sketch down. They’re a big fan of journaling. Below the surface are my instant thoughts about what might have led to my disordered eating. Note I’m a comfort eater.
It’s a bit scrawled so I’ll type them here.
1. I feel ugly.
2. Someone died because off me.
3. Mum wanted “normal” children.
4 . Thin is good, fat is bad.
5. I’m a terrible mum.
6. Fat albinos look worse than thin ones.
7. When I purge more, I burn less (oh that ones caught me off guard!, dunno where that came from.)
8. Thinner feels better.
I’m exhausted, it feels very raw and it’s bedtime now. Oh I’d love some zopiclone!! Or a burn, or a purge or all of these things. I think I have a sneaky box off Z’s somewhere.
On a final note, and this might offend some, which is not my intent, but they’ve been pushing “faith’ again this week. It spurts from their mouths sporadically, and everyone except me seems to be receptive to it. It’s making me feel like the “black sheep”
We were asked to think off someone we’d love to meet or go on a walk with. My head was screaming; the founder of the theory of evolution. But his name escaped me. Off course; Charles Darwin!! You know this Loopy, but it’s probably best that you forgot. I said nothing…….
Last night, for the first time in about 2 years, I slept without any zopiclone. It was a huge achievement, one that I wanted to continue tonight…. but no, I’m a dumbass and I’ve taken 7.5mg. In truth I want 15!
It was OH’s birthday today and his folks held a little party, cocktail sausages and all
It’s been the most social interaction we’ve had, and I felt very uncomfortable. This evening I feel tense and stressed and annoyed at myself for feeling uncomfortable. We also ate alot of junk and I’m feeling fat, fat FAT!!!
I don’t want lockdown to end, but it will, and I’ll have to face people again, and busy places, and gauping eyes and aaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!
He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.
I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.
Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.
Last night after meds, I shovelled choclate and crisps into my gob. Previous meals, dinner and a supper scone had been purged, but damn it, I couldn’t throw up after meds as I wouldn’t sleep.
I feel utterly disgusted with myself and I’m desperate to burn.
I keep doing this; the nightime feasts. I wake up with wrappers on my bedside table, some of which I remember and some that I don’t.
It bugs me that they’ve literally just printed off a booklet from another health trust, and they’ve not even attempted to adapt it, or personalise it. I get that it might be a useful tool, but it feels like an after thought, something printed randomly from the web. Plagiarised!!!!!!
Putting that aside, I will complete it. I will attempt to log my feelings, eating habits and use of not so good weight control measures. I will try.
It’s all so blah!!!!! But at least I guess, it’s a start at helping me.
Those 3 little words bellowed continuously through the bathroom door. The handle squeeked and juddered as tiny hands kept twisting it. Toddlers are relentless!!!! Actually is he even classed as a toddler anymore? He’s 3, and a sturdy build at that.
I’d already locked it. “Just go away, please please just go away.”
Fingers sticky with strands of stretchy saliva, eyes reds and puffy, and my stomach contracting, as hard as I could muster. It’s getting harder to throw up now. My gag reflex has almost gone completely, but I’ve not been to the gym today, and I can’t afford to absorb the calories and fat from those delicious hot dogs (OH lovingly prepared), that I ravenously consumed earlier.
I’m sorry little man. I’m sorry I can’t do better. I’m sorry for ignoring you and for wishing you’d go away. I’m sorry I’m such a crap mum.
The fatter I feel. I look down on my grotesque lump of a mid rift and I shudder. The number on the scale is going down excrutiatingly slowly, but I dont believe it anyway.
I’m fat, outta shape and ugly., and let’s be honest, I’m a drug addict.
I’m getting no help over here, and I have no one to talk too
I’m struggling to keep afloat. Today i purged at work, AT WORK and again after dinner at home. I then hit the gym already exhausted but the usuál mantra of run fatty run overode all my senses, so I ran.
!The crash is coming. I’m losing control. My chest is tight and I’m often oddly breathless.
What really happens in somones head? 